Sunday, 9 January 2011

Jaded ..

I really want to write this out but I don't even know where to start. Don't even know what to say.
This has been going on for years now. On and on, and I'm not sure that it will ever stop. I'm not sure that I can get out of it. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough.
I want to, I really, really want to. This is killing me. Its destroying any confidence that I was getting back, any resolve that I had. I'm struggling to write this coz I cant see for crying. My face is all swollen coz Ive been in tears all day. I cant stop, but I cant really let go coz then I know that will lead on to something else and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to get that far out of control that I have to take it back that way.
The worst part is, that I don't think you even realise, or if you do, you don't care. I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought I was helping. And although my intentions were that, you clearly took that as a sign to walk all over me. Again. And this is my fault coz I was stupid enough to let you. Again.
I honestly don't know who I hate more, myself or you. You for treating me like you do, or me for letting you.
I'm so tired, so exhausted by all of this, and I want to tell you to leave me alone, to get out of my life, but you just fight back and back until I have no fight left anymore. And you know you can do this and you play on it. And I hate you and I hate me for not being able to stay strong.
Nobody knows any of this either. You know, I tell people that I let you stay again and they're like "Yeah you gotta get rid." and I say that I know. I'm ok, I'm sorting it. They have no idea that I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. Coz I don't want to wake up to this again and again. They have no clue that I hurt myself, coz I cant control how you make me feel, and I have to get control back. They never will, because Ill never tell them. And then I feel stupid because I could ask for help, but I wont.
Because I'm so ashamed that I let you treat me this way. I am so ashamed that the kids see you treating me this way. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know where to get the strength from. That strength I used to have before I met you. I'm never going to get that back am I?
Maybe I should just resign myself to it always being this way. But I don't want to. I don't think I ever could, and that gives me the tiniest sliver of hope for myself.
Only problem is, I don't have the strength any more. Don't tell me I have, because I haven't. And what makes it worse, is that I'm going to have to rely on someone else, I'm going to have to ask someone else to support me. Lord knows who, I couldn't possibly fill my family in on all of this, they don't deserve to know. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean that they don't need to worry about me. There isn't anything they could do from where they are, so they don't need to worry about me on top of that.
So again, stuck at square one. Where do I go from here? (And now I'm singing Buffy show tunes.)
Where the hell does one get strength from?

2 comments:

  1. You get your strength from your friends, that's where!

    I've never known someone so universally LOVED on twitter! There are so many on there who would do anything they could to help you feel better! You just need to try to open up more to those you love and trust, get opinions on your situation, and then draw the strength from those people to tackle it head on.

    We're all behind you, and we all want to see you happy again!

    I know I would help, if asked.. :) xx

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  2. You can be strong Beth. You have friends. If you want to talk sometime I would listen. You can tell me anything and nobody else would hear it from me. I want you to have the strength you think you might never have again. You might not know me very well, but I do try to be there for my friends.
    J.

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