Jinxed

Its like tempting fate. I write up a post to say how happy I am and them something happens to bring me down again. Its as if I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm not supposed to enjoy my life and what Ive worked and struggled for.
I woke up to texts again this morning. They don't bother me like they used to but they still serve to set me on edge for the day. I keep thinking 'these things are sent to try us.' and all that, but how much more crap do I have to go through before its all over? I'm not on edge like I used to be but I still have to think things through a lot more than most people would, have to think of the consequences that what I do will bring. I'm not talking anything crazy like, but ordinary, everyday decisions that most people could make without thinking twice about it. I have to weigh up the reaction to my decisions when I really shouldn't have to. And I know I shouldn't and I know that I should do what I want and not give it a second thought, but when you've been doing that for the best (worst?) part of ten years, its a hard habit to get out of.
I think I'm getting there, but there is still that fear ya know? Its more of a fear of the unknown, a fear of what might happen, whether it will be a repeat of things past or whether it would be something entirely different. I'm getting there, I know that. Very slowly but I *am* getting there.
I wish I had more support, not family as such (as much as I love them, they're not supportive as they just hate.) but more of a social network. The only way this is going to happen is if I push for it. In fact, I have literally just sent a text to an old friend that Ive been trying to catch up with for ages, inviting her for coffee.
I am not going to let him beat me. I cant. I spent enough time basically doing everything I could for him and the kids. The kids I don't mind, but I have to break the hold.
I have to. I have no choice if I want to move on at all.
Id still quite like someone to come rescue me.