Ok, I admit it. I'm lonely as fuck. I play the strong, independent ‘I don’t need a man’ type and it’s true, I don’t *need* a man. But I want one.
I want someone that I can call when
I'm feeling lonely or happy or scared to watch a horror film. Someone that I can cook for and take care of. But not all the time. Because I want to be taken care of too. But again, not all the time.
I want someone to be silly with. To have play fights and play board games. To go and do new things together like archery or pottery.
I want someone that cares enough to fight for what they believe in, even if that means fighting with me. And then I want someone that I can make up with afterwards. I want passion and romance and giggles. I want someone that I can make memories with.
I want someone that can hold me when I'm sad and not try and cheer me up, because sometimes I just need to be sad. Someone that understands that I sometimes need to be alone, or that I need my girlfriends.
Most of all I want someone that wants all those things too. Someone that wants me for me. Not someone who wants me-but-slightly-different. Don’t try to change me.
The only problem that I have with all of this, is that I just can’t help but think that I probably want too much.
Monday, 4 February 2013
Sunday, 13 January 2013
10 years
I hate being this weak. For 10 years you have abused me. You never hit me, not once. What you did was worse. Little by little you undermined me. You made me feel stupid and unimportant. Your needs came first, always.
For 10 years you have treated me like I was beneath you, like I didn't matter. You used me.
Yes we had some good times, but they were always on your terms.
In 2001, I made the worst decision of my life, I called you. After two months, you moved in because your mum had kicked you out of the house. That should've been my first clue.
Stupidly I thought I could fix you. I always was a sucker for a lost cause.
In 2002 came the next stupid decision, when I agreed to move to another country with you. That was when the destruction really started. It was fun at first, a release from the normal mundanity. But then it became a way of life. When the rest of us realised we had responsibilities, you carried on like you had none.
You walked away from your child. That should've been my next clue.
Oh you had all of the excuses, and I believed them. I was stupid and naive.
I should've spoken up. But you made sure that I couldn't, that I didn't have the confidence to think that anyone would believe me. Or that they would have had a 'you made your bed' mentality.
I thought I could handle it all by myself, that I could fix it all.
I know now that I never even had a chance.
You said you loved me. You don't know what the word means. I don't think you ever will.
Now, 10 years later, you still had me under your control all this time. You belittled me and harassed me that much, that I was still scared of you. Still scared of what you could do to hurt me. I knew that I was in the right, that there was nothing you could do, yet I was still scared.
Until you have been in the position that I have been in, people don't understand. They think its a case of 'Just say no', or 'Don't let him get to you'. Do you not think that if it was/is that simple, that that is exactly what I would have done?
It's not that easy to stand up to someone that has basically controlled you for so many years.
But I feel different now. I feel stronger. You are inferior. You're an inferior human and I will not let you bring me down, bring my children down, anymore.
We deserve better than you. We always have, but I feel able to back that up now.
I don't know what's changed, I don't know what's different. Maybe it's just a case of enough is enough, but I am done crying. I'm done damaging myself emotionally because of your failures.
You are a failure. You've failed your children, your parents and you've failed at your life. I don't know if you'll ever get that back. I no longer care.
Stay away from me. You're no longer important, not even as the father of my daughters. I have no respect for you and I never will again.
You are dead to me.
For 10 years you have treated me like I was beneath you, like I didn't matter. You used me.
Yes we had some good times, but they were always on your terms.
In 2001, I made the worst decision of my life, I called you. After two months, you moved in because your mum had kicked you out of the house. That should've been my first clue.
Stupidly I thought I could fix you. I always was a sucker for a lost cause.
In 2002 came the next stupid decision, when I agreed to move to another country with you. That was when the destruction really started. It was fun at first, a release from the normal mundanity. But then it became a way of life. When the rest of us realised we had responsibilities, you carried on like you had none.
You walked away from your child. That should've been my next clue.
Oh you had all of the excuses, and I believed them. I was stupid and naive.
I should've spoken up. But you made sure that I couldn't, that I didn't have the confidence to think that anyone would believe me. Or that they would have had a 'you made your bed' mentality.
I thought I could handle it all by myself, that I could fix it all.
I know now that I never even had a chance.
You said you loved me. You don't know what the word means. I don't think you ever will.
Now, 10 years later, you still had me under your control all this time. You belittled me and harassed me that much, that I was still scared of you. Still scared of what you could do to hurt me. I knew that I was in the right, that there was nothing you could do, yet I was still scared.
Until you have been in the position that I have been in, people don't understand. They think its a case of 'Just say no', or 'Don't let him get to you'. Do you not think that if it was/is that simple, that that is exactly what I would have done?
It's not that easy to stand up to someone that has basically controlled you for so many years.
But I feel different now. I feel stronger. You are inferior. You're an inferior human and I will not let you bring me down, bring my children down, anymore.
We deserve better than you. We always have, but I feel able to back that up now.
I don't know what's changed, I don't know what's different. Maybe it's just a case of enough is enough, but I am done crying. I'm done damaging myself emotionally because of your failures.
You are a failure. You've failed your children, your parents and you've failed at your life. I don't know if you'll ever get that back. I no longer care.
Stay away from me. You're no longer important, not even as the father of my daughters. I have no respect for you and I never will again.
You are dead to me.
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Needs
I want, no ... I *need* a relationship that doesn't take itself too seriously.
No pressure. No expectations. Just take each day as it comes and see how things go.
I don't want to make plans, not for a while anyways. I don't want to talk about the future.
Is that wrong? Should I wanting to settle down and get all serious? Do I have to do that? Because I don't think that I am ever going to want to do that.
I just want to have fun, and date, and enjoy things.
I just want to have fun.
No pressure. No expectations. Just take each day as it comes and see how things go.
I don't want to make plans, not for a while anyways. I don't want to talk about the future.
Is that wrong? Should I wanting to settle down and get all serious? Do I have to do that? Because I don't think that I am ever going to want to do that.
I just want to have fun, and date, and enjoy things.
I just want to have fun.
Monday, 29 October 2012
Time for change
This day, 18 years ago, I saw my dad for the last time ever. If you've read the previous posts then you will know this. You will also know just how cut up I have been.
But I've been thinking. My dad always wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to do good things and to live my life in a good way. He wouldn't have wanted me to be moping around (even if for good reason) being sad. He would've wanted me to embrace life and enjoy it. He would've wanted to be proud of me, proud of what I have accomplished and what I still have yet to do.
So today I am going to make a conscious effort to do that. And I'll do that in his memory, and I'll do it for him.
I have spent far too long and wasted far too much time just talking about things that I want to do and never actually doing them. A lot of my life is pretty shit, but I've let it get that way. I'm the only one that can change it.
So that is what I am going to do. Positivity will reign. Things will change. Procrastination will be a thing of the past (except on Sundays) and I will make a proper go of this life.
I do wish I had done more up to now, but I haven't and I can't change the past, all I can have control of is my future, and that future will be good. I want my dad to be proud of me, I want my kids to have someone to look up to, someone they could aspire to be like even. I want them to know that working hard to get where and what you want is a great thing. I want them to want more. I want them to realise the mistakes that I made, and realise that they can learn from mine and be better, do more, BE more.
See, that's what my dad would've taught them too. He'd have made the best grandad in the world, and he would've doted on my kids and my niece and nephew. Sadly that opportunity will never come about, so instead we will do things in his name, in his honour. And I will talk about him with happiness and animation.
They already miss him, even though they never had the chance to actually meet him. I'm glad they miss him, because that means they have an idea of how amazing he was.
But I digress, my point, is that things are going to change. Again.
I'm going to be the girl that my dad would be the most proud of.
But I've been thinking. My dad always wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to do good things and to live my life in a good way. He wouldn't have wanted me to be moping around (even if for good reason) being sad. He would've wanted me to embrace life and enjoy it. He would've wanted to be proud of me, proud of what I have accomplished and what I still have yet to do.
So today I am going to make a conscious effort to do that. And I'll do that in his memory, and I'll do it for him.
I have spent far too long and wasted far too much time just talking about things that I want to do and never actually doing them. A lot of my life is pretty shit, but I've let it get that way. I'm the only one that can change it.
So that is what I am going to do. Positivity will reign. Things will change. Procrastination will be a thing of the past (except on Sundays) and I will make a proper go of this life.
I do wish I had done more up to now, but I haven't and I can't change the past, all I can have control of is my future, and that future will be good. I want my dad to be proud of me, I want my kids to have someone to look up to, someone they could aspire to be like even. I want them to know that working hard to get where and what you want is a great thing. I want them to want more. I want them to realise the mistakes that I made, and realise that they can learn from mine and be better, do more, BE more.
See, that's what my dad would've taught them too. He'd have made the best grandad in the world, and he would've doted on my kids and my niece and nephew. Sadly that opportunity will never come about, so instead we will do things in his name, in his honour. And I will talk about him with happiness and animation.
They already miss him, even though they never had the chance to actually meet him. I'm glad they miss him, because that means they have an idea of how amazing he was.
But I digress, my point, is that things are going to change. Again.
I'm going to be the girl that my dad would be the most proud of.
Friday, 26 October 2012
My dad
It's been about 18 weeks since I last posted here. It would've been less but every time I read the last post I made, I ended up in bits and had to go and distract myself.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Fathers Day
I have started this post about 6 times. I keep writing a starting line and then deleting it because it just didn't seem like what I wanted to say.
Today is Fathers day. I do not 'celebrate' this day. I would prefer that this day didn't actually exist any more.
I lost my dad to skin cancer on the 30th October 1994. I was 14. He's been gone now, longer than I ever knew him.
I remember the last day that I saw him. He was in a Marie Curie hospice. I didn't really know what one was at the time, but anyways, I didn't actually want to go and see him. I didn't want to see him sick in a hospital bed, but my mum made us.
I remember walking in to the room and seeing him and immediately wanting to turn around and run away. That wasn't my dad, but at the same time it was. I didn't do that though. Instead I smiled and said hello, and then I locked myself in the bathroom for five minutes and cried harder than I ever had in my life. And then I stopped and I unlocked the door, took a deep breath and walked out. I went and sat down on the edge of my dads bed and held his hand. He wasn't strong enough to even speak anymore by this point so I had to do all the talking.
I told him about school, and about my horse-riding. I told him what I;'d been doing with my friends. And I told him I loved him. I spoke to him as if he was fine, as if he would be able to answer me, as if we were having a two-way conversation. I don't know how long we sat with me talking and holding his hand and looking at the incredible sadness in his eyes but too soon, it was time to go.
I had to say goodbye to my dad, to the greatest, most amazing man I had ever known, and I had to say goodbye. Knowing that it was probably for the last time ever. He was so, so ill. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. He mouthed back "I love you too." and I walked out of his room, promising to come back soon.
The next day I woke my mum up to get ready to go to the stables and she told me that my dad had passed away at around 2am that morning. I just said 'Ok. I'm going to go and get ready.' and I did. I went to the stables as usual and I said nothing. Not even to my best friend. Not until later that afternoon when she asked how he was. I think I just said 'He's gone.' I ended up being the one comforting her.
I didn't cry. Not once. Until the funeral. I didn't ride in the relatives car and I didn't sit at the front. I couldn't. I remember the vicar saying to me, as we were leaving, 'Nice to meet you, hope to say you again soon.' and all I could think was 'I bloody hope not, the only time I've met you is when my parent has died so I'd rather that didn't happen again.'.
That was nearly 18 years ago now, and I remember those parts like it was yesterday. Its funny what you remember.
I don't remember his laugh. I sometimes get flashes of what his voice sounded like but I can't just think and remember it. I'm not sure if memories are of things happening, or just what I remember from photos.
When you're 14, you don't think that you're going to need to remember these little details. You don't think that the most important man in your life, that should be there for you for as long as you need him, is going to be slowly ripped away from you, that you're going to see him deteriorate, and turn in to a shell of the man he used to be. When you're 14, you think you're going to have all the time in the world.
You think that amazing man is going to walk you down the aisle one day. He's going to be an awesome grandad. He's going to grow old and tell silly stories about the time he slipped and fell in the river.
You take him for granted.
At that age, nothing bad happening would ever cross your mind.
I wish it had, so I could have appreciated him more. I could have told him more times that I love him.
I miss him so much it physically hurts. I miss him more now than I did then because now I understand that gravitas of what he is missing out on.
Please, please, if you have your dads or even your grandads, and you love them, tell them.
Tell them as often as you can. Don't ever take your parents for granted. You really never know when they may not be there to hear it.
Happy fathers day Dad. Wherever you are, I still, and always will, love you with all of my heart xx
My mind
Its 4:22am and I haven't slept yet. I'm sitting in my bed, listening to The Offspring, drinking tea and eating biscuits. It's getting light outside. I can hear birds singing. But I don't want to sleep and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I kind of hope that I don't wake up. I don't want 'tomorrow' to come. I didn't even want to come to bed, but thought I'd best had, seeing as it was like, 3 o'clock in the morning. I don't know. I just ... I think, I feel like I'm losing things. I'm losing it and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go for help. But I do know I can't do this on my own. And I don't know what to do.
Today is Fathers day. And I've never needed my dad more than I do right now, but he's not here and he never will be. I want someone to hold me, and just tell me that everything's going to be ok. And to help me.
I'm just so lost.
So very lost.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Am I ready ... ?
Well hello. Its been a while huh? So things have changed since January. There have been many ups and downs, but for the most part, I am achieving what it was that I planned. (Not as quickly as I would have liked but I could've tried harder.)
Things have been difficult. I've been struggling for a couple months, but I am on the up and out of it now. Over the last few weeks, things have been improving and I have been getting back on track. I'm back at the gym, I'm eating better and generally taking back the control that I let go of.
The only thing that is bothering me, and I hate that it is, is my massive lack of love life! Don't get me wrong, there is no part of me that *needs* a bloke (ok, maybe a small part but we won't go there, literally or figuratively!), but it would be nice occasionally have someone that's slightly more interested in more than just a few one-nighters.
This isn't a new thing, its something that's been going on for as long as I can remember. Admittedly my persona and attitude probably gives the impression that that is all I am interested in, but it would be nice to occasionally have the option ya know?
I'm pretty much the only single one out of all of my friends. Not that they ever leave me out or anything, but its hard when you're the gooseberry, even if it is only in my head.
The closest I've ever been to a long-term relationship was 7 years. You would consider that a long-term thing, if it wasn't for about the last 5 years of that, I was more of a carer to an alcoholic than a gf to someone that loved me. He proposed after about 6 months, I accepted because he was ok then. I didn't get a ring until about 6 years later, when he was already sleeping with the woman that he ended up leaving me for. And I didn't even wear it on my finger, I had it on a necklace. So that was nice.
I just always seem to be the girl that guys want to sleep with (which is flattering of course) but they never want anything more. Like I said, maybe its me, maybe my walls are too thick.
It all just makes me feel that I am never going to find someone. That I'm going to end up on my own. That no-one is going to persevere enough with me to get through. I don;t know, I'm rambling now, as usual.
Maybe I'm ready for an actual real life relationship? The very thought of that scares me though. I've never been completely open with anybody ever. I actually don't know if I'm capable! But considering the alternative, maybe I should give it a try. 'Singledom' isn't always all its cracked up to be.
Its just that its a very lonely life when its all you've known.
Things have been difficult. I've been struggling for a couple months, but I am on the up and out of it now. Over the last few weeks, things have been improving and I have been getting back on track. I'm back at the gym, I'm eating better and generally taking back the control that I let go of.
The only thing that is bothering me, and I hate that it is, is my massive lack of love life! Don't get me wrong, there is no part of me that *needs* a bloke (ok, maybe a small part but we won't go there, literally or figuratively!), but it would be nice occasionally have someone that's slightly more interested in more than just a few one-nighters.
This isn't a new thing, its something that's been going on for as long as I can remember. Admittedly my persona and attitude probably gives the impression that that is all I am interested in, but it would be nice to occasionally have the option ya know?
I'm pretty much the only single one out of all of my friends. Not that they ever leave me out or anything, but its hard when you're the gooseberry, even if it is only in my head.
The closest I've ever been to a long-term relationship was 7 years. You would consider that a long-term thing, if it wasn't for about the last 5 years of that, I was more of a carer to an alcoholic than a gf to someone that loved me. He proposed after about 6 months, I accepted because he was ok then. I didn't get a ring until about 6 years later, when he was already sleeping with the woman that he ended up leaving me for. And I didn't even wear it on my finger, I had it on a necklace. So that was nice.
I just always seem to be the girl that guys want to sleep with (which is flattering of course) but they never want anything more. Like I said, maybe its me, maybe my walls are too thick.
It all just makes me feel that I am never going to find someone. That I'm going to end up on my own. That no-one is going to persevere enough with me to get through. I don;t know, I'm rambling now, as usual.
Maybe I'm ready for an actual real life relationship? The very thought of that scares me though. I've never been completely open with anybody ever. I actually don't know if I'm capable! But considering the alternative, maybe I should give it a try. 'Singledom' isn't always all its cracked up to be.
Its just that its a very lonely life when its all you've known.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
New Year, New Start?
I say a resounding 'YESSS'. I know, everyone says this every year, and every year nothing changes. "I'll lose weight.", "I'll save more money.", "I'll change my attitude towards x and y." and everything stays the same. I have been guilty of this on way more than one occasion believe me. I've had more resolutions than I care to remember.
Not this year though. This year, 5 days in, and I'm already different. Its not something that I feel I have physically worked at. I haven;t given anything up, or the opposite, taken anything up. I haven't consciously changed my lifestyle. But I feel different. I feel better. I feel happy. Yes, that says happy.
It actually started on New Years eve. I went to town with one of my best mates who was staying with me, and I was ready early. And then, in the evening, I was ready early again. Now I know how tiny and insignificant this must sound, but previously, I seemed to be incapable of being anywhere anything other than late. So being early twice in one day is a massive achievement for me!
I also had one of the best New Years that I've had in a very long time. Just went to my local pub, but it was really quiet (surprisingly). This is a good thing as it meant that we didn't have to wait half an hour at the bar to get a drink! I was surrounded by some of my very favourite people in the whole world, although a few were missed terribly too, and I even knew the bar staff so even going to the bar was fun. (Sadly didn't get any midnight kisses but I plan on making up for that this year!)
New Years day was the most eye-opening for me. I woke up, expecting to be hungover to death, considering the amount of beer and sambuca that I had consumed, but I was in the best mood that I have been in for a long-ass time. I'm talking years. I was Tigger. I was excited and bouncy and chatty and really annoying! But it was so awesome. For the first time in ages, in fact, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was truly happy. I don;t have the easiest life, but I am so lucky. I'm healthy, I have the best friends and family, I have a roof over my head and I am making a start to change my life for the better. On the flipside, I'm skint, I owe bills, my washing machine is broken and my flat looks like Hamleys fought Christmas then threw up but these things are all trivial. These things are all things that I can fix easily. The important things are there.
I've been in a variation of this bouncy mood for the last 5 days. And if you have read any of this blog aside from this post, then you will know how huge this is for me! I was the epitome of a miserable cow, and I'm sure that I will still have my moments, but I've decided that I am not going to be miserable unless I have a damn good reason for it. For one thing, its no fun! And for another, being miserable doesn't change anything. It won't pay bills or fix my washing machine, only actions will do that. I may as well just get on with it and be happy.This has all stemmed from a line from a TV show that I watch (Chase. FYI, they need to uncan this, I loved it!), which was:
I feel stronger already. More confident. More 'me'. And it just gives me more strength. Don't get me wrong, being brave is scary as hell, but its worth it. Its definitely worth it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES!!
Not this year though. This year, 5 days in, and I'm already different. Its not something that I feel I have physically worked at. I haven;t given anything up, or the opposite, taken anything up. I haven't consciously changed my lifestyle. But I feel different. I feel better. I feel happy. Yes, that says happy.
It actually started on New Years eve. I went to town with one of my best mates who was staying with me, and I was ready early. And then, in the evening, I was ready early again. Now I know how tiny and insignificant this must sound, but previously, I seemed to be incapable of being anywhere anything other than late. So being early twice in one day is a massive achievement for me!
I also had one of the best New Years that I've had in a very long time. Just went to my local pub, but it was really quiet (surprisingly). This is a good thing as it meant that we didn't have to wait half an hour at the bar to get a drink! I was surrounded by some of my very favourite people in the whole world, although a few were missed terribly too, and I even knew the bar staff so even going to the bar was fun. (Sadly didn't get any midnight kisses but I plan on making up for that this year!)
New Years day was the most eye-opening for me. I woke up, expecting to be hungover to death, considering the amount of beer and sambuca that I had consumed, but I was in the best mood that I have been in for a long-ass time. I'm talking years. I was Tigger. I was excited and bouncy and chatty and really annoying! But it was so awesome. For the first time in ages, in fact, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was truly happy. I don;t have the easiest life, but I am so lucky. I'm healthy, I have the best friends and family, I have a roof over my head and I am making a start to change my life for the better. On the flipside, I'm skint, I owe bills, my washing machine is broken and my flat looks like Hamleys fought Christmas then threw up but these things are all trivial. These things are all things that I can fix easily. The important things are there.
I've been in a variation of this bouncy mood for the last 5 days. And if you have read any of this blog aside from this post, then you will know how huge this is for me! I was the epitome of a miserable cow, and I'm sure that I will still have my moments, but I've decided that I am not going to be miserable unless I have a damn good reason for it. For one thing, its no fun! And for another, being miserable doesn't change anything. It won't pay bills or fix my washing machine, only actions will do that. I may as well just get on with it and be happy.This has all stemmed from a line from a TV show that I watch (Chase. FYI, they need to uncan this, I loved it!), which was:
"Don't let fear hold you back from something you want. Just close your eyes and make the leap."This 'spoke' to me. I rewound the epi and listened to this about 10 times. Its true. I have missed out on so much because I was too scared. And its ridiculous. That is not going to be me anymore. I mean, whats the worst that can happen? Someone may say no, or someone may laugh. But so what? As long as I know that I have done all that I can to get what I want then I'll get over it.
I feel stronger already. More confident. More 'me'. And it just gives me more strength. Don't get me wrong, being brave is scary as hell, but its worth it. Its definitely worth it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES!!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
I want ...
And now I want so much.
I hate feeling like this. I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm good with my own company. I like being alone.
But not any more. Well, not all the time anyways. Not any more.
I want someone. I want some to want me. I want someone to be there on these cold nights, to watch TV with, to play games with, to go to bed early with. Not every night. Just occasionally.
I want someone to wake up with. I want someone to bring me coffee in the morning. To snuggle up with for a while, then have the dishes done when I do get up!
I don't want to be the odd one out on nights out. The only one that doesn't have a bf.
I know I'm hard work, I know I can be an incredibly rubbish girlfriend (by normal standards). But that's the way I am. I'm moody. I'm stroppy. I change my mind, a lot. I'm not easy to deal with and I rarely make things simple. I don't trust, not 100%. I don't get jealous, but I do get suspicious.
But, despite all that, I can also be a very awesome girlfriend an all. I'm loyal, generous, helpful. I can be affectionate. And I'm a damn good cook (as long as you don't bother me in the kitchen!).
I don't really know what it is I'm trying to say to be honest.
I guess I'm lonely. Well, I know I'm lonely.
Jeez, you know I'm lonely.
It makes my head confused. I've been thinking lately, those women that settle, I can understand why they do it. I could never see why before but I think I get it now. I still very much doubt that I could do that. I would make life hell for them and for myself because of the boredom factor.
I need someone that's going to keep me on my toes. Someone with a mind of their own. An opinion of their own. Someone that will argue with me if they feel passionate about something. I don't want a 'yes-man', it would wind me up no end.
This doesn't mean that I want to be messed around. I hate it when people lie to me. An old relationship of mine ended, not because the person cheated, but because they lied to me about it even though I knew 100%. If they had been honest, maybe things could have been salvaged.
But I digress, actually I don't. Considering I'm not even sure what my point was.
Ugh, I don't even know. I guess I just want a nice, (hot) guy that's going look after me a little bit but not crowd me. Someone that has their own life as well as the one that they want to share with me. Someone that is going to be honest and not tell me what they think I want to hear - they're usually wrong anyways. Someone that I can love, and trust 100% and that loves me back just as much.
I think this may actually be too much to ask.
I hate feeling like this. I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm good with my own company. I like being alone.
But not any more. Well, not all the time anyways. Not any more.
I want someone. I want some to want me. I want someone to be there on these cold nights, to watch TV with, to play games with, to go to bed early with. Not every night. Just occasionally.
I want someone to wake up with. I want someone to bring me coffee in the morning. To snuggle up with for a while, then have the dishes done when I do get up!
I don't want to be the odd one out on nights out. The only one that doesn't have a bf.
I know I'm hard work, I know I can be an incredibly rubbish girlfriend (by normal standards). But that's the way I am. I'm moody. I'm stroppy. I change my mind, a lot. I'm not easy to deal with and I rarely make things simple. I don't trust, not 100%. I don't get jealous, but I do get suspicious.
But, despite all that, I can also be a very awesome girlfriend an all. I'm loyal, generous, helpful. I can be affectionate. And I'm a damn good cook (as long as you don't bother me in the kitchen!).
I don't really know what it is I'm trying to say to be honest.
I guess I'm lonely. Well, I know I'm lonely.
Jeez, you know I'm lonely.
It makes my head confused. I've been thinking lately, those women that settle, I can understand why they do it. I could never see why before but I think I get it now. I still very much doubt that I could do that. I would make life hell for them and for myself because of the boredom factor.
I need someone that's going to keep me on my toes. Someone with a mind of their own. An opinion of their own. Someone that will argue with me if they feel passionate about something. I don't want a 'yes-man', it would wind me up no end.
This doesn't mean that I want to be messed around. I hate it when people lie to me. An old relationship of mine ended, not because the person cheated, but because they lied to me about it even though I knew 100%. If they had been honest, maybe things could have been salvaged.
But I digress, actually I don't. Considering I'm not even sure what my point was.
Ugh, I don't even know. I guess I just want a nice, (hot) guy that's going look after me a little bit but not crowd me. Someone that has their own life as well as the one that they want to share with me. Someone that is going to be honest and not tell me what they think I want to hear - they're usually wrong anyways. Someone that I can love, and trust 100% and that loves me back just as much.
I think this may actually be too much to ask.
Friday, 21 October 2011
Right now
Right now I feel empty but full of emotion. I feel strong but ever so weak. I feel stupid but I know that I'm not. I don't know why I let this happen. I don't know why I cant be stronger.
I don't know why he wont leave me alone. Well, I do. I always cave. I always give him what he asks for but I don't know how to stop that.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for letting him win every damn time.
Hes full of promises that I don't believe. Hes full of apologies that mean nothing. He throws words around like he knows what they mean, yet he has no idea.
I don't know if he has any clue about how he makes me feel. If he has an idea, I know for a fact that he doesn't care. He says he does. What he means is, he will use the words until he gets exactly what he wants, then he will continue to treat everyone around him like dirt.
Right now, I want to break down. I want to sit in a corner and wail and sob. I want to punch the wall and I want to take it out on myself.
Because I'm the only one that can stop this happening.
I want to get completely shitfaced and dance my cares away, pretend nothing is real and my life is perfect.
I want to run away.
I cant do any of these things. I don't have the time for a breakdown. I have a family to look after. I have friends to be there for. I don't get the luxury of being able to collapse and give up.
I honestly don't know where to turn. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I know its been going on for far too long and as the old cliche goes, I want to get off.
But I cant find the stop button.
I don't think there is one for me.
I don't know why he wont leave me alone. Well, I do. I always cave. I always give him what he asks for but I don't know how to stop that.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for letting him win every damn time.
Hes full of promises that I don't believe. Hes full of apologies that mean nothing. He throws words around like he knows what they mean, yet he has no idea.
I don't know if he has any clue about how he makes me feel. If he has an idea, I know for a fact that he doesn't care. He says he does. What he means is, he will use the words until he gets exactly what he wants, then he will continue to treat everyone around him like dirt.
Right now, I want to break down. I want to sit in a corner and wail and sob. I want to punch the wall and I want to take it out on myself.
Because I'm the only one that can stop this happening.
I want to get completely shitfaced and dance my cares away, pretend nothing is real and my life is perfect.
I want to run away.
I cant do any of these things. I don't have the time for a breakdown. I have a family to look after. I have friends to be there for. I don't get the luxury of being able to collapse and give up.
I honestly don't know where to turn. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I know its been going on for far too long and as the old cliche goes, I want to get off.
But I cant find the stop button.
I don't think there is one for me.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Dictation
So last night I was chatting away to myself, as I do (its not as weird as it sounds .. ), and I decided that my chats would make good blog posts. So decided to dictate to myself, using the voice recorder on the phone. Here it is!
Ive just watched Educating Essex, and at the moment I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, because I have absolutely no idea. I mean, Id love to something to do with photography but I know that if that even happens, that it would take a while. I'm not going to be able to just buy a camera and suddenly jump into being a successful photographer so I'm going to have to look at something more realistic. Obviously if I do end up in that sort of thing then brilliant, but very unlikely to happen. I think my best bet with that would be to join a camera club. Ive found one that meets nearby in our local library so will look into that. They meet of an evening though, 8-10pm so would obviously need a regular sitter so we'll see.
Like I said, I have just watched Educating Essex, and the thought of being a teaching assistant has just flashed through my mind. This is very scary, as I don't like children. Really kinda hate kids. I just genuinely don't know what I want to do.
Ive been thinking of doing a degree, possibly thinking of doing an open degree with the Open University but it kinda depends on how long its would take me. I mean, if its going to take like, 6 years then there's no point, its too long. I have more time now, with the kids being in school/nursery, but once Molly turns 5 in 18 months, I am required by law to get, or at least look for, a job. I don't know if I would be still allowed to study. Its all pretty confusing. Don't get me wrong, I will want to work, but I want to be able to get a better job than an 'entry level' one, or at least have some quals. and skills behind me to have the option to.
I feel that what I'm doing now, is what I 'should' have been doing at 18. But because I didn't go to 6th form, because I left after my GCSEs and went to work in the stables, and did qualifications towards teaching, that I haven't decided what it is I want to do. Thing is, the stables/teaching really isn't an option right now. Because I didn't get the full teaching qualifications, I would have to go back and train, and that's just not possible. It wouldn't be easy to work out around the kids. And they would end up missing out on a lot of stuff, and I would end up missing out on them and if that was ever going to be an option, Id have gone back to the stables a long time ago. But I want to see them grow up and help them do that as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Otherwise things would be different and they're not. They are the way they are.
I need to try and work it out. The counselling is still an option. I'm not sure how it all works though, I need to sit down for an hour or two and work it out. Id love to study, Id love to have the vocation, Id love to have somewhere to go in my life. I don't just want to work in a supermarket, not that there is anything wrong with that job of course, but I don't just want a 'job'. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I love doing, that I can put all my effort into. Maybe that just wont happen, maybe I will be sat behind a till for the rest of my life and if that's the case then Ill have to find other ways to find fulfillment in my life.
If I actually do want to travel when the kids have grown up, like I have said I am going to do for years, then I'm going to have to make enough money to put some aside to save for that purpose. I want the kids to have everything they want. And if Ive just got some crappy job then its highly unlikely that Ill be able to do that for them, and that's not fair, its not their fault.
So this is where I am right now I'm trying to work out what it is I'm good at, what I enjoy and what I want to do. I keep coming back to the OU, I think that might just be my best bet. But I think I need to speak to someone about it, because I just don't have a bloody clue.
I just don't know, I really don't know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I enjoy doing, I cant remember! I love biology but where would I go with that?
At the OU, they offer a degree in counselling, but I need to sit down, probably for a couple hours, and figure out what I'm going to do and then make a start, because sitting here talking about is just well, its not getting me anywhere. I should never have taken that counselling course that I completely bailed on. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't ready for it. It shouldn't have been done, but it was and I have to sort it.
I need to sit down, concentrate and I need to read up. Then I need to get the ball rolling.
So yeah, my plan for now is to read, and figure out how I can do this counselling. I think that's what I want to do. I'm fairly sure that's what I want.
So wish me luck kids. Because I am amazing at procrastinating, as you all know. Today is a new day blah blah. You know how it goes.
Ive just watched Educating Essex, and at the moment I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, because I have absolutely no idea. I mean, Id love to something to do with photography but I know that if that even happens, that it would take a while. I'm not going to be able to just buy a camera and suddenly jump into being a successful photographer so I'm going to have to look at something more realistic. Obviously if I do end up in that sort of thing then brilliant, but very unlikely to happen. I think my best bet with that would be to join a camera club. Ive found one that meets nearby in our local library so will look into that. They meet of an evening though, 8-10pm so would obviously need a regular sitter so we'll see.
Like I said, I have just watched Educating Essex, and the thought of being a teaching assistant has just flashed through my mind. This is very scary, as I don't like children. Really kinda hate kids. I just genuinely don't know what I want to do.
Ive been thinking of doing a degree, possibly thinking of doing an open degree with the Open University but it kinda depends on how long its would take me. I mean, if its going to take like, 6 years then there's no point, its too long. I have more time now, with the kids being in school/nursery, but once Molly turns 5 in 18 months, I am required by law to get, or at least look for, a job. I don't know if I would be still allowed to study. Its all pretty confusing. Don't get me wrong, I will want to work, but I want to be able to get a better job than an 'entry level' one, or at least have some quals. and skills behind me to have the option to.
I feel that what I'm doing now, is what I 'should' have been doing at 18. But because I didn't go to 6th form, because I left after my GCSEs and went to work in the stables, and did qualifications towards teaching, that I haven't decided what it is I want to do. Thing is, the stables/teaching really isn't an option right now. Because I didn't get the full teaching qualifications, I would have to go back and train, and that's just not possible. It wouldn't be easy to work out around the kids. And they would end up missing out on a lot of stuff, and I would end up missing out on them and if that was ever going to be an option, Id have gone back to the stables a long time ago. But I want to see them grow up and help them do that as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Otherwise things would be different and they're not. They are the way they are.
I need to try and work it out. The counselling is still an option. I'm not sure how it all works though, I need to sit down for an hour or two and work it out. Id love to study, Id love to have the vocation, Id love to have somewhere to go in my life. I don't just want to work in a supermarket, not that there is anything wrong with that job of course, but I don't just want a 'job'. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I love doing, that I can put all my effort into. Maybe that just wont happen, maybe I will be sat behind a till for the rest of my life and if that's the case then Ill have to find other ways to find fulfillment in my life.
If I actually do want to travel when the kids have grown up, like I have said I am going to do for years, then I'm going to have to make enough money to put some aside to save for that purpose. I want the kids to have everything they want. And if Ive just got some crappy job then its highly unlikely that Ill be able to do that for them, and that's not fair, its not their fault.
So this is where I am right now I'm trying to work out what it is I'm good at, what I enjoy and what I want to do. I keep coming back to the OU, I think that might just be my best bet. But I think I need to speak to someone about it, because I just don't have a bloody clue.
I just don't know, I really don't know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I enjoy doing, I cant remember! I love biology but where would I go with that?
At the OU, they offer a degree in counselling, but I need to sit down, probably for a couple hours, and figure out what I'm going to do and then make a start, because sitting here talking about is just well, its not getting me anywhere. I should never have taken that counselling course that I completely bailed on. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't ready for it. It shouldn't have been done, but it was and I have to sort it.
I need to sit down, concentrate and I need to read up. Then I need to get the ball rolling.
So yeah, my plan for now is to read, and figure out how I can do this counselling. I think that's what I want to do. I'm fairly sure that's what I want.
So wish me luck kids. Because I am amazing at procrastinating, as you all know. Today is a new day blah blah. You know how it goes.
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Crashing
This morning I woke up groggy. I went to sleep finally around 2am, kept waking up, had very odd dreams and was woken up at 7:11am by a small child needing me to help her downstairs.
Despite that, my mood wasn't terrible. I went back to bed and dozed for a while, but again kept getting woken up by the kids. Which of course I cant blame them as they're younger and cant get they're own cereal etc.
I got up, sorted my coffee and stuff, had breakfast, did some housework and listened/read about Liverpool beating Everton 2-0. And I was tired, but fine.
Then all of a sudden, around an hour or so ago, I just suddenly felt really down. (I don't want to use the word depressed, because I think that should be used in its correct context.) I have no reason for this mood crash that I can think of. I didn't have an argument, nothing happened to cause this. I was just, all of a sudden, wanting to go and lie on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry. Maybe if I did that I would feel better. But I cant.
Those small people that woke me up this morning are still around playing. I cant just go have a little breakdown because it would upset them terribly. I simply don't have the time.
I'm trying to think of what might be making me feel this way. What it is that's not letting me be happy. These mood crashes come so regularly to me now but then I seem to lighten up just as quickly. This does worry me a little but I know that I'm not happy with my life the way it is.
I'm not happy with where I live, although I am grateful that I actually have somewhere to live. I'm not happy about being alone, except I would rather be alone and unhappy, than be with unhappy with someone. I'm not happy with myself, the way I look and the way I feel about that. There are other things that I have to work on to change about myself, my attitude and my outlook, I know that. But would my emotions not give me a bit of a break in the meantime?
There is one thing that keeps popping into my mind but that's only from today, it wouldn't really explain previous mood crashes. October 30th will be the 17th anniversary of my dad dying. Hes been gone 3 years longer than I got to be with him, and even this much later, it hurts more than anything ever has. I miss him more now than ever and I wish he was still here. I need him.
But I cant blame this on that, it was so long ago. Yeah I miss him, but I cant let that affect me so much. I don't know, maybe I never really got over it.
I don't know about much of this right now to be honest.
All I want to do now is to find some really sad film and cry the mood out.
I hope it helps because this is exhausting me.
Despite that, my mood wasn't terrible. I went back to bed and dozed for a while, but again kept getting woken up by the kids. Which of course I cant blame them as they're younger and cant get they're own cereal etc.
I got up, sorted my coffee and stuff, had breakfast, did some housework and listened/read about Liverpool beating Everton 2-0. And I was tired, but fine.
Then all of a sudden, around an hour or so ago, I just suddenly felt really down. (I don't want to use the word depressed, because I think that should be used in its correct context.) I have no reason for this mood crash that I can think of. I didn't have an argument, nothing happened to cause this. I was just, all of a sudden, wanting to go and lie on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry. Maybe if I did that I would feel better. But I cant.
Those small people that woke me up this morning are still around playing. I cant just go have a little breakdown because it would upset them terribly. I simply don't have the time.
I'm trying to think of what might be making me feel this way. What it is that's not letting me be happy. These mood crashes come so regularly to me now but then I seem to lighten up just as quickly. This does worry me a little but I know that I'm not happy with my life the way it is.
I'm not happy with where I live, although I am grateful that I actually have somewhere to live. I'm not happy about being alone, except I would rather be alone and unhappy, than be with unhappy with someone. I'm not happy with myself, the way I look and the way I feel about that. There are other things that I have to work on to change about myself, my attitude and my outlook, I know that. But would my emotions not give me a bit of a break in the meantime?
There is one thing that keeps popping into my mind but that's only from today, it wouldn't really explain previous mood crashes. October 30th will be the 17th anniversary of my dad dying. Hes been gone 3 years longer than I got to be with him, and even this much later, it hurts more than anything ever has. I miss him more now than ever and I wish he was still here. I need him.
But I cant blame this on that, it was so long ago. Yeah I miss him, but I cant let that affect me so much. I don't know, maybe I never really got over it.
I don't know about much of this right now to be honest.
All I want to do now is to find some really sad film and cry the mood out.
I hope it helps because this is exhausting me.
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Confidence ...
I was thinking about my confidence levels today, the differences in the type of confidence that I have. Basically my personality vs. my appearance.
I find it a little bit odd that people think I'm confident. I'm not. I'm literally (with the exception of one) the shyest person that I know. I suck incredibly badly at small talk or any type of conversation with new people that I meet. So much so that I end up sitting in silence or checking my phone (for something to do) and they end up thinking I'm a snotty bitch. I'm not, I just literally don't know what to say to them.
This is why I am attracted to confident people, I am drawn towards people that are so very sure of themselves. That are happy in who they are, what they look like, what they do. These people fascinate me.
I thought I used to be one of these people, but my confidence didn't run all the way through me, I relied on my looks a lot. This isn't me bragging, its just fact. When I was younger, pre age 21ish, I had an amazing body. I was pretty and I was confident in that, so I used it. I hid behind it almost. The way some girls use their make-up as a mask, I used my figure. I would flaunt it I guess. And because of this, the need for actual small talk that wasn't shameless flirting was taken away.
I did manage to develop friendships but it was hard. It helped that these people were already friends of my brothers so I could use that to my advantage. Other friendships were made through work so were easier because of the shared interest (I worked at a horse riding school). But meeting people outside my circles was basically impossible.
Jump ahead a few years. My figure went away as I stopped working after having kids, I met my (now ex) bf and we settled. I put on about 3 stone, my confidence plummeted and I didn't even have the body to hide behind. We moved to Ireland and for 7 years, I made not one friend. I never went out with anyone that wasn't my bf or my mum except maybe once or twice.
It didn't help that the bf drained the confidence out of me either. Little things, offhand comments about my weight or appearance or intelligence. I am by no means stupid, but when people that claim to love you, say things often enough, you start to believe it.
Jump ahead another couple years, I am back home. I have amazing friends and the bf is (finally, 3 years after we actually split up) long gone. My confidence has changed considerably. Probably for the better as I am sure of myself as a person. I know that I am loyal, generous, friendly - I still struggle with small talk, but am less bothered of sounding like a twat so will speak instead of ignoring people! - I am a good listener and I like to observe people and their behaviour which gives me more of an idea of how to handle them. I also know that I can be a complete bitch, and I know that I will speak up for my children and my friends when needs be. I also know that I will have something to say TO friends if they do cross a line (as some of them will know).
It amazes me how much has switched up, and how much has happened over the last 15 years.
What I plan for next, is to work on the confidence in my appearance. I'm now 13 stone (as of yesterday). I don't think that I have ever weighed this much in my life, even when pregnant. If I'm completely honest, it disgusts me. I truly disgust myself. Yet that doesn't seem to affect the way I choose to eat.
I was thinking, as I was eating my breakfast, just how damn ridiculous I am being to myself.
I'm the only one (yes, I probably have said this before, but change takes a while for me!) that can make any difference to the foods that I put in my body, and it is solely those foods that will have an effect on my appearance and therefore, my confidence.
I know a lot of people tell me that I should accept myself the way I am, but why should I? If I look at myself in the mirror (which I try to avoid doing), I don't see anything attractive. I am overweight. I am unhealthy. If I carry on, I am going to cause myself problems as I get older. I don't want to accept that. I don't want to be ok with that. The second I even think that this is ok, will be the beginning of the end.
I was talking travel plans earlier, how I want to travel like a gap year student once my kids are grown. At this rate, Ill barely be able to leave my house, never mind travel!
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly there but in all seriousness, I need to sort this, and sort it now.
I genuinely believe that it is now or never.
I choose now.
I find it a little bit odd that people think I'm confident. I'm not. I'm literally (with the exception of one) the shyest person that I know. I suck incredibly badly at small talk or any type of conversation with new people that I meet. So much so that I end up sitting in silence or checking my phone (for something to do) and they end up thinking I'm a snotty bitch. I'm not, I just literally don't know what to say to them.
This is why I am attracted to confident people, I am drawn towards people that are so very sure of themselves. That are happy in who they are, what they look like, what they do. These people fascinate me.
I thought I used to be one of these people, but my confidence didn't run all the way through me, I relied on my looks a lot. This isn't me bragging, its just fact. When I was younger, pre age 21ish, I had an amazing body. I was pretty and I was confident in that, so I used it. I hid behind it almost. The way some girls use their make-up as a mask, I used my figure. I would flaunt it I guess. And because of this, the need for actual small talk that wasn't shameless flirting was taken away.
I did manage to develop friendships but it was hard. It helped that these people were already friends of my brothers so I could use that to my advantage. Other friendships were made through work so were easier because of the shared interest (I worked at a horse riding school). But meeting people outside my circles was basically impossible.
Jump ahead a few years. My figure went away as I stopped working after having kids, I met my (now ex) bf and we settled. I put on about 3 stone, my confidence plummeted and I didn't even have the body to hide behind. We moved to Ireland and for 7 years, I made not one friend. I never went out with anyone that wasn't my bf or my mum except maybe once or twice.
It didn't help that the bf drained the confidence out of me either. Little things, offhand comments about my weight or appearance or intelligence. I am by no means stupid, but when people that claim to love you, say things often enough, you start to believe it.
Jump ahead another couple years, I am back home. I have amazing friends and the bf is (finally, 3 years after we actually split up) long gone. My confidence has changed considerably. Probably for the better as I am sure of myself as a person. I know that I am loyal, generous, friendly - I still struggle with small talk, but am less bothered of sounding like a twat so will speak instead of ignoring people! - I am a good listener and I like to observe people and their behaviour which gives me more of an idea of how to handle them. I also know that I can be a complete bitch, and I know that I will speak up for my children and my friends when needs be. I also know that I will have something to say TO friends if they do cross a line (as some of them will know).
It amazes me how much has switched up, and how much has happened over the last 15 years.
What I plan for next, is to work on the confidence in my appearance. I'm now 13 stone (as of yesterday). I don't think that I have ever weighed this much in my life, even when pregnant. If I'm completely honest, it disgusts me. I truly disgust myself. Yet that doesn't seem to affect the way I choose to eat.
I was thinking, as I was eating my breakfast, just how damn ridiculous I am being to myself.
I'm the only one (yes, I probably have said this before, but change takes a while for me!) that can make any difference to the foods that I put in my body, and it is solely those foods that will have an effect on my appearance and therefore, my confidence.
I know a lot of people tell me that I should accept myself the way I am, but why should I? If I look at myself in the mirror (which I try to avoid doing), I don't see anything attractive. I am overweight. I am unhealthy. If I carry on, I am going to cause myself problems as I get older. I don't want to accept that. I don't want to be ok with that. The second I even think that this is ok, will be the beginning of the end.
I was talking travel plans earlier, how I want to travel like a gap year student once my kids are grown. At this rate, Ill barely be able to leave my house, never mind travel!
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly there but in all seriousness, I need to sort this, and sort it now.
I genuinely believe that it is now or never.
I choose now.
Thursday, 11 August 2011
I miss ...
I miss so much.
I miss being touched. I miss having someone touch me so gently, it seems they're afraid I might break. I miss having someone whisper in my ear how beautiful they think I am, and how good they think we are together.
I miss being cuddled, like its the most important thing in the world to be in that persons arms, right at that very moment.
I miss being kissed, like its an alternative to breathing, like if they stop, so will life itself.
I miss laughing with someone. Finding the exact same things funny, or just hearing things that people say and giving each other that look that means you both heard something entirely different and you'll share it another time.
I miss the closeness that comes with the realisation that at that time, there is only one person in the world that you want to be with.
I miss the feeling of skin on skin. Touching their body with mine,, becoming like one.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss the texts and messages and phone calls, just to say hello. Or to tell you that they love you. I also miss feeling needed. When they have a bad day and you're the only thing in the world that will make them feel better.
I miss being held, its different to being cuddled, when I'm upset or down. Feeling safe. Feeling protected.
I miss arguments and fights. I miss feeling so passionate about something, with someone, but you're so secure that you know you can say what you need to say without the fear of it breaking what you have.
I miss making up afterwards. The angry but loving togetherness that ultimately leaves you both exhausted but so incredibly satisfied.
I miss the talking. The most random subjects that can have you agreeing so much that you finish each others sentences then in the same breath, having such opposing opinions on a subject that it makes you wonder how you even ended up talking about it.
I miss holding hands. That simple yet so incredibly intimate gesture of you having your fingers entwined in each others. Stroking the back of their hand with your thumb, which makes them know that you're still thinking about them even though they're not your full focus of attention.
I miss so much, but most of all I miss loving, and being loved in return.
That's what I miss the most.
I miss being touched. I miss having someone touch me so gently, it seems they're afraid I might break. I miss having someone whisper in my ear how beautiful they think I am, and how good they think we are together.
I miss being cuddled, like its the most important thing in the world to be in that persons arms, right at that very moment.
I miss being kissed, like its an alternative to breathing, like if they stop, so will life itself.
I miss laughing with someone. Finding the exact same things funny, or just hearing things that people say and giving each other that look that means you both heard something entirely different and you'll share it another time.
I miss the closeness that comes with the realisation that at that time, there is only one person in the world that you want to be with.
I miss the feeling of skin on skin. Touching their body with mine,, becoming like one.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss the texts and messages and phone calls, just to say hello. Or to tell you that they love you. I also miss feeling needed. When they have a bad day and you're the only thing in the world that will make them feel better.
I miss being held, its different to being cuddled, when I'm upset or down. Feeling safe. Feeling protected.
I miss arguments and fights. I miss feeling so passionate about something, with someone, but you're so secure that you know you can say what you need to say without the fear of it breaking what you have.
I miss making up afterwards. The angry but loving togetherness that ultimately leaves you both exhausted but so incredibly satisfied.
I miss the talking. The most random subjects that can have you agreeing so much that you finish each others sentences then in the same breath, having such opposing opinions on a subject that it makes you wonder how you even ended up talking about it.
I miss holding hands. That simple yet so incredibly intimate gesture of you having your fingers entwined in each others. Stroking the back of their hand with your thumb, which makes them know that you're still thinking about them even though they're not your full focus of attention.
I miss so much, but most of all I miss loving, and being loved in return.
That's what I miss the most.
Reflection
I have another blog where I talk about weight loss and becoming more healthy. Since I've started talking about losing weight, people have told me that I'm just fine the way I am. That guys like 'curvy' women, and that I'm not fat.
Truth is, I am fat, and I am unhealthy. I am overweight for my height and my frame, and I eat unhealthy food way more often than I should.
It doesn't matter to me what guys may like, good for them. But just as I don't find every single guy in the world attractive, then it stands to reason, that not every guy in the world likes 'curvy' girls.
I am currently a size 16. I am currently very unhappy with my size and shape.
I have a mirror in my hall that I look away from every time I walk past it to get to the bathroom. Occasionally I will get undressed to my underwear and look at myself from all angles. Not in many years have I ever done that and thought that I looked in the slightest bit attractive.
Adding to that thought, I genuinely cannot see how anyone else could look at me and think that I was beautiful from head to toe. I know that I have a pretty face, but that's not difficult. (Oddly enough I like my wrists and my ankles, because they never get fat.) I never feel beautiful though.
There was once, just over a year ago, with this one guy. He has been the only one that has made me feel truly beautiful. That was for like, two days. I've not really spoken about him here, (I've just skimmed through a load of old posts because I could have sworn I had mentioned him at some point but I cant find anything about him.) he was the guy that I lost a friend over.
He was seeing a mate of mine a while ago, they were at breakup point and we were developing feelings for each other. Something happened and they ended up staying together which of course meant that whatever was between us had to be forgotten.
I still wonder 'what if?', and I guess a part of me misses him because we got on so incredibly well. Talked to him about things that I've never spoken to anyone else about, but then all of a sudden he was gone because we couldn't be ... I don't know, whatever we were going to be. That actually hurt like hell. I was already completely messed up over all sorts of other things and that was just the icing on the cake.
I know if we had have gotten together, it would have been amazing, for a while. And then we would have hit the mutual self destruct button and it would have ended up a complete car crash. That's a perfect analogy, we would have had a total car crash relationship. We were far too alike, personality, sense of humour, so many things were the same. He was like a male version of me. Except he was gorgeous. But yeah, he was the only guy in many years that made me feel good about myself, about the way I looked. But then in essence, he left me too. Like everyone else does.
When I was younger, I was a size 8 - 10. I was fit and I was toned and I had a cracking body. You could easily see my abs and I had arms and shoulders like an American footballer and I loved it. I loved how strong I was. I loved that I was stronger than most of the guys I knew. I didn't work for any of this and my diet was awful. That was when I did eat, which wasn't often! My job at the stables was very physical, lots of heavy lifting and constantly on my feet being busy with various jobs so the body came naturally.
I want that back. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
This is not a post that's looking for people to tell me that I'm not that bad, or that people like me the way I am because like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for approval or acceptance, I know I have that already.
I just want to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.
You ...
I fucking hate you.
I think I always will.
I wish I didn't have to, but it's the way you made me.
And I'm ok with it now.
I hate you.
I think I always will.
I wish I didn't have to, but it's the way you made me.
And I'm ok with it now.
I hate you.
Monday, 25 July 2011
Thoughts
Ive wanted to blog for a few days now. I haven't know where to start, what to say. Ive had an idea of what it is that I want to write about but I didn't know how to get it going.
I guess one of the main things that Ive been thinking about lately, is being a single mum. With it being my birthday recently, I always sort of, take stock of where I'm at in my life. I'm not happy with where I am to be honest.
I've probably said this before, but when I was younger, the last position I saw myself in, at the age of 31, was a jobless, overweight, single mum. I envisaged me running my own breaking yard. A stables where people brought young, unridden horses in for me to back. To get used to having the saddles on their back and ultimately get used to being ridden well, handled gently and turn out into good, safe horses. That was my plan.
My plan was scuppered when I failed to pass my driving test, although I only got told of this after I had left the yard. I think I was 18 when I failed first time. I was actually quite shocked and dismayed when they examiner said "I'm sorry ... ", because I was convinced that I had passed with flying colours, and if you took out that one eager pulling out at the roundabout, right at the beginning, then my test was basically perfect. I say eager, because if it had been an experienced driver then no-one would have batted an eyelid, but because I was still in 'Learner' status, the examiner said I should have been more hesitant.
But my driving tests are another story. Me failing my test, denied me the chance to manage the side of the riding school that I wanted. The side that worked the private horses. The side that had the youngsters come in, that had the older, more experienced jumping horses that I would have had the chance to school and exercise. Because I couldn't be relied upon to get to the stables as easily, I had to get a lift over from the riding school. I got told after I had left, that that yard would've been mine. I would've been in charge of the whole thing. That that was what I was being trained for. And Ive just realised that it still hurts that I missed out on that opportunity as my eyes are currently filling up with tears as I write this.
Being a mum has never been natural for me. I don't have a maternal bone in my body, for humans anyways. Bring me a sick, injured, abandoned animal, of pretty much any type, and Ill look after it. Ill nurture it back to health and then not want to let it go. Bring me a baby and I'm like, 'What do you want me to do with that then?'
I remember when I found out that I was having my son, I was 30 weeks gone, I had planned on never having kids, ever. I didn't want them, I didn't like them, I didn't have the patience for them. But there he was, on the scan.
He was born 2 weeks later, so I was effectively pregnant for 2 weeks. He was 8 weeks early so was taken straight into the Special Care Baby Unit, where he was put in an incubator. Luckily his breathing was pretty strong so he didn't have to go on oxygen. He had a tube going up his nose down into his stomach for feeding because he wasn't capable of suckling from a bottle being born that early. He was in there for around 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks, I just didn't know what to do. I went to see him every day, I fed him, i looked at him, but I wasn't allowed to touch him at first. He wasn't quite strong enough. When the nurses told me that he was ok to come out of his incubator, I didn't want to hold him. I didn't know how to.
We managed tho. The first 6 months or so were some of the hardest times of my life. There were times when I wasn't interested. I was 20, I didn't want to grow up. The only responsibilities I wanted were within my job. But I had no choice. That little boy was there, and he needed me. It took me a while, but we got there. Eventually.
Hes 10 now, starting his last year in primary school in September. Hes grown up so quickly and so well. His teachers say that hes a pleasure to teach, that hes polite and helpful. He tries his best etc. I really couldn't be prouder of that little dude.
I guess the point of this post is, that although I'm a million miles away from where I expected to be, and there is a hell of a lot more to add to that story that I wont here, I think I might be doing ok.
This wasn't what I planned, this wasn't what I wanted. But its where I am.
And I think I'm ok.
I guess one of the main things that Ive been thinking about lately, is being a single mum. With it being my birthday recently, I always sort of, take stock of where I'm at in my life. I'm not happy with where I am to be honest.
I've probably said this before, but when I was younger, the last position I saw myself in, at the age of 31, was a jobless, overweight, single mum. I envisaged me running my own breaking yard. A stables where people brought young, unridden horses in for me to back. To get used to having the saddles on their back and ultimately get used to being ridden well, handled gently and turn out into good, safe horses. That was my plan.
My plan was scuppered when I failed to pass my driving test, although I only got told of this after I had left the yard. I think I was 18 when I failed first time. I was actually quite shocked and dismayed when they examiner said "I'm sorry ... ", because I was convinced that I had passed with flying colours, and if you took out that one eager pulling out at the roundabout, right at the beginning, then my test was basically perfect. I say eager, because if it had been an experienced driver then no-one would have batted an eyelid, but because I was still in 'Learner' status, the examiner said I should have been more hesitant.
But my driving tests are another story. Me failing my test, denied me the chance to manage the side of the riding school that I wanted. The side that worked the private horses. The side that had the youngsters come in, that had the older, more experienced jumping horses that I would have had the chance to school and exercise. Because I couldn't be relied upon to get to the stables as easily, I had to get a lift over from the riding school. I got told after I had left, that that yard would've been mine. I would've been in charge of the whole thing. That that was what I was being trained for. And Ive just realised that it still hurts that I missed out on that opportunity as my eyes are currently filling up with tears as I write this.
Being a mum has never been natural for me. I don't have a maternal bone in my body, for humans anyways. Bring me a sick, injured, abandoned animal, of pretty much any type, and Ill look after it. Ill nurture it back to health and then not want to let it go. Bring me a baby and I'm like, 'What do you want me to do with that then?'
I remember when I found out that I was having my son, I was 30 weeks gone, I had planned on never having kids, ever. I didn't want them, I didn't like them, I didn't have the patience for them. But there he was, on the scan.
He was born 2 weeks later, so I was effectively pregnant for 2 weeks. He was 8 weeks early so was taken straight into the Special Care Baby Unit, where he was put in an incubator. Luckily his breathing was pretty strong so he didn't have to go on oxygen. He had a tube going up his nose down into his stomach for feeding because he wasn't capable of suckling from a bottle being born that early. He was in there for around 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks, I just didn't know what to do. I went to see him every day, I fed him, i looked at him, but I wasn't allowed to touch him at first. He wasn't quite strong enough. When the nurses told me that he was ok to come out of his incubator, I didn't want to hold him. I didn't know how to.
We managed tho. The first 6 months or so were some of the hardest times of my life. There were times when I wasn't interested. I was 20, I didn't want to grow up. The only responsibilities I wanted were within my job. But I had no choice. That little boy was there, and he needed me. It took me a while, but we got there. Eventually.
Hes 10 now, starting his last year in primary school in September. Hes grown up so quickly and so well. His teachers say that hes a pleasure to teach, that hes polite and helpful. He tries his best etc. I really couldn't be prouder of that little dude.
I guess the point of this post is, that although I'm a million miles away from where I expected to be, and there is a hell of a lot more to add to that story that I wont here, I think I might be doing ok.
This wasn't what I planned, this wasn't what I wanted. But its where I am.
And I think I'm ok.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Number 51.
So this is my 51st post here. In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure what the content of most of my posts are. I tend to just write and in a way, let my fingers do the talking. Its like I get in a zone and I just keep going.
Saying that, this one is is going to, at least to start of with, be a little more light hearted.
So Ive noticed, quite often, that when I stick my music on my iPod and turn it on 'shuffle', it more often than not plays songs relevant to what I'm feeling at the time. Whether it be happy, or sad. Or somewhere in between. I'm going to list 10 songs here that played this morning when I was doing some chores, there was major eye-rolling going on coz they are all so relevant (in different ways) to how Ive been feeling lately. List is;
Saying that, this one is is going to, at least to start of with, be a little more light hearted.
So Ive noticed, quite often, that when I stick my music on my iPod and turn it on 'shuffle', it more often than not plays songs relevant to what I'm feeling at the time. Whether it be happy, or sad. Or somewhere in between. I'm going to list 10 songs here that played this morning when I was doing some chores, there was major eye-rolling going on coz they are all so relevant (in different ways) to how Ive been feeling lately. List is;
- Adele - Set Fire to the Rain
- Will Young - Love
- Jamelia (Live Lounge) - Numb
- Staind - Tangled Up in You
- Pink - Stop Falling
- Tinie Tempah (Live Lounge) - Frisky
- Avril Lavigne - I Love You
- Ministry of Sound - Lost Without You
- The Bangles - In a Different Light
- Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
I'm assuming you can all guess whats been going thru my mind a lot lately by that list of tracks?
Yup, love. Or rather, thinking about wanting to be in love. Ive felt so lonely lately. And I hate it, coz I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone else. I'm good alone, ya know? But I'm surrounded by couples. In real life, on TV, on twitter/FB. Id just like to have what they have for a while, or forever, I'm not going to rule that out, coz that would be silly.
I bought the Twilight DVDs recently, and I found myself sitting there crying. Which in itself is nothing unusual, but I realised I was crying because of the relationship that I was watching (and shut up, I fricking love Twilight!), crying because Ive never had a relationship like that. That's so open and so free. I'm always hiding something, even in friendships, I can never be 100% open and honest.
I'm not saying I'm a liar, but I don't give my all. Coz if I did, and Ive probably said this before, then that gives someone else power and control, and I'm not sure I can give that up. I almost did once, and that power and control was very much abused. I'm not going to get into that now tho, as I'm pretty much out the other side of that.
But yeah, it seems my iPod shuffle is pretty tuned in to my thoughts and emotions. How bizarre.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
...
Its been a long time since I have felt loved. And I have never felt loved for who I am, just for who people think that I am.
That's my fault, because I have never given myself to anyone fully. I'm far too afraid of being hurt. If I opened myself up to someone, like I see people doing all the time, then I would give them control. I would give them the power to hurt me, and if they did, then it would essentially be my fault.
I don't know if I'm capable of doing that.
Seriously.
I just want to be loved, and be told I'm loved, and know I am. But I don't know if I can let that happen.
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