Tears

I keep wondering when it is that I'm finally going to stop crying over this. When enough is actually going to be enough. When basically, hes going to move on with his own life and leave me to get on with mine.
Once again, all I want to do is cry. I want to go somewhere, all alone, and cry until I cant cry anymore. Until my eyes are dry and sore and I don't feel anything anymore.
I want to run away, to just up and leave, leave everything behind and just go somewhere where no-one knows me. Where he cant find us. Where I can start over, start afresh and pretend that he doesn't exist.
I will never be able to do this, and probably wouldn't be the best idea anyways.
All I want is to be left alone. I don't want to make trouble, I don't want to stop the kids seeing him. I just want him to leave me, and anyone that may be associated with me, alone. I hate him. In fact no, I don't even have enough feeling for him to hate him. I just want him to go away.
I'm at a point now, where I'm numb. And this scares me. The numbness is what causes me to make myself feel. I get to a point where I feel numb for so long that I have to.
I don't want to, and so far I have resisted, I distract myself with other things. But it is always what my thoughts come back to. Its always a last resort but I'm so close to it. So close to feeling that release and that proof that I do still feel. That I am capable of still feeling.
That want for feeling is growing stronger. I hate it but I cant deny it.
I don't want to have to do this anymore.