I want ...

And now I want so much.
I hate feeling like this. I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm good with my own company. I like being alone.
But not any more. Well, not all the time anyways. Not any more.
I want someone. I want some to want me. I want someone to be there on these cold nights, to watch TV with, to play games with, to go to bed early with. Not every night. Just occasionally.
I want someone to wake up with. I want someone to bring me coffee in the morning. To snuggle up with for a while, then have the dishes done when I do get up!
I don't want to be the odd one out on nights out. The only one that doesn't have a bf.
I know I'm hard work, I know I can be an incredibly rubbish girlfriend (by normal standards). But that's the way I am. I'm moody. I'm stroppy. I change my mind, a lot. I'm not easy to deal with and I rarely make things simple. I don't trust, not 100%. I don't get jealous, but I do get suspicious.
But, despite all that, I can also be a very awesome girlfriend an all. I'm loyal, generous, helpful. I can be affectionate. And I'm a damn good cook (as long as you don't bother me in the kitchen!).
I don't really know what it is I'm trying to say to be honest.
I guess I'm lonely. Well, I know I'm lonely.
Jeez, you know I'm lonely.
It makes my head confused. I've been thinking lately, those women that settle, I can understand why they do it. I could never see why before but I think I get it now. I still very much doubt that I could do that. I would make life hell for them and for myself because of the boredom factor.
I need someone that's going to keep me on my toes. Someone with a mind of their own. An opinion of their own. Someone that will argue with me if they feel passionate about something. I don't want a 'yes-man', it would wind me up no end.
This doesn't mean that I want to be messed around. I hate it when people lie to me. An old relationship of mine ended, not because the person cheated, but because they lied to me about it even though I knew 100%. If they had been honest, maybe things could have been salvaged.
But I digress, actually I don't. Considering I'm not even sure what my point was.
Ugh, I don't even know. I guess I just want a nice, (hot) guy that's going look after me a little bit but not crowd me. Someone that has their own life as well as the one that they want to share with me. Someone that is going to be honest and not tell me what they think I want to hear - they're usually wrong anyways. Someone that I can love, and trust 100% and that loves me back just as much.
I think this may actually be too much to ask.

Right now

Right now I feel empty but full of emotion. I feel strong but ever so weak. I feel stupid but I know that I'm not. I don't know why I let this happen. I don't know why I cant be stronger.
I don't know why he wont leave me alone. Well, I do. I always cave. I always give him what he asks for but I don't know how to stop that.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for letting him win every damn time.
Hes full of promises that I don't believe. Hes full of apologies that mean nothing. He throws words around like he knows what they mean, yet he has no idea.
I don't know if he has any clue about how he makes me feel. If he has an idea, I know for a fact that he doesn't care. He says he does. What he means is, he will use the words until he gets exactly what he wants, then he will continue to treat everyone around him like dirt.
Right now, I want to break down. I want to sit in a corner and wail and sob. I want to punch the wall and I want to take it out on myself.
Because I'm the only one that can stop this happening.
I want to get completely shitfaced and dance my cares away, pretend nothing is real and my life is perfect.
I want to run away.
I cant do any of these things. I don't have the time for a breakdown. I have a family to look after. I have friends to be there for. I don't get the luxury of being able to collapse and give up.
I honestly don't know where to turn. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I know its been going on for far too long and as the old cliche goes, I want to get off.
But I cant find the stop button.
I don't think there is one for me.

Dictation

So last night I  was chatting away to myself, as I do (its not as weird as it sounds .. ), and I decided that my chats would make good blog posts. So decided to dictate to myself, using the voice recorder on the phone. Here it is!
Ive just watched Educating Essex, and at the moment I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, because I have absolutely no idea. I mean, Id love to something to do with photography but I know that if that even happens, that it would take a while. I'm not going to be able to just buy a camera and suddenly jump into being a successful photographer so I'm going to have to look at something more realistic. Obviously if I do end up in that sort of thing then brilliant, but very unlikely to happen. I think my best bet with that would be to join a camera club. Ive found one that meets nearby in our local library so will look into that. They meet of an evening though, 8-10pm so would obviously need a regular sitter so we'll see.
Like I said, I have just watched Educating Essex, and the thought of being a teaching assistant has just flashed through my mind. This is very scary, as I don't like children. Really kinda hate kids. I just genuinely don't know what I want to do.
Ive been thinking of doing a degree, possibly thinking of doing an open degree with the Open University but it kinda depends on how long its would take me. I mean, if its going to take like, 6 years then there's no point, its too long. I have more time now, with the kids being in school/nursery, but once Molly turns 5 in 18 months, I am required by law to get, or at least look for, a job. I don't know if I would be still allowed to study. Its all pretty confusing. Don't get me wrong, I will want to work, but I want to be able to get a better job than an 'entry level' one, or at least have some quals. and skills behind me to have the option to.
I feel that what I'm doing now, is what I 'should' have been doing at 18. But because I didn't go to 6th form, because I left after my GCSEs and went to work in the stables, and did qualifications towards teaching, that I haven't decided what it is I want to do. Thing is, the stables/teaching really isn't an option right now. Because I didn't get the full teaching qualifications, I would have to go back and train, and that's just not possible. It wouldn't be easy to work out around the kids. And they would end up missing out on a lot of stuff, and I would end up missing out on them and if that was ever going to be an option, Id have gone back to the stables a long time ago. But I want to see them grow up and help them do that as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Otherwise things would be different and they're not. They are the way they are.
I need to try and work it out. The counselling is still an option. I'm not sure how it all works though, I need to sit down for an hour or two and work it out. Id love to study, Id love to have the vocation, Id love to have somewhere to go in my life. I don't just want to work in a supermarket, not that there is anything wrong with that job of course, but I don't just want a 'job'. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I love doing, that I can put all my effort into. Maybe that just wont happen, maybe I will be sat behind a till for the rest of my life and if that's the case then Ill have to find other ways to find fulfillment in my life.
If I actually do want to travel when the kids have grown up, like I have said I am going to do for years, then I'm going to have to make enough money to put some aside to save for that purpose. I want the kids to have everything they want. And if Ive just got some crappy job then its highly unlikely that Ill be able to do that for them, and that's not fair, its not their fault.
So this is where I am right now I'm trying to work out what it is I'm good at, what I enjoy and what I want to do. I keep coming back to the OU, I think that might just be my best bet. But I think I need to speak to someone about it, because I just don't have a bloody clue.
I just don't know, I really don't know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I enjoy doing, I cant remember! I love biology but where would I go with that?
At the OU, they offer a degree in counselling, but I need to sit down, probably for a couple hours, and figure out what I'm going to do and then make a start, because sitting here talking about is just well, its not getting me anywhere. I should never have taken that counselling course that I completely bailed on. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't ready for it. It shouldn't have been done, but it was and I have to sort it.
I need to sit down, concentrate and I need to read up. Then I need to get the ball rolling.

So yeah, my plan for now is to read, and figure out how I can do this counselling. I think that's what I want to do. I'm fairly sure that's what I want.
So wish me luck kids. Because I am amazing at procrastinating, as you all know. Today is a new day blah blah. You know how it goes.

Crashing

This morning I woke up groggy. I went to sleep finally around 2am, kept waking up, had very odd dreams and was woken up at 7:11am by a small child needing me to help her downstairs.
Despite that, my mood wasn't terrible. I went back to bed and dozed for a while, but again kept getting woken up by the kids. Which of course I cant blame them as they're younger and cant get they're own cereal etc.
I got up, sorted my coffee and stuff, had breakfast, did some housework and listened/read about Liverpool beating Everton 2-0. And I was tired, but fine.
Then all of a sudden, around an hour or so ago, I just suddenly felt really down. (I don't want to use the word depressed, because I think that should be used in its correct context.) I have no reason for this mood crash that I can think of. I didn't have an argument, nothing happened to cause this. I was just, all of a sudden, wanting to go and lie on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry. Maybe if I did that I would feel better. But I cant.
Those small people that woke me up this morning are still around playing. I cant just go have a little breakdown because it would upset them terribly. I simply don't have the time.
I'm trying to think of what might be making me feel this way. What it is that's not letting me be happy. These mood crashes come so regularly to me now but then I seem to lighten up just as quickly. This does worry me a little but I know that I'm not happy with my life the way it is.
I'm not happy with where I live, although I am grateful that I actually have somewhere to live. I'm not happy about being alone, except I would rather be alone and unhappy, than be with unhappy with someone. I'm not happy with myself, the way I look and the way I feel about that. There are other things that I have to work on to change about myself, my attitude and my outlook, I know that. But would my emotions not give me a bit of a break in the meantime?
There is one thing that keeps popping into my mind but that's only from today, it wouldn't really explain previous mood crashes. October 30th will be the 17th anniversary of my dad dying. Hes been gone 3 years longer than I got to be with him, and even this much later, it hurts more than anything ever has. I miss him more now than ever and I wish he was still here. I need him.
But I cant blame this on that, it was so long ago. Yeah I miss him, but I cant let that affect me so much. I don't know, maybe I never really got over it.
I don't know about much of this right now to be honest.
All I want to do now is to find some really sad film and cry the mood out.
I hope it helps because this is exhausting me.

Confidence ...

I was thinking about my confidence levels today, the differences in the type of confidence that I have. Basically my personality vs. my appearance.
I find it a little bit odd that people think I'm confident. I'm not. I'm literally (with the exception of one) the shyest person that I know. I suck incredibly badly at small talk or any type of conversation with new people that I meet. So much so that I end up sitting in silence or checking my phone (for something to do) and they end up thinking I'm a snotty bitch. I'm not, I just literally don't know what to say to them.
This is why I am attracted to confident people, I am drawn towards people that are so very sure of themselves. That are happy in who they are, what they look like, what they do. These people fascinate me.
I thought I used to be one of these people, but my confidence didn't run all the way through me, I relied on my looks a lot. This isn't me bragging, its just fact. When I was younger, pre age 21ish, I had an amazing body. I was pretty and I was confident in that, so I used it. I hid behind it almost. The way some girls use their make-up as a mask, I used my figure. I would flaunt it I guess. And because of this, the need for actual small talk that wasn't shameless flirting was taken away.
I did manage to develop friendships but it was hard. It helped that these people were already friends of my brothers so I could use that to my advantage. Other friendships were made through work so were easier because of the shared interest (I worked at a horse riding school). But meeting people outside my circles was basically impossible.
Jump ahead a few years. My figure went away as I stopped working after having kids, I met my (now ex) bf and we settled. I put on about 3 stone, my confidence plummeted and I didn't even have the body to hide behind. We moved to Ireland and for 7 years, I made not one friend. I never went out with anyone that wasn't my bf or my mum except maybe once or twice.
It didn't help that the bf drained the confidence out of me either. Little things, offhand comments about my weight or appearance or intelligence. I am by no means stupid, but when people that claim to love you, say things often enough, you start to believe it.
Jump ahead another couple years, I am back home. I have amazing friends and the bf is (finally, 3 years after we actually split up) long gone. My confidence has changed considerably. Probably for the better as I am sure of myself as a person. I know that I am loyal, generous, friendly - I still struggle with small talk, but am less bothered of sounding like a twat so will speak instead of ignoring people! - I am a good listener and I like to observe people and their behaviour which gives me more of an idea of how to handle them. I also know that I can be a complete bitch, and I know that I will speak up for my children and my friends when needs be. I also know that I will have something to say TO friends if they do cross a line (as some of them will know).
It amazes me how much has switched up, and how much has happened over the last 15 years.
What I plan for next, is to work on the confidence in my appearance. I'm now 13 stone (as of yesterday). I don't think that I have ever weighed this much in my life, even when pregnant. If I'm completely honest, it disgusts me. I truly disgust myself. Yet that doesn't seem to affect the way I choose to eat.
I was thinking, as I was eating my breakfast, just how damn ridiculous I am being to myself.
I'm the only one (yes, I probably have said this before, but change takes a while for me!) that can make any difference to the foods that I put in my body, and it is solely those foods that will have an effect on my appearance and therefore, my confidence.
I know a lot of people tell me that I should accept myself the way I am, but why should I? If I look at myself in the mirror (which I try to avoid doing), I don't see anything attractive. I am overweight. I am unhealthy. If I carry on, I am going to cause myself problems as I get older. I don't want to accept that. I don't want to be ok with that. The second I even think that this is ok, will be the beginning of the end.
I was talking travel plans earlier, how I want to travel like a gap year student once my kids are grown. At this rate, Ill barely be able to leave my house, never mind travel!
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly there but in all seriousness, I need to sort this, and sort it now.
I genuinely believe that it is now or never.
I choose now.

I miss ...

I miss so much.
I miss being touched. I miss having someone touch me so gently, it seems they're afraid I might break. I miss having someone whisper in my ear how beautiful they think I am, and how good they think we are together.
I miss being cuddled, like its the most important thing in the world to be in that persons arms, right at that very moment.
I miss being kissed, like its an alternative to breathing, like if they stop, so will life itself.
I miss laughing with someone. Finding the exact same things funny, or just hearing things that people say and giving each other that look that means you both heard something entirely different and you'll share it another time.
I miss the closeness that comes with the realisation that at that time, there is only one person in the world that you want to be with.
I miss the feeling of skin on skin. Touching their body with mine,, becoming like one.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss the texts and messages and phone calls, just to say hello. Or to tell you that they love you. I also miss feeling needed. When they have a bad day and you're the only thing in the world that will make them feel better.
I miss being held, its different to being cuddled, when I'm upset or down. Feeling safe. Feeling protected.
I miss arguments and fights. I miss feeling so passionate about something, with someone, but you're so secure that you know you can say what you need to say without the fear of it breaking what you have.
I miss making up afterwards. The angry but loving togetherness that ultimately leaves you both exhausted but so incredibly satisfied.
I miss the talking. The most random subjects that can have you agreeing so much that you finish each others sentences then in the same breath, having such opposing opinions on a subject that it makes you wonder how you even ended up talking about it.
I miss holding hands. That simple yet so incredibly intimate gesture of you having your fingers entwined in each others. Stroking the back of their hand with your thumb, which makes them know that you're still thinking about them even though they're not your full focus of attention.
I miss so much, but most of all I miss loving, and being loved in return.

That's what I miss the most.

Reflection

I have another blog where I talk about weight loss and becoming more healthy. Since I've started talking about losing weight, people have told me that I'm just fine the way I am. That guys like 'curvy' women, and that I'm not fat.
Truth is, I am fat, and I am unhealthy. I am overweight for my height and my frame, and I eat unhealthy food way more often than I should.
It doesn't matter to me what guys may like, good for them. But just as I don't find every single guy in the world attractive, then it stands to reason, that not every guy in the world likes 'curvy' girls.
I am currently a size 16. I am currently very unhappy with my size and shape.
I have a mirror in my hall that I look away from every time I walk past it to get to the bathroom. Occasionally I will get undressed to my underwear and look at myself from all angles. Not in many years have I ever done that and thought that I looked in the slightest bit attractive.
Adding to that thought, I genuinely cannot see how anyone else could look at me and think that I was beautiful from head to toe. I know that I have a pretty face, but that's not difficult. (Oddly enough I like my wrists and my ankles, because they never get fat.) I never feel beautiful though.
There was once, just over a year ago, with this one guy. He has been the only one that has made me feel truly beautiful. That was for like, two days. I've not really spoken about him here, (I've just skimmed through a load of old posts because I could have sworn I had mentioned him at some point but I cant find anything about him.) he was the guy that I lost a friend over.
He was seeing a mate of mine a while ago, they were at breakup point and we were developing feelings for each other. Something happened and they ended up staying together which of course meant that whatever was between us had to be forgotten.
I still wonder 'what if?', and I guess a part of me misses him because we got on so incredibly well. Talked to him about things that I've never spoken to anyone else about, but then all of a sudden he was gone because we couldn't be ... I don't know, whatever we were going to be. That actually hurt like hell. I was already completely messed up over all sorts of other things and that was just the icing on the cake.
I know if we had have gotten together, it would have been amazing, for a while. And then we would have hit the mutual self destruct button and it would have ended up a complete car crash. That's a perfect analogy, we would have had a total car crash relationship. We were far too alike, personality, sense of humour, so many things were the same. He was like a male version of me. Except he was gorgeous. But yeah, he was the only guy in many years that made me feel good about myself, about the way I looked. But then in essence, he left me too. Like everyone else does.
When I was younger, I was a size 8 - 10. I was fit and I was toned and I had a cracking body. You could easily see my abs and I had arms and shoulders like an American footballer and I loved it. I loved how strong I was. I loved that I was stronger than most of the guys I knew. I didn't work for any of this and my diet was awful. That was when I did eat, which wasn't often! My job at the stables was very physical, lots of heavy lifting and constantly on my feet being busy with various jobs so the body came naturally.
I want that back. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
This is not a post that's looking for people to tell me that I'm not that bad, or that people like me the way I am because like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for approval or acceptance, I know I have that already.

I just want to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.