One thing after another ...

Ugh, I am so sick and fucking tired of things going wrong for me. I seriously think that i must have been a torturer or a serial killer or something for all this shit to go so tits up. Its just one thing after another, then when one thing is sorted then something else goes wrong. Why the hell cant it just be straightforward and simple?! Is that really too much to ask?!

Im so upset and annoyed and just plain confused half the time, at what the hell these people are doing. Theyre basically playing with mine and my kids lives, and I know that sounds totally dramatic, but if they dont sort their shit, and soon, then I face possible eviction.

Sod the TV bills or the phone bills, I can organise those another way. What I cant organise is a large amount of money to be paid to one place, which is already over two weeks overdue, because the fuckers that owe it to me just keep telling me that 'someone will call you within 5 working days'. Will you FUCK! 4 times Ive called over the last few weeks, First time, I waited the 5 days, waited for the payment, nothing. Called back, waited 5 days, had to call back again. Person I spoke to tells me he is hugely apologetic (he was lovely to be fair) and alls he can do is pass it on with a strongly worded message and that someone will get back to me within, you guessed it, 5 working days. 4 days later I get a phone call from the same woman who said that she was going to give me the money within the first 5 days she mentioned, this time she said she told me that she had to wait for a certain piece of information before she could go ahead with what she was doing. Er ... no love, you told me you were sorting it THAT DAY! Anyways, this time, she says she has all her info and can sort it that day. That was nearly a week ago ... I think Citizens Advice may just be getting a visit from me if they dont sort their shit out soon.

I have never been this out of pocket in my entire life. Luckily I have no loans or credit cards so no debt in that way, but I owe people money. Bills should have been paid that havent been, bills that I have taken out on the proviso that all this crap was sorted.

I despise having to rely on other people. I despise being in the situation Im in. But I gues this is why Im doing the OU course, coz it may be totally shitty now. But it wont be forever.

Im gonna get out of this and Im gonna build such a good life for me and my kids. They deserve the world.

All I want right now is a hug, I want to be held while I get all this emotion out of me.

Im trying not to let it, but its starting to get to me, in a way that I dont want it to. I know that probably doesnt make sense ... how to put this ... I used to deal with stress and emotions in a very unhealthy way. A way that I managed to (mostly) pull myself out of. It reared its ugly head again earlier this year but I fought it. Its threatening again (again, not much sense I know) but so far Im staying strong.

Dont know how much strength I have left now though ...

I really could do with a massive hug off my Dad right now. Ill miss you forever xx

Votes

So I voted for the first time in my life this year. I did it by post instead of having to drag everyone down and queue up. The second I posted it, I wanted to reach inside and get it back, change my mind. SO glad I didn't as I'm totally behind the choice I made. I didn't realise that it would be as nerve-wracking as it actually was!

I'm a Lib Dem, well, that's who I voted for anyways. I don't mind saying as I believe that unless you're BNP, then Ill accept that everyone has a right to their own choice. I guess they have a right to the BNP too, but I disagree with the party as a whole.

Aaaaanyways, now Ive gotten that out of the way I shall move on.

I haven't blogged in ages, no huge reason why, just a bunch of little reasons that have added up to me not being able to. Things are better. Not good, but better.

I still have that unwanted houseguest but I'm now able to think of ways to make myself stronger to make him leave. I simply don't want them here, and I don't know how they can just stay. I certainly couldn't. Id want to get my own place, find my own life, move on and grow up again. I honestly don't know what it is that is going thru his head. And for the most part, I don't care, I just want him out. Still.

In other news, I'm househunting again. The place I'm in was never meant to be long term. It was just a stopgap. Lots of things have happened over the last year which means that I'm still here and haven't been in a position to move. But hopefully, within the next few days, I will be.

And I will be in a pretty good position for it. Its due to a fuck up on the part of other people but ya know, it seems to be working out well for me in the end.

All I need now is for a house to crop up that would be ideal for us! Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ive started my uni course! Well, its a short, starter course, but I like to call it a uni course because of who its with. I'm still torn between wanting to take web design or psychology, and if I'm honest, I leaning towards psychology because of a few conversations Ive had with individuals lately. But web design is more practical for this day and age. Although saying that, people will always have problems ... hmmm, think this is the point where I take my short course and have a good think, see if there is some way that I can integrate both into my studies without one suffering more than the other, or either of them suffering for that matter!

I'm going to be a busy, busy girlie over the next year or two.

And you know what? I fucking love it :o)

Starting over.

So, I was reading over all of my blog posts and my god, Im depressing! I mean, none of what I have said isnt true, but even the pessimism in me is getting fed up of being pessimistic! Im going to attempt to concentrate more on the positives.

My situation hasnt changed much, I still have an unwanted houseguest back (he went while I had another visitor but now hes back) but its something that is in the process of being dealt with. I still dont speak to those ex-friends that I have but I do not need friends like them and I have been reconnecting with the friends I used to have, that dont judge or try to control me. I still have feelings for this guy but I have sort of decided on a plan of action with that, and the feelings are diminishing anyways (either that or Im pushing them to the back of my mind, thatll do for now). So these things that have been dragging me down, are slowly getting sorted out.

I have sent off the application form to kickstart my education and I have made all teh relevant phone calls that I need to make (except for 2 to change payments over but I have to work out DD before I can do that!). So all in all, Im getting back on track.

My next big job is to move house. That is my big plan for the summer. I need a place where my kids can play outside safely, somewhere where I actually have a front door! Somewhere where my little man can invite his friends round for tea and stuff.

It will all fall into place. Im sure of that. I just have to learn patience and know when to push through. My babies deserve better. And they will get it.

House ... er ... guest.

I have someone staying with me at the moment.

Hes my ex. Not my most recent ex, but the father of my kids, the one that left me for another woman. The one that is an alcoholic. The one that I should hate but I dont have enough feeling for him to actually hate him.

Hes staying because he has managed to ostracise himself from his family, none of them speak to him, because of his lies, his promises to change and other reasons that they have. Part of them not being over-friendly isnt his fault, its the fault of one evil, twisted person that doesnt seem to live in reality anymore. She has said things that simply are not true. Shes the one that is my ex-best friend, hardly surprising.

Anyways, I dont want him here anymore. I dont have many regrets in my life, very few in fact, but this I regret.

Hes staying because he has nowhere else, he was with his brother but even he doesnt want him there anymore and he doesnt want to be there and cant be there because of things going on with the brother (drugs). I had agreed for him to stay for a few days, which turned into a week, which has now turned into a couple of weeks.

Its not like hes not pulling his weight, he cooks, he cleans and he looks after the kids sometimes too. But its the little things he does. Questions me about things, like last night, I mentioned that my mate had asked me to go to her bf's gig with her, I didnt really want to but hes all like 'So, are you asking me to babysit again (he's babysat 3 times since he got here), you were just complaining about being skint and now youre talking about going out?'. All I was doing was making conversation!

Then when he does babysit, he wants to know who Im with and where Im going, and Im like 'Its none of your damn business who I see or where I go!'

He has a problem with a very old friend of mine, by very old I mean that Ive known him since forever. We have been 'together' a few times and we have fallen out a good few times too! Ya know how you do with guy friends that are more than just friends but not all the time and they have issues and things go tits up but then a little while later its all forgotten and everything is ok again? Well, we're like that. We always seem to drift back together. But he has a problem with him coz of how he treated me one time. It was something and nothing but its like its a huge deal. And apparently this guy did something with some girl when she was seeing one of his mates although thats their business not my ex's, its just an excuse to try and still have some control over me. So if I want to see this guy then I have to tell the ex that Im doing something else because I cant be bothered with the hassle. Its ridiculous.

Hes made no effort to try and find somewhere else to live and Im being treated like the mug that Im acting like. I need to be strong and make him leave coz the more I say he can stay, the less he is going to try and find somewhere else.

I have to remember that he is not my responsibility anymore, hes a grown man and he needs to be able to look after himself. He can look after himself.

Im getting there though, twice hes asked me to go somewhere with him, to hold his hand in a way, and twice I have said no. Before I would have just gone, to keep the peace.

I just need to build on that strength.

My motto, sort of ...

I know this usually starts with 'God' but I prefer to leave that bit silent. Ya know, what with not being a believer an all. So here it is :~

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

I try to remind myself that I believe this. Although I still wish certain people would FOAD.


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Quote.

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't let them be reckless with yours.


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Who needs enemies?

Wow. I actually had no idea just how incredibly selfish and disgusting some people really are.

Ive recently fallen out with someone I thought was a really good friend. Wait, no, scratch that, we didnt fall out at all. There was no argument, no cross words, nothing. It just so happened that we didnt see each other for a little while, she asked if there was anything wrong, if she had done anything to which she got a negative response coz it was just one of those things. I was busy, she was busy etc. But that obviously went on a little longer than she was happy with, we stopped speaking pretty much altogether, and then I find out from two different sources, that she has been speaking about me. And after being asked what had happened (not by me), she replied with 'Things have been said, we will never be friends again'. And after the last few days, she will be lucky if I dont ruin her life for her.

We had sort of, kind of, got back on to online speaking terms, the odd comment on facebook or informative mini chats on MSN. Then she was told something that she didnt like. A decision I had made about someone who has previously been a rather large burden in my life. Basically, they had nowhere to live, no roof over their head, so I said that I would put him up for a few days. Im a grown up, I can make these informative decisions all by myself. Just because it pisses her off, or she has some sort of issue with it, she removes me from facebook. I think she blocked me too.

Then that evening, a fb message appears, not for me, but for the kids dad. She has taken it upon herself to inform him of a situation that happened a little while ago. I made a stupid decision and did something I shouldnt have. And 'out of concern' (read:out of being pissed off with me) she felt that she had to tell him. So of course, he flips out on me, I get called all sorts etc. etc. I explain my side, we get over it, its done. And that clearly wasnt the reaction that she had hoped for. So she has gone out of her way to try and make it worse for everyone. She chose last night to inform anybody that would listen in the pub about what happened. She called me names via the ex, calling me a slag, she left nasty little comments on facebook for all to see, ulimately, she threatened to do something, that if she carried it out, could seriously ruin lives.

This was never done out of concern, this was done purely because I was out of her control, I had taken my life back and I was doing ok. She didnt like that. This is nothing to do with concern, this is purely to do with narcissism.

She has fucked with the wrong person this time. I hope she really does believe in karma. Then she will understand why her life is about to go totally downhill.