Confessions of a lonely soul ...

Ok, I admit it. I'm lonely as fuck. I play the strong, independent ‘I don’t need a man’ type and it’s true, I don’t *need* a man. But I want one.
I want someone that I can call when
 I'm feeling lonely or happy or scared to watch a horror film. Someone that I can cook for and take care of. But not all the time. Because I want to be taken care of too. But again, not all the time.
I want someone to be silly with. To have play fights and play board games. To go and do new things together like archery or pottery.
I want someone that cares enough to fight for what they believe in, even if that means fighting with me. And then I want someone that I can make up with afterwards. I want passion and romance and giggles. I want someone that I can make memories with.
I want someone that can hold me when I'm sad and not try and cheer me up, because sometimes I just need to be sad. Someone that understands that I sometimes need to be alone, or that I need my girlfriends.
Most of all I want someone that wants all those things too. Someone that wants me for me. Not someone who wants me-but-slightly-different. Don’t try to change me.
The only problem that I have with all of this, is that I just can’t help but think that I probably want too much.

10 years

I hate being this weak. For 10 years you have abused me. You never hit me, not once. What you did was worse. Little by little you undermined me. You made me feel stupid and unimportant. Your needs came first, always.
For 10 years you have treated me like I was beneath you, like I didn't matter. You used me.
Yes we had some good times, but they were always on your terms.
In 2001, I made the worst decision of my life, I called you. After two months, you moved in because your mum had kicked you out of the house. That should've been my first clue.
Stupidly I thought I could fix you. I always was a sucker for a lost cause.
In 2002 came the next stupid decision, when I agreed to move to another country with you. That was when the destruction really started. It was fun at first, a release from the normal mundanity. But then it became a way of life. When the rest of us realised we had responsibilities, you carried on like you had none.
You walked away from your child. That should've been my next clue.
Oh you had all of the excuses, and I believed them. I was stupid and naive.
I should've spoken up. But you made sure that I couldn't, that I didn't have the confidence to think that anyone would believe me. Or that they would have had a 'you made your bed' mentality.
I thought I could handle it all by myself, that I could fix it all.
I know now that I never even had a chance.
You said you loved me. You don't know what the word means. I don't think you ever will.
Now, 10 years later, you still had me under your control all this time. You belittled me and harassed me that much, that I was still scared of you. Still scared of what you could do to hurt me. I knew that I was in the right, that there was nothing you could do, yet I was still scared.
Until you have been in the position that I have been in, people don't understand. They think its a case of 'Just say no', or 'Don't let him get to you'. Do you not think that if it was/is that simple, that that is exactly what I would have done?
It's not that easy to stand up to someone that has basically controlled you for so many years.
But I feel different now. I feel stronger. You are inferior. You're an inferior human and I will not let you bring me down, bring my children down, anymore.
We deserve better than you. We always have, but I feel able to back that up now.
I don't know what's changed, I don't know what's different. Maybe it's just a case of enough is enough, but I am done crying. I'm done damaging myself emotionally because of your failures.
You are a failure. You've failed your children, your parents and you've failed at your life. I don't know if you'll ever get that back. I no longer care.
Stay away from me. You're no longer important, not even as the father of my daughters. I have no respect for you and I never will again.
You are dead to me.

Needs

I want, no ... I *need* a relationship that doesn't take itself too seriously.

No pressure. No expectations. Just take each day as it comes and see how things go.

I don't want to make plans, not for a while anyways. I don't want to talk about the future.

Is that wrong? Should I wanting to settle down and get all serious? Do I have to do that? Because I don't think that I am ever going to want to do that.

I just want to have fun, and date, and enjoy things.

I just want to have fun.

Time for change

This day, 18 years ago, I saw my dad for the last time ever. If you've read the previous posts then you will know this. You will also know just how cut up I have been.
But I've been thinking. My dad always wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to do good things and to live my life in a good way. He wouldn't have wanted me to be moping around (even if for good reason) being sad. He would've wanted me to embrace life and enjoy it. He would've wanted to be proud of me, proud of what I have accomplished and what I still have yet to do.
So today I am going to make a conscious effort to do that. And I'll do that in his memory, and I'll do it for him.
I have spent far too long and wasted far too much time just talking about things that I want to do and never actually doing them. A lot of my life is pretty shit, but I've let it get that way. I'm the only one that can change it.
So that is what I am going to do. Positivity will reign. Things will change. Procrastination will be a thing of the past (except on Sundays) and I will make a proper go of this life.
I do wish I had done more up to now, but I haven't and I can't change the past, all I can have control of is my future, and that future will be good. I want my dad to be proud of me, I want my kids to have someone to look up to, someone they could aspire to be like even. I want them to know that working hard to get where and what you want is a great thing. I want them to want more. I want them to realise the mistakes that I made, and realise that they can learn from mine and be better, do more, BE more.
See, that's what my dad would've taught them too. He'd have made the best grandad in the world, and he would've doted on my kids and my niece and nephew. Sadly that opportunity will never come about, so instead we will do things in his name, in his honour. And I will talk about him with happiness and animation.
They already miss him, even though they never had the chance to actually meet him. I'm glad they miss him, because that means they have an idea of how amazing he was.
But I digress, my point, is that things are going to change. Again.

I'm going to be the girl that my dad would be the most proud of.

My dad

It's been about 18 weeks since I last posted here. It would've been less but every time I read the last post I made, I ended up in bits and had to go and distract myself.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.

Fathers Day

I have started this post about 6 times. I keep writing a starting line and then deleting it because it just didn't seem like what I wanted to say.

Today is Fathers day. I do not 'celebrate' this day. I would prefer that this day didn't actually exist any more. 

I lost my dad to skin cancer on the 30th October 1994. I was 14. He's been gone now, longer than I ever knew him.

I remember the last day that I saw him. He was in a Marie Curie hospice. I didn't really know what one was at the time, but anyways, I didn't actually want to go and see him. I didn't want to see him sick in a hospital bed, but my mum made us. 

I remember walking in to the room and seeing him and immediately wanting to turn around and run away. That wasn't my dad, but at the same time it was. I didn't do that though. Instead I smiled and said hello, and then I locked myself in the bathroom for five minutes and cried harder than I ever had in my life. And then I stopped and I unlocked the door, took a deep breath and walked out. I went and sat down on the edge of my dads bed and held his hand. He wasn't strong enough to even speak anymore by this point so I had to do all the talking. 

I told him about school, and about my horse-riding. I told him what I;'d been doing with my friends. And I told him I loved him. I spoke to him as if he was fine, as if he would be able to answer me, as if we were having a two-way conversation. I don't know how long we sat with me talking and holding his hand and looking at the incredible sadness in his eyes but too soon, it was time to go.

I had to say goodbye to my dad, to the greatest, most amazing man I had ever known, and I had to say goodbye. Knowing that it was probably for the last time ever. He was so, so ill. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. He mouthed back "I love you too." and I walked out of his room, promising to come back soon.

The next day I woke my mum up to get ready to go to the stables and she told me that my dad had passed away at around 2am that morning. I just said 'Ok. I'm going to go and get ready.' and I did. I went to the stables as usual and I said nothing. Not even to my best friend. Not until later that afternoon when she asked how he was. I think I just said 'He's gone.' I ended up being the one comforting her.

I didn't cry. Not once. Until the funeral. I didn't ride in the relatives car and I didn't sit at the front. I couldn't. I remember the vicar saying to me, as we were leaving, 'Nice to meet you, hope to say you again soon.' and all I could think was 'I bloody hope not, the only time I've met you is when my parent has died so I'd rather that didn't happen again.'.

That was nearly 18 years ago now, and I remember those parts like it was yesterday. Its funny what you remember. 

I don't remember his laugh. I sometimes get flashes of what his voice sounded like but I can't just think and remember it. I'm not sure if memories are of things happening, or just what I remember from photos.

When you're 14, you don't think that you're going to need to remember these little details. You don't think that the most important man in your life, that should be there for you for as long as you need him, is going to be slowly ripped away from you, that you're going to see him deteriorate, and turn in to a shell of the man he used to be. When you're 14, you think you're going to have all the time in the world. 

You think that amazing man is going to walk you down the aisle one day. He's going to be an awesome grandad. He's going to grow old and tell silly stories about the time he slipped and fell in the river.

You take him for granted. 

At that age, nothing bad happening would ever cross your mind.

I wish it had, so I could have appreciated him more. I could have told him more times that I love him. 

I miss him so much it physically hurts. I miss him more now than I did then because now I understand that gravitas of what he is missing out on. 

Please, please, if you have your dads or even your grandads, and you love them, tell them.

Tell them as often as you can. Don't ever take your parents for granted. You really never know when they may not be there to hear it.

Happy fathers day Dad. Wherever you are, I still, and always will, love you with all of my heart xx

My mind

Its 4:22am and I haven't slept yet. I'm sitting in my bed, listening to The Offspring, drinking tea and eating biscuits. It's getting light outside. I can hear birds singing. But I don't want to sleep and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I kind of hope that I don't wake up. I don't want 'tomorrow' to come. I didn't even want to come to bed, but thought I'd best had, seeing as it was like, 3 o'clock in the morning. I don't know. I just ... I think, I feel like I'm losing things. I'm losing it and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go for help. But I do know I can't do this on my own. And I don't know what to do. Today is Fathers day. And I've never needed my dad more than I do right now, but he's not here and he never will be. I want someone to hold me, and just tell me that everything's going to be ok. And to help me. I'm just so lost. So very lost.