I already know how this post is going to end. I know the exact words I am going to use and actually already have them typed out underneath this.
I was thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about how I have turned out the way that I have. A lot of the time I think I should be a complete and utter screw up, then I remember that I kind of am. I cant hold down a relationship, yet a one night stand (in the right circumstances) wouldn't be an issue for me.
I can talk the hind leg off a donkey online, yet face to face with an actual person and I am lost for words. I mean completely. You think you're shy? You haven't seen nothing. My mouth goes dry, I suddenly lose the ability to talk, I start shaking like I have the major DTs, I feel sick to my stomach and my mind goes totally blank. Its like language has never been invented coz I have nothing in my head.
I don't appear to have the ability to say no to certain people that ask favours of me. People I don't even like.
I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared of living properly coz every time I do, things just blow up in my face. Every time things go right, something else goes incredibly wrong. So I prefer to not try.
This is the complete opposite to how I was as a teenager. I was the most confident person you could meet. Confident to the point of arrogance. I was hot, and I knew it. Yeah, I'm fully aware how big headed that sounds but that's how I was. I did exactly what and who I pleased. Yeah, I mean it exactly how it sounds there. I went out and I got any guy, or girl that I set my eye on. And I'm perfectly fine with how I was too. I had the best time of my life in those years, I enjoyed every single minute of it.
I lost my dad to cancer at a very young age. I was 14. Hes actually been gone now, more years than I was alive. I remember that I didn't cry for ages. Not even at his funeral, not really. I thought I took it pretty well but thinking back now, I probably didn't.
I wasn't interested in relationships. I didn't want the whole wining and dining and dating crap. It wasn't my thing.
Some people would say that I was some sort of slapper because I slept with a lot of guys, and that's fine if that's what they want to think, but I didn't just sleep with any guy that asked. There's the difference for me. I was careful and I had a good time. There were never feelings involved (on my part anyways) until I met this guy that Ill call Tom. He was the first guy that I actually wanted to see more than once. We only dated for a few months, (he used to wake me up by kissing my belly (the BEST way to wake me up EVER!)) and he was just generally sweet and lovely. I actually think I fell in love with him a little bit. Thing is with me, that Ive since realised, is that I fall in and out of love really quickly. So a little while after we started dating, just as it was getting serious, I ended it. I told him that I was too busy to give the relationship the proper attention that it deserved. I had no regrets afterwards. The next time I saw him, we were out at the same club. It was so funny the way I was. Every time I spotted him, I literally did a 180 and went in the other direction. He spotted me every time and caught up to me, I totally fobbed him off with the 'too upset to talk' thing that seemed to work.
Aaanyways, after that night, I didn't see him again. I did see his best mate tho. Asked after Tom coz I hadn't seen him out, he informed me that Tom had moved to Kent. And it was because of me. I was like "Whaaaaat?!" Apparently the guy was crazy about me, he couldn't stand to see me all the time so he left. This is how his best mate made it sound anyways, personally I'm convinced that there was way more to it than that but hey ho. It wasn't the last time dramatics happened when I broke up with a guy.
Another guy actually threatened to 'go hang himself', to which my reply was something along the lines of 'Ok, good luck with that'. Which sounds incredibly heartless I know, but I knew he was so full of it. (I actually regret breaking up with that guy, he was SO beautiful!)
This all went towards my ego of course. I don't think I was a complete bitch like, not all the time anyways. It just fuelled my want, if you like.
I was basically like a guy in the way I acted. Well, the stereotypical guy anyways, love em an leave em type.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this now. I want the teenage me back tho, the attitude anyways. Not necessarily the one night stands although I wouldn't be averse!
I'm so not like that anymore, but considering what happened in my earlier teenage years I'm guessing,
That was my rebellion.
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