House ... er ... guest.

I have someone staying with me at the moment.

Hes my ex. Not my most recent ex, but the father of my kids, the one that left me for another woman. The one that is an alcoholic. The one that I should hate but I dont have enough feeling for him to actually hate him.

Hes staying because he has managed to ostracise himself from his family, none of them speak to him, because of his lies, his promises to change and other reasons that they have. Part of them not being over-friendly isnt his fault, its the fault of one evil, twisted person that doesnt seem to live in reality anymore. She has said things that simply are not true. Shes the one that is my ex-best friend, hardly surprising.

Anyways, I dont want him here anymore. I dont have many regrets in my life, very few in fact, but this I regret.

Hes staying because he has nowhere else, he was with his brother but even he doesnt want him there anymore and he doesnt want to be there and cant be there because of things going on with the brother (drugs). I had agreed for him to stay for a few days, which turned into a week, which has now turned into a couple of weeks.

Its not like hes not pulling his weight, he cooks, he cleans and he looks after the kids sometimes too. But its the little things he does. Questions me about things, like last night, I mentioned that my mate had asked me to go to her bf's gig with her, I didnt really want to but hes all like 'So, are you asking me to babysit again (he's babysat 3 times since he got here), you were just complaining about being skint and now youre talking about going out?'. All I was doing was making conversation!

Then when he does babysit, he wants to know who Im with and where Im going, and Im like 'Its none of your damn business who I see or where I go!'

He has a problem with a very old friend of mine, by very old I mean that Ive known him since forever. We have been 'together' a few times and we have fallen out a good few times too! Ya know how you do with guy friends that are more than just friends but not all the time and they have issues and things go tits up but then a little while later its all forgotten and everything is ok again? Well, we're like that. We always seem to drift back together. But he has a problem with him coz of how he treated me one time. It was something and nothing but its like its a huge deal. And apparently this guy did something with some girl when she was seeing one of his mates although thats their business not my ex's, its just an excuse to try and still have some control over me. So if I want to see this guy then I have to tell the ex that Im doing something else because I cant be bothered with the hassle. Its ridiculous.

Hes made no effort to try and find somewhere else to live and Im being treated like the mug that Im acting like. I need to be strong and make him leave coz the more I say he can stay, the less he is going to try and find somewhere else.

I have to remember that he is not my responsibility anymore, hes a grown man and he needs to be able to look after himself. He can look after himself.

Im getting there though, twice hes asked me to go somewhere with him, to hold his hand in a way, and twice I have said no. Before I would have just gone, to keep the peace.

I just need to build on that strength.

My motto, sort of ...

I know this usually starts with 'God' but I prefer to leave that bit silent. Ya know, what with not being a believer an all. So here it is :~

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

I try to remind myself that I believe this. Although I still wish certain people would FOAD.


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Quote.

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't let them be reckless with yours.


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Who needs enemies?

Wow. I actually had no idea just how incredibly selfish and disgusting some people really are.

Ive recently fallen out with someone I thought was a really good friend. Wait, no, scratch that, we didnt fall out at all. There was no argument, no cross words, nothing. It just so happened that we didnt see each other for a little while, she asked if there was anything wrong, if she had done anything to which she got a negative response coz it was just one of those things. I was busy, she was busy etc. But that obviously went on a little longer than she was happy with, we stopped speaking pretty much altogether, and then I find out from two different sources, that she has been speaking about me. And after being asked what had happened (not by me), she replied with 'Things have been said, we will never be friends again'. And after the last few days, she will be lucky if I dont ruin her life for her.

We had sort of, kind of, got back on to online speaking terms, the odd comment on facebook or informative mini chats on MSN. Then she was told something that she didnt like. A decision I had made about someone who has previously been a rather large burden in my life. Basically, they had nowhere to live, no roof over their head, so I said that I would put him up for a few days. Im a grown up, I can make these informative decisions all by myself. Just because it pisses her off, or she has some sort of issue with it, she removes me from facebook. I think she blocked me too.

Then that evening, a fb message appears, not for me, but for the kids dad. She has taken it upon herself to inform him of a situation that happened a little while ago. I made a stupid decision and did something I shouldnt have. And 'out of concern' (read:out of being pissed off with me) she felt that she had to tell him. So of course, he flips out on me, I get called all sorts etc. etc. I explain my side, we get over it, its done. And that clearly wasnt the reaction that she had hoped for. So she has gone out of her way to try and make it worse for everyone. She chose last night to inform anybody that would listen in the pub about what happened. She called me names via the ex, calling me a slag, she left nasty little comments on facebook for all to see, ulimately, she threatened to do something, that if she carried it out, could seriously ruin lives.

This was never done out of concern, this was done purely because I was out of her control, I had taken my life back and I was doing ok. She didnt like that. This is nothing to do with concern, this is purely to do with narcissism.

She has fucked with the wrong person this time. I hope she really does believe in karma. Then she will understand why her life is about to go totally downhill.

Blame.

Wow. It really doesn't stop does it? It's always my fault one way or another. And if I prove that it is t my fault, you will find something else to blame me for.
I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad mum. I'm not a bad girlfriend. But you make out Im the worst in the world until you realise what you have said and then you come and apologise, you say you're sorry and you want us to be friends. Then you expect me to just accept it and give you a hug. Tell you it's fine.
But it's not. It's not fine. None of this is fine. I'm not fine, you're not fine, this situation is far from fine. But it suits you coz you're getting exactly what you want from it whereas I get left feeling uncomfortable and disgusted and tbh, most of the time, you make my skin crawl. You brush past me down be corridor and I feel the need to wipe 'it' off, even though nothing is there. Then when you askfor a hug and I try and do it quickly, you wrap your arms around me like we're still together and t makes me feel
physically sick. You say things like 'If I hadn't been for the drinking, we would still be together'. Well NEWSFLASH! We wouldn't be. I don't like you as a person. I don't want to as a friend and I certaiy dot want you as a confidante.
I want you to go fix yourself up. Get a life. Find someone else to complain to coz Ive had enough.
I'm stronger now. I refuse for you to bring me down anymore.
The only person you're going to bring down is yourself.

Maybe its me?

So guess who has recently lost another friend? Theyre dropping like flies. Not dead like, just cant be my mate anymore.

I received a text last night, saying that we just couldnt be mates anymore. This is entirely due to this persons paranoia. Me and their partner met at New Year, we have a hell of a lot in common so we get on really well. We exchanged numbers after a facebook chat and have regularly texted each other pretty much since then. He is a friend, nothing more. But of course, because he is the opposite sex, it must mean that there is something more to the texts than just being friends.

She went thru his texts the other day, and there were a couple of texts, that, if read out of context, could have been taken as him coming on to me. But they were a joke, and if he had been a girl, nothing would have bee thought of. What she did then, was to get in touch with my ex and tell him that this guy had been coming on to me for weeks and that when we were out last week, we were texting each other across teh table. Each of these things are simply not true! I am in shock at the blatant lies that have been told. Actually, thats not true. The girl is a pathological liar.

Hes been set straight though, and to be fair to him, he asked me for the truth and as far as I can tell, he believes me.

Ick. I hate people.

Past ...

You still have the power to hurt me in ways you will never know. I hate that you can do that and I wonder if it will ever stop.
Please, just leave me alone.


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Can I?

In all honesty, whats the likelihood of me having a temporary boyfriend?

Friends ...

When I was at school, I had loads of friends. I wasnt the popular girl, or the unpopular girl for that matter. I was friends with everyone, took people at face value. I have never been one to judge people based on what others say about them.

The older I get, the more I feel that was the right way to be, even now in a world where most people just seem to want to fit in. I try to teach my children the same thing. I am trying to teach them to make their own decisions about things. Not to follow the crowd. To be individuals.

I dont have a lot of truly close friends anymore, but thinking back, I dont suppose I ever really did. I knew a lot of people, I guess I had, and have, a wide network of friends and aquintances. And you know what? Im ok with this. I dont want people to know me, I dont want people to be close enough to me to have the power to use that information to hurt me. Intentionally or otherwise.

I have recently 'lost' a person that I thought was my best friend. I dont mean they have died, just that we're not friends anymore. Havent spoken for a good few weeks now. The reason that this hurts, is because there was no argument. No falling out. Nothing. We didnt see each other for a little bit, and questions were asked. "What had they done to piss me off?" (Nothing, was just not in the mood for company), "What have they said thats caused me to not want to see them?" (Nothing, I never NOT wanted to see them), and so on and so forth. I dont know how many times I said that there were no issues (except my own) or problems, it wasnt accepted. So I stopped trying to explain, I figured that if this person chose not to believe me then it was their issue not mine and I waited for them to get over it and let me know when they had.

So I waited ... and waited ... then I found out that this person had been talking about me behind my back. Which in itself doesnt bother me, what bothers me is the person that they chose to speak to and what Ive been told has been said about me afterwards.

Apparently, I have said things that will cause us to never be friends again. Apparently this is my fault. Even though I have said nothing apart from the fact that I was bored with it. I was bored with the whole situation. Just wanted it to blow over and us get back to normal.

Guess that just isnt going to happen now. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that though. I dont really know if Im all that bothered that Im no longer friends with someone who will judge me, clearly, by what other people have said about me.

I thought they were better than that.