Three Words.

So I signed up for this threewords thing. Some of the answers are quite eye-opening for me. The way that people think of me is mostly nice, and also pretty accurate.
One of the words I got was 'judgemental' and while a lot of people would probably take offence to this, I don't. Because I know full well that I am. I always have been, I judge people usually on face value. I will meet you (online, offline, whatever.) and I will make an immediate decision about you, usually my judgement is spot on, but occasionally I will be wide of the mark. If this does happen then I simply change my mind, I am not that set in my ways and sure of myself that I wont give people a second or even third chance.
Another was 'vulnerable'. This one made me think a lot, because I see myself as a tough, independent, strong person. Someone that people can turn to, someone that doesn't buckle under pressure. Vulnerable was never a word that I would think to apply to myself, but the more I think about it, the more I realise how right this probably is. And for someone to see it in me, shows that I'm not coming over as strong as I think I am. I'm ok with that tho, there is someone in my life now that is making me realise that its ok to be me. That I'm allowed to have some downtime, and not be so ... I cant think of the word, but like, its ok to lean on someone else sometimes. That I don't have to be strong all the time. And most importantly, its ok to let people see that I'm not ok. No-one will think badly of me, or think I'm weak.
This in itself is a revelation to me. Weeell, not really, but it is to my personality. I know that sounds daft, I really do. But I have spent the last half of my life, being the strong one. Ive been the one that doesn't cry, that keeps a level head in situations, that helps others, that doesn't fall apart, the one that has earned a name as a cold-hearted bitch coz I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't show strong emotion and I never have.
I'm slightly different now in as much as emotions go, I used films/TV as my catalysts if you like. If I'm getting frustrated or worked up about something and I need to let it out, Ill watch Armageddon. That film never fails to have me in floods of tears, and although the film is my trigger, the film is rarely what I'm actually crying about. As I watch it, I think about all the things that have upset me, all the things that I need to let go, and I do it while watching that. And if anyone sees/knows, I have "This film is soooo sad!" as my excuse, so no-one knows that I am actually capable of being emotional.
I don't know why I have such an issue about being upset in front of people. Ive always been the same for as long as I can remember. When I was in primary school, we were out in the playground and a football accidentally hit me in the back of the head and slammed my face into a wall, it hurt like fuck and actually made my two front teeth ever so slightly crooked, (I'm still bitter about that, my teeth used to be dead straight!) and I didn't cry coz my mate came into the toilets with me to make sure I was ok.
When my dad passed when I was 14, one RE lesson a few days after (typically) was a discussion on death, and I had to leg it from the room to the toilets again coz I refused to cry in front of anyone. My teacher sent a friend down to check on me and I refused to come out until she had gone. Ive always been the same. I still see crying as a weakness in myself. Not in anyone else tho.  I'm not sure that will ever change tbh.
My top word is 'sexy' and as flattering as this is, I just don't see it. I'm not one of those 'oh compliment me while I say I look awful', I'm not saying this so I get told otherwise, I'm saying it coz I genuinely think its true. Majority of the time I have unwashed hair, no make-up and dressed in the nearest clothes I have to hand, I'm more than 3 stone overweight (in MY opinion) and I don't get how this can possibly be described as sexy?! But of course I'm not going to complain as such, I say thankyou because its nice to hear, as much as I disagree!
So all in all, I think this 'venture' was a success. It has certainly given me things to think about. I do consider other peoples opinions of me, even though I don't let them affect me as such, if that makes sense.
I knew that I had to do some work on myself, and this gives me something to go on, so thankyou to anyone that has left me words, and if you haven't, go do it now!