Whats wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong and Ill be fine. Isn't that how it works? I'm always fine right? I'm the strong one, I'm the one that everyone comes to when they have problems. I can usually sympathise or empathise. Ive been through a hell of a lot in my relatively short life. And that's ok, I don't mind talking to people about their problems. In fact i enjoy it in a way, I don't mean I enjoy that they have problems, but I enjoy helping them fix theirs. It also gives me time to pretend mine don't exist.
I can tell you now, no-one knows or has ever known, how much I have actually been through. The issues I have had to face and the obstacles that I have had to drag myself over. Ive done so with a carefree, nothing-phases-me attitude. I could go through the most difficult thing and still pretend that I'm handling it just fine.
Newsflash: I don't. Ive never handled things well. I have the scars to prove it. Not just physical ones but mental ones too.
I may be 30 years old, with 3 beautiful children, but I don't have anyone, and never have had anyone close enough to me that KNOWS me. A few people think they have, but they have only known the person that i have let them know. I'm incapable of letting anyone get that near to me that they have the power to hurt me.
One person has come close, and the pain I feel now because of that is sometimes unbearable. Its like I'm still going thru these things coz it wont just leave me alone.
They frustrate me and anger me so much that I only have one way to release it. Even now, when they talk to me, or argue with me, I get so wound up that i sit and scratch my arm raw and I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm on my own again and I notice that my arm hurts.
And then I hate myself for giving them that power even though they don't know it.
And this is why I can't let anyone get close to me again.
Problem is, I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight this. There comes a point where I want to just say 'Fine, fuck it. Take what you want. Don't worry about me, Ill be fine ... ', except that this time I wouldn't be. How many times can I get knocked down before I eventually stay there? I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to it now.
I think I only have one final push left.
This probably doesn't make much sense I know. But I never know how to word these things without giving things away.
Coz no-one will ever know the amount of things that I have gone thru and am still going thru that have made me the person that I am today. And believe me, you never will. Its too hard.
You don't deserve to.