On hold

The new start is still happening, but right now, its on hold.
My little holiday has been great for a few days but its really hitting home to me, how much I really dont want to be back here.
My mum asked me today, if I was coping ok with the kids on my own. My reply was along the lines of 'I have no choice, do I?' knowing full well what the response was going to be; 'You have, you could always move back here and let me help you. At least until I could get this place sold and we could move.'
She has no idea how much I hate it here, obviously. She still thinks that coming back here, albeit only temporarily, would be a better option than for me to stay put and struggle on. It aint never gonna happen.
I would rather be back home, and go thru all the shit I went thru, than to have stayed here and been bored out of my mind.
You know, the first few days of my time away were great. The relief of not having to check over my shoulder, not having to worry about someone rocking up on my doorstep, making demands was tangible. It has proved to me that I need to get away from my home. As much as I love it, and it will always be where my heart lies, I need to leave.
I NEED to start over. This isnt just a whim, this isnt running away. This will be me, starting my life over for the better, for the kids. No-one else.
I guess a part of me did move back home so the kids were nearer to their dad. Stupid idea on my part, he clearly doesnt and didnt appreciate the effort I made, with him in mind. Dont get me wrong, I didnt move back to be with him or anything like that, but a part of me thought it would be better for them to be around him. And maybe if he hadnt failed at life and let his 'demons' get the better of him, then I may have been right. But I cant live my life for anyone except myself and my children now. Ive been doing that long enough, every decision I have made has had an element of someone elses opinions in it. And now I need to do this for me.
My main problem with this, is that Im not entirely sure how I go about doing this. I know Im a headstrong, stubborn, (mostly) confident but incredibly shy person (yeah, I can be shy AND confident!) so having to do all of this on my own is absolutely terrifying for me.
Moving will take a lot of phone calls, visits to places, I mean who knows, I might hate it down there! Ill have to talk to people, fill in forms and ultimately, at the end of it all, Ill have to meet new people. I think this scares me most. Ill have no friends, no family and I wont know the area. Kids will be in a new school and I will have no-one but them.
Omg, what the fuck am I thinking?! Am I mental? This is coming from someone that hates people, hates meeting new people and doesnt know what to say to them when I do. I think I may have finally lost my mind!
Either that or I have had the most genius idea I have ever had.

In other news, Ive suddenly gone on a downer this afternoon and Im not entirely sure why. I think it must be a combination of boredom, knowing how upset mum will be (even though she knows I have to go at some point) when I tell her what day we're going and going back to a place that I really dont want to be. I wish I could just go straight down South and totally bypass the going home part. Like I said, I love my hometown, I just dont want to be there right now. Ive found out who my true friends are, and the people who pretended. I just dont want to be constantly looking around so as not to bump into people that I have no interest in speaking to.
I know I bitch, but if I have a problem with someone, Ill ask them to their faces. I wont bitch behind their backs with their ex and ex best mate!
Fucking pathetic. Im still bitter about this. I wish I wasnt so good at holding grudges, I think I hold them till karma has been to visit. And then I dont forgive or forget, I just move on.
I need to move on.