New Start.

So Ive made a decision. The last few months have been a total eye opener for me. Its been one thing after another thats gone wrong or just not gotten any better and Im tired of it. Im tired of being taken for granted or taken advantage of. Im tired of people walking all over me becuase they think they can.
I realised the other day, that Ive never actually been happy here since I moved back. Not really.
In fact, I havent been truly happy for a good few years, and that is pathetic tbh.
Sadly it has actually taken me this long to realise this, it has taken me this long to realise that I dont deserve to be miserable all the time.
I know what started me down this road and that particular person is gone out of my life now. Not as much as I would like but the hold that they had over me is now 99% broken. Unfortunately I am always going to have to have some sort of contact because of the children, but that will be where it begins and ends. Im perfectly capable of messing my life up without getting help from them!
Ive been thinking a lot lately, about my circumstances. I absolutely love this area and where I live, and Im more than happy that I did actually move back here, but I think Ive grown out of it now. There are people here that I used to be friends with, used to be the best of friends with (or so I thought) that basically have stabbed me in the back. Ive said this in a previous post, how they heard that I had said some things about them (which I hadnt) but instead of asking me if it was true, decided to believe what they heard. The way I saw it, if they were so quick to believe bad things of me, then they clearly had no respect for me in the first place so I let them go. I read a quote the other day that went something along the lines of:

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will.  So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

I couldnt agree more with this, although this person used to be like my sister, it turns out that either our friendship had just run its course, or we werent that strong in the first place. Maybe I should have fought for it, but I refuse to apologise for something I didnt do, to someone who didnt even have the guts to confront me about it. I think thats where my mind began to change about my attitude. I mean, why the hell should I go running to her? Why should I try and find out what it was I apparently said? Im not a bad friend, yeah I say things about people when they piss me off, who doesnt? But I will say that same thing to their face aswell. In fact it happened to me last week, I was told that a very good friend of mine had been talking about me to someone. So I asked her about it, turns out that my friend hadnt even seen the person that told me it, that night so couldnt possibly have been talking about me.
Now that could have messed up a problem free friendship if I had decided to keep quiet but isnt that the whole point of friends? That you can ask these things and not fall out about it? I mean, we are adults now right? I nearly said mature then, HA! As if. Meh, it just adds to my plans for my future.
Lately Ive been thinking about moving again. I dont mean finding a more suitable place nearby, I mean moving away.
I do have a couple of very good friends here, and I have just got back in touch with my old friends from the stables but I wont be going over any water this time, people could visit, I could visit them. I adore the few friends that I do have, coz they know EVERYthing, they know about the mistakes I made and the things I did that Im not proud of, and they accept me for it. They dont judge me. Coz they know that thats what they were, stupid mistakes. Everyone makes them, but its not the mistake thats important, its what you do about it afterwards. The way you deal with what you did, make the apologies where theyre needed etc.
So yeah, moving away, far away, as in right down South away. Ive been looking at Portsmouth, Bournemouth etc. Down that way. Im not sure if its just running away though, but then I have nothing left up here. I have nothing left to run away from. Not really.
I do know that if this is what I decide to do, then it wont be made easy for me. There is one person that will basically refuse to let me go. Well, refuse to let the girls go anyways. In a way I cant say Id blame him but these feelings only arise when it suits him. I mean, he left us all in the first place right? At least if I was down there, he could get the train, bus or fly even. There are options. It might give him the incentive to actually grow up a bit if he realises that he is going to need to have money to be able travel and see his children.
I dont know, I just know that I need to leave here.
Something else I need to change is looking after myself. Coz basically, I dont. Im at least 2 to 3 stone overweight, I have horrible skin and I couldnt run to the end of the road without dying. Im absolutely no role model to my children right now. I mean, they have me to look up to? Poor kids. Ill have time on my hands when I go away. Im going to set up a plan, I have plenty of iPhone apps to help me out. I have yoga podcasts and  Im not dumb! I know how to lose weight and get fit, without all these diets I keep thinking about. I have NEVER been on a fad diet, or any diet at all, in my life. Im not about to start now.

This is a WHOLE life change. Completely new me. I was 30 recently, when better to start, right? Id say wish me luck, but I dont need luck, just support and I know I will get that xx