2010 < 2011

I thought 2010 was gonna be 'my year'. I thought I had put the past in the past and I was moving on. How wrong could I be? This last year had its share of ups and downs but the downs totally outweighed the ups. And it always boils down to the same two reasons. The common themes running throughout the majority of my posts. Its either money, or the ex.
I have plans to sort both of these things out over the next few months. I'm not going to limit myself to a strict time frame but for my own peace of mind I have to at least try and have a vague deadline.
In fact, I have plans to overhaul my whole life.
I think Ive managed to work out my budget and will be sorting out any debts I have asap, they're first priority. And once they're sorted I can hopefully actually manage to save up so I can move out of this flat and into a house with a garden, or a yard at the very least! Somewhere where the kids have space outside but they're fenced in!
I have considered moving away from my home but I'm not sure if I can actually do that yet. There are a few factors that would keep me around here but I have to weigh up a lot of things before that decision would be made.
Next on the list is a counselling course. Ive said it a load of times before but I really think that I could do this. Not to sound big-headed but I do seem to have a knack/skill for advising people well. I am a good listener, I know that, I do genuinely listen, and most of the time, I genuinely care and want to help. (Yes, I say most  of the time coz there are some people that think they have issues/problems when they really don't.) But I have to work out if I can afford to do it before I can get stuck in to that.
Another new thing on the list is to get a job. I saw an ad a few weeks back for a cleaner a few mornings a week. No, don't laugh, I know at suck at my own housework but doing it somewhere/for someone else has never been a problem for me. Probably weird but who cares. Anyways, if the hours were suitable and I could work the kids nursery around work times then that'd be a few extra quid in my pocket which would be nice.
I need to learn to drive again. I still know the basics from all the lessons I had like 10 years ago, but was unable to pass my test - well, my 4 tests but we wont talk about those. I couldn't believe the price of a provisional licence tho! Yeah so that wont be sorted until the finances are.
And there's that recurring money theme back again.
There is something else that I really hope works out well over the next few months, and of course hopefully longer. But I don't want to say too much about that until I know what it is myself. I'm enjoying it immensely though, I know that much.
I actually think that my absolute main priority is to sort out my situation with the ex once and for all. Other things will be held back because of that and I'm fed up of that happening. Not entirely sure how I'm going to go about that, all I know is that I have to get out and maybe away, once and for all. Its been just over 3 years since we broke up and we've gone through just as much in those 3 years as if we were together but made it worse coz we weren't and I am so done with it now. I think Ive done enough for him now. Hes a grown up ffs, well, in age anyways.
And I want my life back.

Peek in to my past

I already know how this post is going to end. I know the exact words I am going to use and actually already have them typed out underneath this.
I was thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about how I have turned out the way that I have. A lot of the time I think I should be a complete and utter screw up, then I remember that I kind of am. I cant hold down a relationship, yet a one night stand (in the right circumstances) wouldn't be an issue for me.
I can talk the hind leg off a donkey online, yet face to face with an actual person and I am lost for words. I mean completely. You think you're shy? You haven't seen nothing. My mouth goes dry, I suddenly lose the ability to talk, I start shaking like I have the major DTs, I feel sick to my stomach and my mind goes totally blank. Its like language has never been invented coz I have nothing in my head.
I don't appear to have the ability to say no to certain people that ask favours of me. People I don't even like.
I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared of living properly coz every time I do, things just blow up in my face. Every time things go right, something else goes incredibly wrong. So I prefer to not try.

This is the complete opposite to how I was as a teenager. I was the most confident person you could meet. Confident to the point of arrogance. I was hot, and I knew it. Yeah, I'm fully aware how big headed that sounds but that's how I was. I did exactly what and who I pleased. Yeah, I mean it exactly how it sounds there. I went out and I got any guy, or girl that I set my eye on. And I'm perfectly fine with how I was too. I had the best time of my life in those years, I enjoyed every single minute of it.
I lost my dad to cancer at a very young age. I was 14. Hes actually been gone now, more years than I was alive. I remember that I didn't cry for ages. Not even at his funeral, not really. I thought I took it pretty well but thinking back now, I probably didn't.
I wasn't interested in relationships. I didn't want the whole wining and dining and dating crap. It wasn't my thing.
Some people would say that I was some sort of slapper because I slept with a lot of guys, and that's fine if that's what they want to think, but I didn't just sleep with any guy that asked. There's the difference for me. I was careful and I had a good time. There were never feelings involved (on my part anyways) until I met this guy that Ill call Tom. He was the first guy that I actually wanted to see more than once. We only dated for a few months, (he used to wake me up by kissing my belly (the BEST way to wake me up EVER!)) and he was just generally sweet and lovely. I actually think I fell in love with him a little bit. Thing is with me, that Ive since realised, is that I fall in and out of love really quickly. So a little while after we started dating, just as it was getting serious, I ended it. I told him that I was too busy to give the relationship the proper attention that it deserved. I had no regrets afterwards. The next time I saw him, we were out at the same club. It was so funny the way I was. Every time I spotted him, I literally did a 180 and went in the other direction. He spotted me every time and caught up to me, I totally fobbed him off with the 'too upset to talk' thing that seemed to work.
Aaanyways, after that night, I didn't see him again. I did see his best mate tho. Asked after Tom coz I hadn't seen him out, he informed me that Tom had moved to Kent. And it was because of me. I was like "Whaaaaat?!" Apparently the guy was crazy about me, he couldn't stand to see me all the time so he left. This is how his best mate made it sound anyways, personally I'm convinced that there was way more to it than that but hey ho. It wasn't the last time dramatics happened when I broke up with a guy.
Another guy actually threatened to 'go hang himself', to which my reply was something along the lines of 'Ok, good luck with that'. Which sounds incredibly heartless I know, but I knew he was so full of it. (I actually regret breaking up with that guy, he was SO beautiful!)
This all went towards my ego of course. I don't think I was a complete bitch like, not all the time anyways. It just fuelled my want, if you like.
I was basically like a guy in the way I acted. Well, the stereotypical guy anyways, love em an leave em type.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this now. I want the teenage me back tho, the attitude anyways. Not necessarily the one night stands although I wouldn't be averse!
I'm so not like that anymore, but considering what happened in my earlier teenage years I'm guessing,

That was my rebellion.

Drama vs. Happiness

You know, sometimes I wonder if I do actually want to be happy.
I am fully aware of how weird that sounds, but its like I deliberately let things happen that I know are going to make me miserable. I justify it by saying that I'm helping out other people (re: unwelcome house guest) or sparing their feelings (re: not moving home for ages) and maybe that's genuinely what it is. I hope that's genuinely it of course. But sometimes I wonder if I secretly enjoy the drama so much that I deliberately sabotage myself. Or maybe I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, coz it damn well sure looks like I never will be.
This totally isn't coming out how I mean it in my head. I'm not being some sort of emo with this, not looking for attention or sympathy, I'm trying to work out why I find it so difficult to say no sometimes.
Ive said before that I'm always the person that people come to with problems, and like Ive also said, I'm absolutely fine with that, I do love helping people if I can. I want them to come to me, I want to be able to help them work out what it is they want or need, and I do so love giving them advice ;o) but I also love it as it takes my mind of mine.
I'm the kind of person that doesn't worry. My mum always said that if I was any more laid back, I'd fall over. When I had Lily, people would comment on how calm I was with her (oh how one more baby changes that!), but I don't see the point of getting worked up over things which you have no control.
When Ethan was a baby, he got really sick with bronchiolitis, yes, its a real disease, an inflammation of the bronchioles, and nearly died. He spent a couple weeks in a little oxygen tent (I have pictures somewhere, kept a little diary to try and keep my mind off things) and has since made a full recovery. But the reason I'm bringing this up is that when we took him to the doctors, my mum was practically hysterical, crying and stuff, demanding to know why I wasn't the same way. Saying things like "Why aren't you upset? Why aren't you worried?" Thing was, I was worried as hell, I was dying inside hoping that he was gonna be ok. But me getting all worked up and panicky wouldn't make him better. It wouldn't change his condition so I didn't. I comforted her and I looked after him. I did what the doctors said and he got better.
My point is, why waste time getting all stressed and worked up when that's not going to change anything?
Hmmm, this totally isn't where this post was headed when i wrote the title. I do actually wonder about myself sometimes. Why I do find it so difficult to say no.
I guess that's more of a confidence thing. Coz I actually managed it last week when I asked the HG to leave. Finally plucked up the courage to actually tell him Id had enough instead of waiting for him to be done and then pretending it was my idea.
That's a step in the right direction I guess. I just hope it continues to build this time. I was doing so well for a good while then I stupidly agreed for HG to stay again.
Hopefully Ill learn my lesson this time and say no if the situation comes up again. Its not my responsibility and I have my own life to lead.
Remind that its ok to put myself first sometimes please?

Bad day

I cant wait for today to be over. Its only 2:30pm but Ive had enough. Kids are doing my head in coz they wont give me 5 minutes to relax with a cuppa. The place is a tip but half the radiators don't work so I don't want to go and clean those rooms.
I may just about have enough money to cover my rent but that's pretty much it. I'm going to have to be SO frugal with the food that I have. It doesn't matter about me, but I have make sure that the kids are fed plenty.
Its so hard to make the little ones understand that I simply cant afford to buy more than one tin of beans at a time, or get them 5 different flavours of juice. They just don't get it, and I feel awful that I cant get them what they want.
I know its not exactly my fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
I had the boy on my own over the weekend and it would have been a perfect chance to take him to the skatepark, but with entrance fees and train fare, I simply couldn't. Hes so good about he it, so understanding but I know he gets disappointed.
I have no idea how I'm going to manage at Xmas. I'm just glad that I got the Kinect for him when I did. My mum tries to make me feel guilty about that, says that it shouldn't be that way, that he shouldn't have it early coz then he'll have nothing big on Xmas day but I don't see why it should be about one massive present anyways. Just coz that was how she did it, why should I have to be the same? The boy and I talked about it, and he understood the deal. I keep mentioning it to him so he keeps getting it, that hes already had a large part of his Xmas present, and hes ok with it. I hate the way she always thinks I'm doing it wrong.
Anyways, this isn't a mum-bashing post.
I know that all this is going to get sorted. I'm going to get  back on my feet, I'm going to fight back as I always do and we're going to be ok. We always are.
Maybe this will do us a bit of good? Ill be forced to cook proper foods and be more prepared.
Anyone who knows me knows that preparation isn't usually in my vocabulary. I DON'T plan ahead. Never have. Maybe now is the time to start doing that?
I dunno, I'm so bad at it (everyone knows that too!), I need a PA. I need someone to organise my life.
Ha, and here's me wanting to be a counsellor.
I have no idea how much sense this post makes, but I feel a little better for getting it out there.
Roll on 2011.

Mess

The title says it all. I am and I'm in such a mess right now. I can't afford to pay my rent on time. I owe Virgin. Money is missing from my bank and Ive just had the last few years thrown in my face.
He was talking again, saying how he doesn't like being the way he is, how he hates himself blah blah. So I told him, again, that if he hates it so much, he needs to get help. Instead of moaning to me, again, he needs to see someone. His response? "Stop shouting at me, I'm trying to talk to you. Youve only ever shouted at me about this." Talk about a slap in the face.
I've lost count of the amount of times I told him I would support him as long as he was getting help, the times (before) when I held him as he cried about how difficult it was. The times I went with him, to the doctors and hospitals to try and sort him out. I've let him stay under my roof. Lent him money when he's been in a bind. I've been a fucking mug for him and what thanks do I get? What appreciation? Fuck all.
He's scum. He doesn't deserve people like me in his life.
I honestly wish I'd never met him. I know if that was the case then I wouldn't have the kids, but maybe they would be better off without a father like him anyways. I say sorry to them every day, sorry that I saddled them with him. They deserve so much better.
They deserve better than him AND better than me.
I complain, a lot, about those kids but I adore them. I would do anything for them and I don't show it enough.
I can't do this anymore. I can't go through any more crap. It'd finish me off.
I'm just not strong enough.

- Posted from TB.

Whats wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong and Ill be fine. Isn't that how it works? I'm always fine right? I'm the strong one, I'm the one that everyone comes to when they have problems. I can usually sympathise or empathise. Ive been through a hell of a lot in my relatively short life. And that's ok, I don't mind talking to people about their problems. In fact i enjoy it in a way, I don't mean I enjoy that they have problems, but I enjoy helping them fix theirs. It also gives me time to pretend mine don't exist.
I can tell you now, no-one knows or has ever known, how much I have actually been through. The issues I have had to face and the obstacles that I have had to drag myself over. Ive done so with a carefree, nothing-phases-me attitude. I could go through the most difficult thing and still pretend that I'm handling it just fine.
Newsflash: I don't. Ive never handled things well. I have the scars to prove it. Not just physical ones but mental ones too.
I may be 30 years old, with 3 beautiful children, but I don't have anyone, and never have had anyone close enough to me that KNOWS me. A few people think they have, but they have only known the person that i have let them know. I'm incapable of letting anyone get that near to me that they have the power to hurt me.
One person has come close, and the pain I feel now because of that is sometimes unbearable. Its like I'm still going thru these things coz it wont just leave me alone.
They frustrate me and anger me so much that I only have one way to release it. Even now, when they talk to me, or argue with me, I get so wound up that i sit and scratch my arm raw and I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm on my own again and I notice that my arm hurts.
And then I hate myself for giving them that power even though they don't know it.
And this is why I can't let anyone get close to me again.
Problem is, I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight this. There comes a point where I want to just say 'Fine, fuck it. Take what you want. Don't worry about me, Ill be fine ... ', except that this time I wouldn't be. How many times can I get knocked down before I eventually stay there? I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to it now.
I think I only have one final push left.
This probably doesn't make much sense I know. But I never know how to word these things without giving things away.
Coz no-one will ever know the amount of things that I have gone thru and am still going thru that have made me the person that I am today. And believe me, you never will. Its too hard.
You don't deserve to.

Mistaken

I thought we were over this. I thought we had moved on.
Why do you hate me so much, that you're not actually done ruining my life?
What was it that I did, to make you fight so hard to destroy me?
Just, leave me alone.
Please.

- Posted from TB.