2010 < 2011

I thought 2010 was gonna be 'my year'. I thought I had put the past in the past and I was moving on. How wrong could I be? This last year had its share of ups and downs but the downs totally outweighed the ups. And it always boils down to the same two reasons. The common themes running throughout the majority of my posts. Its either money, or the ex.
I have plans to sort both of these things out over the next few months. I'm not going to limit myself to a strict time frame but for my own peace of mind I have to at least try and have a vague deadline.
In fact, I have plans to overhaul my whole life.
I think Ive managed to work out my budget and will be sorting out any debts I have asap, they're first priority. And once they're sorted I can hopefully actually manage to save up so I can move out of this flat and into a house with a garden, or a yard at the very least! Somewhere where the kids have space outside but they're fenced in!
I have considered moving away from my home but I'm not sure if I can actually do that yet. There are a few factors that would keep me around here but I have to weigh up a lot of things before that decision would be made.
Next on the list is a counselling course. Ive said it a load of times before but I really think that I could do this. Not to sound big-headed but I do seem to have a knack/skill for advising people well. I am a good listener, I know that, I do genuinely listen, and most of the time, I genuinely care and want to help. (Yes, I say most  of the time coz there are some people that think they have issues/problems when they really don't.) But I have to work out if I can afford to do it before I can get stuck in to that.
Another new thing on the list is to get a job. I saw an ad a few weeks back for a cleaner a few mornings a week. No, don't laugh, I know at suck at my own housework but doing it somewhere/for someone else has never been a problem for me. Probably weird but who cares. Anyways, if the hours were suitable and I could work the kids nursery around work times then that'd be a few extra quid in my pocket which would be nice.
I need to learn to drive again. I still know the basics from all the lessons I had like 10 years ago, but was unable to pass my test - well, my 4 tests but we wont talk about those. I couldn't believe the price of a provisional licence tho! Yeah so that wont be sorted until the finances are.
And there's that recurring money theme back again.
There is something else that I really hope works out well over the next few months, and of course hopefully longer. But I don't want to say too much about that until I know what it is myself. I'm enjoying it immensely though, I know that much.
I actually think that my absolute main priority is to sort out my situation with the ex once and for all. Other things will be held back because of that and I'm fed up of that happening. Not entirely sure how I'm going to go about that, all I know is that I have to get out and maybe away, once and for all. Its been just over 3 years since we broke up and we've gone through just as much in those 3 years as if we were together but made it worse coz we weren't and I am so done with it now. I think Ive done enough for him now. Hes a grown up ffs, well, in age anyways.
And I want my life back.

Peek in to my past

I already know how this post is going to end. I know the exact words I am going to use and actually already have them typed out underneath this.
I was thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about how I have turned out the way that I have. A lot of the time I think I should be a complete and utter screw up, then I remember that I kind of am. I cant hold down a relationship, yet a one night stand (in the right circumstances) wouldn't be an issue for me.
I can talk the hind leg off a donkey online, yet face to face with an actual person and I am lost for words. I mean completely. You think you're shy? You haven't seen nothing. My mouth goes dry, I suddenly lose the ability to talk, I start shaking like I have the major DTs, I feel sick to my stomach and my mind goes totally blank. Its like language has never been invented coz I have nothing in my head.
I don't appear to have the ability to say no to certain people that ask favours of me. People I don't even like.
I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared of living properly coz every time I do, things just blow up in my face. Every time things go right, something else goes incredibly wrong. So I prefer to not try.

This is the complete opposite to how I was as a teenager. I was the most confident person you could meet. Confident to the point of arrogance. I was hot, and I knew it. Yeah, I'm fully aware how big headed that sounds but that's how I was. I did exactly what and who I pleased. Yeah, I mean it exactly how it sounds there. I went out and I got any guy, or girl that I set my eye on. And I'm perfectly fine with how I was too. I had the best time of my life in those years, I enjoyed every single minute of it.
I lost my dad to cancer at a very young age. I was 14. Hes actually been gone now, more years than I was alive. I remember that I didn't cry for ages. Not even at his funeral, not really. I thought I took it pretty well but thinking back now, I probably didn't.
I wasn't interested in relationships. I didn't want the whole wining and dining and dating crap. It wasn't my thing.
Some people would say that I was some sort of slapper because I slept with a lot of guys, and that's fine if that's what they want to think, but I didn't just sleep with any guy that asked. There's the difference for me. I was careful and I had a good time. There were never feelings involved (on my part anyways) until I met this guy that Ill call Tom. He was the first guy that I actually wanted to see more than once. We only dated for a few months, (he used to wake me up by kissing my belly (the BEST way to wake me up EVER!)) and he was just generally sweet and lovely. I actually think I fell in love with him a little bit. Thing is with me, that Ive since realised, is that I fall in and out of love really quickly. So a little while after we started dating, just as it was getting serious, I ended it. I told him that I was too busy to give the relationship the proper attention that it deserved. I had no regrets afterwards. The next time I saw him, we were out at the same club. It was so funny the way I was. Every time I spotted him, I literally did a 180 and went in the other direction. He spotted me every time and caught up to me, I totally fobbed him off with the 'too upset to talk' thing that seemed to work.
Aaanyways, after that night, I didn't see him again. I did see his best mate tho. Asked after Tom coz I hadn't seen him out, he informed me that Tom had moved to Kent. And it was because of me. I was like "Whaaaaat?!" Apparently the guy was crazy about me, he couldn't stand to see me all the time so he left. This is how his best mate made it sound anyways, personally I'm convinced that there was way more to it than that but hey ho. It wasn't the last time dramatics happened when I broke up with a guy.
Another guy actually threatened to 'go hang himself', to which my reply was something along the lines of 'Ok, good luck with that'. Which sounds incredibly heartless I know, but I knew he was so full of it. (I actually regret breaking up with that guy, he was SO beautiful!)
This all went towards my ego of course. I don't think I was a complete bitch like, not all the time anyways. It just fuelled my want, if you like.
I was basically like a guy in the way I acted. Well, the stereotypical guy anyways, love em an leave em type.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this now. I want the teenage me back tho, the attitude anyways. Not necessarily the one night stands although I wouldn't be averse!
I'm so not like that anymore, but considering what happened in my earlier teenage years I'm guessing,

That was my rebellion.

Drama vs. Happiness

You know, sometimes I wonder if I do actually want to be happy.
I am fully aware of how weird that sounds, but its like I deliberately let things happen that I know are going to make me miserable. I justify it by saying that I'm helping out other people (re: unwelcome house guest) or sparing their feelings (re: not moving home for ages) and maybe that's genuinely what it is. I hope that's genuinely it of course. But sometimes I wonder if I secretly enjoy the drama so much that I deliberately sabotage myself. Or maybe I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, coz it damn well sure looks like I never will be.
This totally isn't coming out how I mean it in my head. I'm not being some sort of emo with this, not looking for attention or sympathy, I'm trying to work out why I find it so difficult to say no sometimes.
Ive said before that I'm always the person that people come to with problems, and like Ive also said, I'm absolutely fine with that, I do love helping people if I can. I want them to come to me, I want to be able to help them work out what it is they want or need, and I do so love giving them advice ;o) but I also love it as it takes my mind of mine.
I'm the kind of person that doesn't worry. My mum always said that if I was any more laid back, I'd fall over. When I had Lily, people would comment on how calm I was with her (oh how one more baby changes that!), but I don't see the point of getting worked up over things which you have no control.
When Ethan was a baby, he got really sick with bronchiolitis, yes, its a real disease, an inflammation of the bronchioles, and nearly died. He spent a couple weeks in a little oxygen tent (I have pictures somewhere, kept a little diary to try and keep my mind off things) and has since made a full recovery. But the reason I'm bringing this up is that when we took him to the doctors, my mum was practically hysterical, crying and stuff, demanding to know why I wasn't the same way. Saying things like "Why aren't you upset? Why aren't you worried?" Thing was, I was worried as hell, I was dying inside hoping that he was gonna be ok. But me getting all worked up and panicky wouldn't make him better. It wouldn't change his condition so I didn't. I comforted her and I looked after him. I did what the doctors said and he got better.
My point is, why waste time getting all stressed and worked up when that's not going to change anything?
Hmmm, this totally isn't where this post was headed when i wrote the title. I do actually wonder about myself sometimes. Why I do find it so difficult to say no.
I guess that's more of a confidence thing. Coz I actually managed it last week when I asked the HG to leave. Finally plucked up the courage to actually tell him Id had enough instead of waiting for him to be done and then pretending it was my idea.
That's a step in the right direction I guess. I just hope it continues to build this time. I was doing so well for a good while then I stupidly agreed for HG to stay again.
Hopefully Ill learn my lesson this time and say no if the situation comes up again. Its not my responsibility and I have my own life to lead.
Remind that its ok to put myself first sometimes please?

Bad day

I cant wait for today to be over. Its only 2:30pm but Ive had enough. Kids are doing my head in coz they wont give me 5 minutes to relax with a cuppa. The place is a tip but half the radiators don't work so I don't want to go and clean those rooms.
I may just about have enough money to cover my rent but that's pretty much it. I'm going to have to be SO frugal with the food that I have. It doesn't matter about me, but I have make sure that the kids are fed plenty.
Its so hard to make the little ones understand that I simply cant afford to buy more than one tin of beans at a time, or get them 5 different flavours of juice. They just don't get it, and I feel awful that I cant get them what they want.
I know its not exactly my fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
I had the boy on my own over the weekend and it would have been a perfect chance to take him to the skatepark, but with entrance fees and train fare, I simply couldn't. Hes so good about he it, so understanding but I know he gets disappointed.
I have no idea how I'm going to manage at Xmas. I'm just glad that I got the Kinect for him when I did. My mum tries to make me feel guilty about that, says that it shouldn't be that way, that he shouldn't have it early coz then he'll have nothing big on Xmas day but I don't see why it should be about one massive present anyways. Just coz that was how she did it, why should I have to be the same? The boy and I talked about it, and he understood the deal. I keep mentioning it to him so he keeps getting it, that hes already had a large part of his Xmas present, and hes ok with it. I hate the way she always thinks I'm doing it wrong.
Anyways, this isn't a mum-bashing post.
I know that all this is going to get sorted. I'm going to get  back on my feet, I'm going to fight back as I always do and we're going to be ok. We always are.
Maybe this will do us a bit of good? Ill be forced to cook proper foods and be more prepared.
Anyone who knows me knows that preparation isn't usually in my vocabulary. I DON'T plan ahead. Never have. Maybe now is the time to start doing that?
I dunno, I'm so bad at it (everyone knows that too!), I need a PA. I need someone to organise my life.
Ha, and here's me wanting to be a counsellor.
I have no idea how much sense this post makes, but I feel a little better for getting it out there.
Roll on 2011.

Mess

The title says it all. I am and I'm in such a mess right now. I can't afford to pay my rent on time. I owe Virgin. Money is missing from my bank and Ive just had the last few years thrown in my face.
He was talking again, saying how he doesn't like being the way he is, how he hates himself blah blah. So I told him, again, that if he hates it so much, he needs to get help. Instead of moaning to me, again, he needs to see someone. His response? "Stop shouting at me, I'm trying to talk to you. Youve only ever shouted at me about this." Talk about a slap in the face.
I've lost count of the amount of times I told him I would support him as long as he was getting help, the times (before) when I held him as he cried about how difficult it was. The times I went with him, to the doctors and hospitals to try and sort him out. I've let him stay under my roof. Lent him money when he's been in a bind. I've been a fucking mug for him and what thanks do I get? What appreciation? Fuck all.
He's scum. He doesn't deserve people like me in his life.
I honestly wish I'd never met him. I know if that was the case then I wouldn't have the kids, but maybe they would be better off without a father like him anyways. I say sorry to them every day, sorry that I saddled them with him. They deserve so much better.
They deserve better than him AND better than me.
I complain, a lot, about those kids but I adore them. I would do anything for them and I don't show it enough.
I can't do this anymore. I can't go through any more crap. It'd finish me off.
I'm just not strong enough.

- Posted from TB.

Whats wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong and Ill be fine. Isn't that how it works? I'm always fine right? I'm the strong one, I'm the one that everyone comes to when they have problems. I can usually sympathise or empathise. Ive been through a hell of a lot in my relatively short life. And that's ok, I don't mind talking to people about their problems. In fact i enjoy it in a way, I don't mean I enjoy that they have problems, but I enjoy helping them fix theirs. It also gives me time to pretend mine don't exist.
I can tell you now, no-one knows or has ever known, how much I have actually been through. The issues I have had to face and the obstacles that I have had to drag myself over. Ive done so with a carefree, nothing-phases-me attitude. I could go through the most difficult thing and still pretend that I'm handling it just fine.
Newsflash: I don't. Ive never handled things well. I have the scars to prove it. Not just physical ones but mental ones too.
I may be 30 years old, with 3 beautiful children, but I don't have anyone, and never have had anyone close enough to me that KNOWS me. A few people think they have, but they have only known the person that i have let them know. I'm incapable of letting anyone get that near to me that they have the power to hurt me.
One person has come close, and the pain I feel now because of that is sometimes unbearable. Its like I'm still going thru these things coz it wont just leave me alone.
They frustrate me and anger me so much that I only have one way to release it. Even now, when they talk to me, or argue with me, I get so wound up that i sit and scratch my arm raw and I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm on my own again and I notice that my arm hurts.
And then I hate myself for giving them that power even though they don't know it.
And this is why I can't let anyone get close to me again.
Problem is, I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight this. There comes a point where I want to just say 'Fine, fuck it. Take what you want. Don't worry about me, Ill be fine ... ', except that this time I wouldn't be. How many times can I get knocked down before I eventually stay there? I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to it now.
I think I only have one final push left.
This probably doesn't make much sense I know. But I never know how to word these things without giving things away.
Coz no-one will ever know the amount of things that I have gone thru and am still going thru that have made me the person that I am today. And believe me, you never will. Its too hard.
You don't deserve to.

Mistaken

I thought we were over this. I thought we had moved on.
Why do you hate me so much, that you're not actually done ruining my life?
What was it that I did, to make you fight so hard to destroy me?
Just, leave me alone.
Please.

- Posted from TB.

Gone, but never forgotten

16 years ago today, my dad died. He had skin cancer, a malignant melanoma. I dont know exactly how long he was ill for before he died as him and my mum decided to keep it from me and my brother as long as they could.
I wish they hadn't but I understand that they were trying to protect us. But it was something that we couldn't be protected from in the end.
I don't recall being told, I just remember realising at some point that Dad was sick. Not manflu, or a long term illness that he would eventually shake off but actually, properly sick.
I only have a few memories from around that time, he was in bed a lot. I went and sat with him and we talked like we used to. I sat on his bed (he slept on the left, like I do now.) and we talked. I picked up his hand and held it in mine. Realising how much skinnier it was than my little 14 year old hand. There were little brown marks on it, like age spots but my Dad was only 40. I traced each one with my thumb as I started to understand what they were, what they meant. I took a deep breath, and knew even then that I couldn't waste my time with him by crying. So we still talked. I spoke to him like it was normal. Told him about my day at school, how good I was at reading, just like he was. We talked about my horse-riding, how much I loved it. He tried so hard to talk normally back to me, but he could see how much I was struggling to keep calm so he said he was tired and needed to sleep. I left him to get some rest.
My next memory was after he had gone to the hospital. The Marie Curie Centre. I refused to see him. I didn't want to forget the way he was, the way he had been all my life.
My mum persuaded me to go. I reluctantly agreed. We walked into his room and there was my dad but about 20 years older. He was like a shell. So incredibly thin, his skin looked like paper, like he might break if he moved. My brother tried to speak, he tried so hard but I could see it was killing him coz it was killing me too. I locked myself in the bathroom because I didn't want my Dad to see me cry. I stayed in there for 5 minutes and I cried like I had never cried before. Then after 5 minutes I stopped, just like that. I cleaned my face and I took a deep breath and I went back to my Dads room and sat on his bed. I took hold of his hand and I talked. I told him everything that I could think of and then when I realised that he couldnt speak anymore, I answered for him too. We sort of conversed, I talked and talked and he answered with his eyes, little squeezes to my hand. I have no idea how long I sat there. It might have been 10 minutes, it might have been an hour but I noticed how exhausted he had become so I wrapped it up with an 'I love you.' He mouthed the words back to me. We left then, one last glance back towards him as he lay back and closed his eyes.
I never saw him again.
He died that night.
I am so grateful that I went that one last time.
I don't remember what he looked like lying in that hospital bed and I am thankful for that because all that was left of my Dad was in his eyes. But his eyes were so full of pain that in a way, I was relieved. He was out of pain, and he never deserved any pain.
I loved you then and I love you now just as much, maybe more.
I will never get over the fact that your grandchildren will never meet you, you will never walk me down the aisle. But I know you are watching and I hope that you can be proud of me one day. As proud as I am of you.
I miss you. I will never, ever forget you Dad.
I love you, R.I.P. xx

- Posted from TB.

Neverending ...

Excuse me for this, but FOR FUCK SAKES!

Ugh, I am so annoyed right now. Why is it, just as I think that everything is on track and I start making plans, something comes along to fuck it up? People keep telling me that I deserve better and stuff, but would someone like to inform fate, or destiny or whatever the fuck it is, of that?

I moved home May 2009, altogether it took over 18 months for monies to be sorted. I thought that this month was the first month that I could actually make plans and manage my finances but no. I didn't get money that i was supposed to this month, so I phone up to find out whats going on, to be told that someone else (and they cant  tell me who) has tried to pass my kids off as their own so they have stop my money for up to 3 months while they look in to it. My kids live with me ffs, I complain about them often enough. Why would I make that up?!

There is nothing I can do either. I mean, the two guys I spoke to were more than helpful but there is only so much they can do. They don't have details (or if they do, they're not allowed to tell me) so for all they know, I could be the one making a fraudulent claim. 

The ONLY way that i can look at this, is that once its sorted and they realise that the kids are here, is that Ill struggle now but Ill get a bit of lump sum around Xmas time. Catalogue payoffs here I come!

I absolutely hate having to rely on this money but I do. That's basic fact. And losing that amount, without warning, the day before I go to Ireland totally worries me. 

Its not just now, I have a bit of a buffer to cover this. I may have to delay the boys early Christmas present but rent is more important (I suppose). But the next two months as well. 

Looks like its the starvation diet for me then.

Silver lining an all that I guess.

Ready.

I'll take that knight in shining armour now. Whenever you're ready.
Rescue me please.


- Posted from TB.

Jinxed

Its like tempting fate. I write up a post to say how happy I am and them something happens to bring me down again. Its as if I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm not supposed to enjoy my life and what Ive worked and struggled for.
I woke up to texts again this morning. They don't bother me like they used to but they still serve to set me on edge for the day. I keep thinking 'these things are sent to try us.' and all that, but how much more crap do I have to go through before its all over? I'm not on edge like I used to be but I still have to think things through a lot more than most people would, have to think of the consequences that what I do will bring. I'm not talking anything crazy like, but ordinary, everyday decisions that most people could make without thinking twice about it. I have to weigh up the reaction to my decisions when I really shouldn't have to. And I know I shouldn't and I know that I should do what I want and not give it a second thought, but when you've been doing that for the best (worst?) part of ten years, its a hard habit to get out of.
I think I'm getting there, but there is still that fear ya know? Its more of a fear of the unknown, a fear of what might happen, whether it will be a repeat of things past or whether it would be something entirely different. I'm getting there, I know that. Very slowly but I *am* getting there.
I wish I had more support, not family as such (as much as I love them, they're not supportive as they just hate.) but more of a social network. The only way this is going to happen is if I push for it. In fact, I have literally just sent a text to an old friend that Ive been trying to catch up with for ages, inviting her for coffee.
I am not going to let him beat me. I cant. I spent enough time basically doing everything I could for him and the kids. The kids I don't mind, but I have to break the hold.
I have to. I have no choice if I want to move on at all.
Id still quite like someone to come rescue me.

Catch up

Hey hey. Well now, it *has* been a while hasn't it? I feel so much has happened since I posted last. Most of it good too.
Its weird, I almost don't feel like posting when I'm happy, as if this blog is purely for miserable, depressing rants about how shit my life is.Which is basically what it has been since it started. Its been terribly therapeutic too. But I think now is the time for me to start posting the happy instead of just feeling it.
Lets see, first things first an all that, I think I am 90% free. I'm feeling the most independent and single than I have for the last 10 years. I make my own decisions without having to consult someone first. I can walk round my flat naked if I want to and not care about who might come out of a room at the wrong time. I feel happy. (Mostly) Truly happy for the fist time in about 8 years.
And honestly? I don't know what the fuck to do with it. I don't know how to be happy anymore! I am fully aware how sad and pathetic that sounds, and that I should just accept the happy and get on with it. BUT, I mean, I don't know where to direct it. At the moment I'm all about bouncing round the place, singing and dancing to myself, I love it. I'm constantly laughing at some joke I make to myself and then laughing at myself for being an idiot. I want to share it, I want to make someone else feel happy too. I want to dance around and laugh and joke with other people.
That's my task for this week, I HAVE to get back in touch with a couple of old mates, Ive put it off and procrastinated because Ive been nervous. Nervous of what they will think when we meet up again, nervous of what I will say, even though I have seen them for about 10 years and have plenty of stuff that we can talk about and nervous about what they will think of me. As you know, I haven't had the best experience with 'friends' recently and i know that all people are different and these girls are friends that I made coz I wanted to, not because they were family of people that I was sharing my life with at the time. So it should be easier and I really shouldn't have anything to worry about, but I do. So yes, that will be my task for this week.
Hmm, what else has gone on? Well, there is something, but I don't actually want to talk about that just yet. Don't want to tempt fate or make an arse of myself by getting the wrong end of the stick or what. I'm not sure if the person involved reads this so I think Id be better off saying nothing for now, sorry for the crypticness but its (hopefully) a good thing.
There isn't really much else that I can think of for now. See what i mean about not having much to say when I'm happy?
I'm gonna leave it there coz I got shit to do. I do plan on making more happy happy joy joy posts but when my brain is working a little better.

Oh, Sundays still suck.

Defeated.

I think I've finally accepted that things will never work out the way I think I want them to.
For some reason I seem to not be allowed to be happy. Every time I think that things are going well, something happens to knock me back down again.
It's not always massive, not always a major issue but little things are enough these days.
A weird text off someone, or no texts at all off someone else just manage to start me heading down on one of my moods.
I hate being like this. I hate being a miserable cow that complains all the damn time.
I try and be happy, I really do. But frustrations and being constantly let down take their toll.
I need a break from my life but that ain't gonna happen any time soon. I have no support, no network of friends anymore. They all apparently chose the side that isn't mine, even tho they told me a billion times that it wasn't me that was in the wrong.
I guess loyalty wins out over anything in the end. It's ok, I get it. You can forget that the last 4/5 years ever happened.
Lucky you.
I wish I could. But it slaps me in the face every time I open my eyes. This is my reality. I can't pretend it never happened coz I wouldn't be in this situation if it hadn't.
Thanks for being my friends ... oh wait, you're not anymore. You're his. I'm alone.

It doesn't take much to knock someone down that is already on the floor but thanks for putting the effort in.
Can you leave me alone now please?


- Posted from T.

I dont know ...

I'm having a major crisis of confidence. The things my mum has said to me over the last couple of days, about me not being happy and not being able to cope, have knocked me quite a bit.
I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if I AM coping ok. My daughter is a nightmare of a child at times, but the next second she does the sweetest things.
I'm not a natural parent, Ive never felt maternal, I never even wanted children. I know that sounds bad, but it was never in my grand plans for my life. It just happened. I never, ever thought i would be a single mum of 3 kids at this age.
But I am, and even though Ive been a mum for 9 years, I still don't seem to have totally gotten my head around it. I don't know if what I do is right. I don't know, when they do something they have been told a billion times not to do, if i should shout, put them on the 'naughty step', ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good? And then I have my own childhood experiences to think of, the way my mum and dad treated me. But I was never a bad kid, not really. I'm just so confused.
This is really, really hard. I have to be everything to these kids. I have to be the one that tells one off and comforts the other when they fight. The jealousy they hold for each other is sometimes palpable and I feel like I fuel that by hugging the one that's hurt and telling off the one that's hit.
I'm hoping that things do begin to get sorted this week, if I don't get some semblance of a life back for myself, i am going to literally go crazy and then Ill be of  no use to anyone.
Don't get  me wrong, I adore my children and I would die for them, but I need to have time for me too. I'm don't think of that as selfish. I'm just not one of these women who's life revolves around the 'little angels that can do no wrong'.
I wont take my kids out for food or to a restaurant because of the behaviour of the little one, she gets fed up sitting down so long (and who can blame her really) and gets agitated if i try and force her, then come the screams and then that's no fun for anyone. Hopefully she will grow out of it, but for now, we're limited with places we can go.
Maybe I have a touch of cabin fever, I don't know. I just know that I need some time off. I need to recharge my batteries. I need a break away from everything I know here. I need to go somewhere that I have never been, where no-one knows me and no-one can judge me. Coz they do here, people hear rumours and of course choose to believe what they like. It doesn't matter what the truth is.
I need to get away from that, even if only a short while.
Someone rescue me?

Sunday ...

I hate Sundays. I really do. Sundays are designed for lazy days with the bf and/or a big gang of mates. Having a laugh, watching DVD's, maybe a few drinks. Kids running round without a care in the world. One of those days were you go to bed with aching muscles from laughing so much.
Sundays used to be about competitions for me, before I had the kids. I used to compete show-jumping and helped out with my bosses horses too. So Id be up at the crack of dawn, bathing horses that were so big I had to stand on a stool to wash their backs, and I loved it. I love the camaraderie that came along with the job. You would see the same people every weekend, compete against the same riders. Drink with the same guys and girls after you're time was all over.
That was what I thought I was going to carry on doing with my life. I wanted to run my own yard, then every day would have been filled with something to do. Something to concentrate and work hard at.
I think Ive been lost since I left there, there hasn't really been anything else that I have wanted to do. I tried, Ive been to college a couple of times now, but it hasn't held my interest like the horses did.
I know I have to let this go because it is not something that I would be able to get into again, not with having the kids. Running a yard is more than a full-time job and I just wouldn't be able to split myself between that and my kids.
So I have to figure out what it is that I want to work at, what I want to dedicate some of my spare time (HA! Whats that then?!) to. I have an idea of pursuing this psychology course, I think that its something that I will be interested in. Something that I will be able to go on and do more with afterwards. So yeah, that's where I'm going to start anyways. No harm in trying right?

Aaaanyways, back to my Sunday thing. I know that the only way I can make them any better is to sort it myself, but I just don't know where to start. I don't really have that many friends here, and only 1 of them has kids. Obviously I don't have a bf so cant spend lazy Sundays with them.
Basically, I think Sundays are rubbish if you're alone. Which I essentially am, thanks to events over the last year or so.
I think a change may be starting this week tho, I'm meeting the ex to discuss things. I'm not going to mention moving yet, it'll be a while before I can even think about doing that so no point rocking the boat too soon. Ill be happy with us deciding which parent is having the kids which days. I just want things organised so I can try to make a start organising myself.
I'm not happy and I'm the only person that can change it. I'm not happy with a lot of things and I'm pretty fed up of being depressed about it. I guess its time for action.
As Ive probably said before, wish me luck.

Sundays still suck though.

On hold

The new start is still happening, but right now, its on hold.
My little holiday has been great for a few days but its really hitting home to me, how much I really dont want to be back here.
My mum asked me today, if I was coping ok with the kids on my own. My reply was along the lines of 'I have no choice, do I?' knowing full well what the response was going to be; 'You have, you could always move back here and let me help you. At least until I could get this place sold and we could move.'
She has no idea how much I hate it here, obviously. She still thinks that coming back here, albeit only temporarily, would be a better option than for me to stay put and struggle on. It aint never gonna happen.
I would rather be back home, and go thru all the shit I went thru, than to have stayed here and been bored out of my mind.
You know, the first few days of my time away were great. The relief of not having to check over my shoulder, not having to worry about someone rocking up on my doorstep, making demands was tangible. It has proved to me that I need to get away from my home. As much as I love it, and it will always be where my heart lies, I need to leave.
I NEED to start over. This isnt just a whim, this isnt running away. This will be me, starting my life over for the better, for the kids. No-one else.
I guess a part of me did move back home so the kids were nearer to their dad. Stupid idea on my part, he clearly doesnt and didnt appreciate the effort I made, with him in mind. Dont get me wrong, I didnt move back to be with him or anything like that, but a part of me thought it would be better for them to be around him. And maybe if he hadnt failed at life and let his 'demons' get the better of him, then I may have been right. But I cant live my life for anyone except myself and my children now. Ive been doing that long enough, every decision I have made has had an element of someone elses opinions in it. And now I need to do this for me.
My main problem with this, is that Im not entirely sure how I go about doing this. I know Im a headstrong, stubborn, (mostly) confident but incredibly shy person (yeah, I can be shy AND confident!) so having to do all of this on my own is absolutely terrifying for me.
Moving will take a lot of phone calls, visits to places, I mean who knows, I might hate it down there! Ill have to talk to people, fill in forms and ultimately, at the end of it all, Ill have to meet new people. I think this scares me most. Ill have no friends, no family and I wont know the area. Kids will be in a new school and I will have no-one but them.
Omg, what the fuck am I thinking?! Am I mental? This is coming from someone that hates people, hates meeting new people and doesnt know what to say to them when I do. I think I may have finally lost my mind!
Either that or I have had the most genius idea I have ever had.

In other news, Ive suddenly gone on a downer this afternoon and Im not entirely sure why. I think it must be a combination of boredom, knowing how upset mum will be (even though she knows I have to go at some point) when I tell her what day we're going and going back to a place that I really dont want to be. I wish I could just go straight down South and totally bypass the going home part. Like I said, I love my hometown, I just dont want to be there right now. Ive found out who my true friends are, and the people who pretended. I just dont want to be constantly looking around so as not to bump into people that I have no interest in speaking to.
I know I bitch, but if I have a problem with someone, Ill ask them to their faces. I wont bitch behind their backs with their ex and ex best mate!
Fucking pathetic. Im still bitter about this. I wish I wasnt so good at holding grudges, I think I hold them till karma has been to visit. And then I dont forgive or forget, I just move on.
I need to move on.

New Start.

So Ive made a decision. The last few months have been a total eye opener for me. Its been one thing after another thats gone wrong or just not gotten any better and Im tired of it. Im tired of being taken for granted or taken advantage of. Im tired of people walking all over me becuase they think they can.
I realised the other day, that Ive never actually been happy here since I moved back. Not really.
In fact, I havent been truly happy for a good few years, and that is pathetic tbh.
Sadly it has actually taken me this long to realise this, it has taken me this long to realise that I dont deserve to be miserable all the time.
I know what started me down this road and that particular person is gone out of my life now. Not as much as I would like but the hold that they had over me is now 99% broken. Unfortunately I am always going to have to have some sort of contact because of the children, but that will be where it begins and ends. Im perfectly capable of messing my life up without getting help from them!
Ive been thinking a lot lately, about my circumstances. I absolutely love this area and where I live, and Im more than happy that I did actually move back here, but I think Ive grown out of it now. There are people here that I used to be friends with, used to be the best of friends with (or so I thought) that basically have stabbed me in the back. Ive said this in a previous post, how they heard that I had said some things about them (which I hadnt) but instead of asking me if it was true, decided to believe what they heard. The way I saw it, if they were so quick to believe bad things of me, then they clearly had no respect for me in the first place so I let them go. I read a quote the other day that went something along the lines of:

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will.  So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

I couldnt agree more with this, although this person used to be like my sister, it turns out that either our friendship had just run its course, or we werent that strong in the first place. Maybe I should have fought for it, but I refuse to apologise for something I didnt do, to someone who didnt even have the guts to confront me about it. I think thats where my mind began to change about my attitude. I mean, why the hell should I go running to her? Why should I try and find out what it was I apparently said? Im not a bad friend, yeah I say things about people when they piss me off, who doesnt? But I will say that same thing to their face aswell. In fact it happened to me last week, I was told that a very good friend of mine had been talking about me to someone. So I asked her about it, turns out that my friend hadnt even seen the person that told me it, that night so couldnt possibly have been talking about me.
Now that could have messed up a problem free friendship if I had decided to keep quiet but isnt that the whole point of friends? That you can ask these things and not fall out about it? I mean, we are adults now right? I nearly said mature then, HA! As if. Meh, it just adds to my plans for my future.
Lately Ive been thinking about moving again. I dont mean finding a more suitable place nearby, I mean moving away.
I do have a couple of very good friends here, and I have just got back in touch with my old friends from the stables but I wont be going over any water this time, people could visit, I could visit them. I adore the few friends that I do have, coz they know EVERYthing, they know about the mistakes I made and the things I did that Im not proud of, and they accept me for it. They dont judge me. Coz they know that thats what they were, stupid mistakes. Everyone makes them, but its not the mistake thats important, its what you do about it afterwards. The way you deal with what you did, make the apologies where theyre needed etc.
So yeah, moving away, far away, as in right down South away. Ive been looking at Portsmouth, Bournemouth etc. Down that way. Im not sure if its just running away though, but then I have nothing left up here. I have nothing left to run away from. Not really.
I do know that if this is what I decide to do, then it wont be made easy for me. There is one person that will basically refuse to let me go. Well, refuse to let the girls go anyways. In a way I cant say Id blame him but these feelings only arise when it suits him. I mean, he left us all in the first place right? At least if I was down there, he could get the train, bus or fly even. There are options. It might give him the incentive to actually grow up a bit if he realises that he is going to need to have money to be able travel and see his children.
I dont know, I just know that I need to leave here.
Something else I need to change is looking after myself. Coz basically, I dont. Im at least 2 to 3 stone overweight, I have horrible skin and I couldnt run to the end of the road without dying. Im absolutely no role model to my children right now. I mean, they have me to look up to? Poor kids. Ill have time on my hands when I go away. Im going to set up a plan, I have plenty of iPhone apps to help me out. I have yoga podcasts and  Im not dumb! I know how to lose weight and get fit, without all these diets I keep thinking about. I have NEVER been on a fad diet, or any diet at all, in my life. Im not about to start now.

This is a WHOLE life change. Completely new me. I was 30 recently, when better to start, right? Id say wish me luck, but I dont need luck, just support and I know I will get that xx

Stupid

I did something I didn't think I'd do again. I hate that it made me feel better. Gave me something to concentrate on. I hate me.

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Jinx

I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Things have been going better for me for about a week or so. So I blogged about it.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
4:30am I get a phone call from the ex. If he wasn't looking after our daughter, I'd have ignored it. So I get greeted with a demand to know if I'd slept with someones bf recently. (Now this refers to something that happened months and months ago so wasn't totally out of the blue).
Of course I haven't, so I ask him why, and he tells me that he had just recieved 3 phone calls from someone, first one saying his gf had slept with someone else, he says he hasn't got one and hangs up. Second call saying his gf is a slapper and apparently third one saying that I (using my name) had slept with her (using her name) boyfriend. So of course he has to phone me straight away, wake me up and proceed to rant and rave about how awful this is, that the phone had just woken the daughter up.
It took me about half an hour to try and calm him down, and try and get him to put it in perspective coz he wanted to go out and cause a fight.
He kept hanging up on me so I kept having to phone him back and make sure he wasn't being an idiot. That's how he handles shit, fight first (or threaten to at least) ask questions later.
It's so pathetic, the fact that this person called HIM, when none of this has anything to do with him. And the fact they even called in the first place, over something that I thought was over and done with months ago.
There is part of me wondering if he is even telling the truth though. He was involved with a married woman, and I'm wondering if this was to do with that and the caller didn't mention my name at all.
That's if there even *was* any phone calls. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Apparently he was out the other week and a lot of people were talking about me. Not nice stuff, so I asked for names. He named my ex and my ex best mate (both of whom I know are bitter and neither of which bother me in the slightest), he also named a very good current friend. So I asked her about it, coz she's not the type to talk behind my back, and surprise surprise, she didn't even see him that night. So he just made that bit up purely to try and hurt me. I'm so done.
Oh, and apparently he still loves me. The very thought of that makes me feel sick.
So much for things looking up.
Maybe next year.

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Looking up?

Now, Im not entirely sure whether I even want to say anything about this, in case I jinx it! But then I decided that I complain quite a lot here about how depressing everything is, so its only fair I share the good stuff.

First of all, my 'houseguest' has gone! I couldnt be happier about it. Towards the end it was just getting ridiculously awful for both of us, he couldnt speak to me without me flipping out for no reason at all, and he just pissed me off coz he was still breathing! ... But its sorted now anyways. I have my place back to myself. Now I can try and get it sorted and probably then move!

Speaking of moving, why are there no houses for me?! Its soooo annoying, Ive been looking for ages and ages. Someone want to buy me a 3 bed to live in? Id be very appreciative.

Hmmm, I totally felt like making one of my usual massively long, rambling posts but now I cant think of what to say.

I think Ill have to leave it at this and go audioboo instead!

Sorry for the crapness.

And I'm back.

So Ive been away for a while. Nowhere in particular, just not been in a blogging sort of mood. I've had plenty to say but it's been more in the form of Twitter rants as I'm sure a lot of you have witnessed!
So much has happened lately. I'm not entirely sure where I'm up to as I'm not actually connected to the internet right now, what with being in the middle of the Irish sea an all.
I've put moving house on hold as I dont think I'm ready to do it. I'm not in the right headspace to be starting over. I'm ok where I am, of course it's not ideal and I do need a yard or garden for the little ones but for now, we're doing ok. I think I'd be better concentrating on getting my shit sorted and straightened out.
My payments are all finally sorted, 15 months later and unfortunately the backpay is all pretty much used up as I've had to figure ways of paying my rent, borrowing etc. So I've had to pay that back and stuff. I'm just glad it's all finally sorted out. I can start making proper plans now, designate certain money toward moving and tweetup funds and what have you. I'm paying everyone back as I can and just getting used to being organised. Of course it's a work in progress as I've never been good with money!
I've recently switched electricity companies which will save me almost £300 a year which is a hell of a lot. It was one of those things in Sainsburys when salespeople grab you as you're doing your shopping, I usually ignore them but I have to admit that I stopped coz the guy was cute! Yes I am that superficial. Turns out it was the right move! So that's a step in the right direction. I'll get there, slowly but absolutely surely.

As for life in general, it's also a bit up in the air. I'm very much a single girlie right now. I'm not ruling out any sort of 'romance' but I'm not out looking for it. Never have actually, all my relationships have been by chance if you like. I'm not one to actively seek a boyfriend and I'm quite comfortable with my own company, enough to be happily single and not fret at all. Tbh, I'm not sure that I'm even cut out for a relationship, I'm quite selfish and I know that I'm hard work. If things are bothering me, I tend to keep it to myself and try to avoid any sort of confrontation until it all gets too much and I flip out over something stupid, which invariably leads to arguments and then they of course ask why I haven't said anything before. Maybe I need to try and change the way I deal with things but I don't know if I can. I am what I am and tbh, if they can't handle me being like that, then I'm obviously not meant to be with them. So yeah, I'm single but if the right guy preseveres enough with me then I'll just see how it goes. Like I say, I'm not closed off to relationships, just very, very wary. I was saying the other day, how I'd love to go back to 18 yr old me, where things weren't so complicated! But I bet we all think that sometimes. I can't change it so I just have to make the best of things.

My OU course also went tits up, but if I'm honest it just didnt hold my attention in the way that I thought it would. I should have Bowen the psychology like I was toying with in the first place, but then I doubt I would have fared any better as there wasn't much opportunity to actually study. I'm hoping to start that course in September, or possibly November when I'll have more time and hopefully things will be settled and more of a routine. I'd really like to make a go of that. It's always interested me how people work, I'm a nosy bitch too so it'd work all ways!

I'm going to leave this post as is for now. Going to try and get my head down for a bit. I'm on a ferry right now, taking the boy over for his holiday with his nan. At least one of us gets to go away for a little while! I'll publish this as soon as my signal comes back, the middle of the Irish sea isn't terribly technology-friendly!
Bye for now xx


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One thing after another ...

Ugh, I am so sick and fucking tired of things going wrong for me. I seriously think that i must have been a torturer or a serial killer or something for all this shit to go so tits up. Its just one thing after another, then when one thing is sorted then something else goes wrong. Why the hell cant it just be straightforward and simple?! Is that really too much to ask?!

Im so upset and annoyed and just plain confused half the time, at what the hell these people are doing. Theyre basically playing with mine and my kids lives, and I know that sounds totally dramatic, but if they dont sort their shit, and soon, then I face possible eviction.

Sod the TV bills or the phone bills, I can organise those another way. What I cant organise is a large amount of money to be paid to one place, which is already over two weeks overdue, because the fuckers that owe it to me just keep telling me that 'someone will call you within 5 working days'. Will you FUCK! 4 times Ive called over the last few weeks, First time, I waited the 5 days, waited for the payment, nothing. Called back, waited 5 days, had to call back again. Person I spoke to tells me he is hugely apologetic (he was lovely to be fair) and alls he can do is pass it on with a strongly worded message and that someone will get back to me within, you guessed it, 5 working days. 4 days later I get a phone call from the same woman who said that she was going to give me the money within the first 5 days she mentioned, this time she said she told me that she had to wait for a certain piece of information before she could go ahead with what she was doing. Er ... no love, you told me you were sorting it THAT DAY! Anyways, this time, she says she has all her info and can sort it that day. That was nearly a week ago ... I think Citizens Advice may just be getting a visit from me if they dont sort their shit out soon.

I have never been this out of pocket in my entire life. Luckily I have no loans or credit cards so no debt in that way, but I owe people money. Bills should have been paid that havent been, bills that I have taken out on the proviso that all this crap was sorted.

I despise having to rely on other people. I despise being in the situation Im in. But I gues this is why Im doing the OU course, coz it may be totally shitty now. But it wont be forever.

Im gonna get out of this and Im gonna build such a good life for me and my kids. They deserve the world.

All I want right now is a hug, I want to be held while I get all this emotion out of me.

Im trying not to let it, but its starting to get to me, in a way that I dont want it to. I know that probably doesnt make sense ... how to put this ... I used to deal with stress and emotions in a very unhealthy way. A way that I managed to (mostly) pull myself out of. It reared its ugly head again earlier this year but I fought it. Its threatening again (again, not much sense I know) but so far Im staying strong.

Dont know how much strength I have left now though ...

I really could do with a massive hug off my Dad right now. Ill miss you forever xx

Votes

So I voted for the first time in my life this year. I did it by post instead of having to drag everyone down and queue up. The second I posted it, I wanted to reach inside and get it back, change my mind. SO glad I didn't as I'm totally behind the choice I made. I didn't realise that it would be as nerve-wracking as it actually was!

I'm a Lib Dem, well, that's who I voted for anyways. I don't mind saying as I believe that unless you're BNP, then Ill accept that everyone has a right to their own choice. I guess they have a right to the BNP too, but I disagree with the party as a whole.

Aaaaanyways, now Ive gotten that out of the way I shall move on.

I haven't blogged in ages, no huge reason why, just a bunch of little reasons that have added up to me not being able to. Things are better. Not good, but better.

I still have that unwanted houseguest but I'm now able to think of ways to make myself stronger to make him leave. I simply don't want them here, and I don't know how they can just stay. I certainly couldn't. Id want to get my own place, find my own life, move on and grow up again. I honestly don't know what it is that is going thru his head. And for the most part, I don't care, I just want him out. Still.

In other news, I'm househunting again. The place I'm in was never meant to be long term. It was just a stopgap. Lots of things have happened over the last year which means that I'm still here and haven't been in a position to move. But hopefully, within the next few days, I will be.

And I will be in a pretty good position for it. Its due to a fuck up on the part of other people but ya know, it seems to be working out well for me in the end.

All I need now is for a house to crop up that would be ideal for us! Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ive started my uni course! Well, its a short, starter course, but I like to call it a uni course because of who its with. I'm still torn between wanting to take web design or psychology, and if I'm honest, I leaning towards psychology because of a few conversations Ive had with individuals lately. But web design is more practical for this day and age. Although saying that, people will always have problems ... hmmm, think this is the point where I take my short course and have a good think, see if there is some way that I can integrate both into my studies without one suffering more than the other, or either of them suffering for that matter!

I'm going to be a busy, busy girlie over the next year or two.

And you know what? I fucking love it :o)

Starting over.

So, I was reading over all of my blog posts and my god, Im depressing! I mean, none of what I have said isnt true, but even the pessimism in me is getting fed up of being pessimistic! Im going to attempt to concentrate more on the positives.

My situation hasnt changed much, I still have an unwanted houseguest back (he went while I had another visitor but now hes back) but its something that is in the process of being dealt with. I still dont speak to those ex-friends that I have but I do not need friends like them and I have been reconnecting with the friends I used to have, that dont judge or try to control me. I still have feelings for this guy but I have sort of decided on a plan of action with that, and the feelings are diminishing anyways (either that or Im pushing them to the back of my mind, thatll do for now). So these things that have been dragging me down, are slowly getting sorted out.

I have sent off the application form to kickstart my education and I have made all teh relevant phone calls that I need to make (except for 2 to change payments over but I have to work out DD before I can do that!). So all in all, Im getting back on track.

My next big job is to move house. That is my big plan for the summer. I need a place where my kids can play outside safely, somewhere where I actually have a front door! Somewhere where my little man can invite his friends round for tea and stuff.

It will all fall into place. Im sure of that. I just have to learn patience and know when to push through. My babies deserve better. And they will get it.

House ... er ... guest.

I have someone staying with me at the moment.

Hes my ex. Not my most recent ex, but the father of my kids, the one that left me for another woman. The one that is an alcoholic. The one that I should hate but I dont have enough feeling for him to actually hate him.

Hes staying because he has managed to ostracise himself from his family, none of them speak to him, because of his lies, his promises to change and other reasons that they have. Part of them not being over-friendly isnt his fault, its the fault of one evil, twisted person that doesnt seem to live in reality anymore. She has said things that simply are not true. Shes the one that is my ex-best friend, hardly surprising.

Anyways, I dont want him here anymore. I dont have many regrets in my life, very few in fact, but this I regret.

Hes staying because he has nowhere else, he was with his brother but even he doesnt want him there anymore and he doesnt want to be there and cant be there because of things going on with the brother (drugs). I had agreed for him to stay for a few days, which turned into a week, which has now turned into a couple of weeks.

Its not like hes not pulling his weight, he cooks, he cleans and he looks after the kids sometimes too. But its the little things he does. Questions me about things, like last night, I mentioned that my mate had asked me to go to her bf's gig with her, I didnt really want to but hes all like 'So, are you asking me to babysit again (he's babysat 3 times since he got here), you were just complaining about being skint and now youre talking about going out?'. All I was doing was making conversation!

Then when he does babysit, he wants to know who Im with and where Im going, and Im like 'Its none of your damn business who I see or where I go!'

He has a problem with a very old friend of mine, by very old I mean that Ive known him since forever. We have been 'together' a few times and we have fallen out a good few times too! Ya know how you do with guy friends that are more than just friends but not all the time and they have issues and things go tits up but then a little while later its all forgotten and everything is ok again? Well, we're like that. We always seem to drift back together. But he has a problem with him coz of how he treated me one time. It was something and nothing but its like its a huge deal. And apparently this guy did something with some girl when she was seeing one of his mates although thats their business not my ex's, its just an excuse to try and still have some control over me. So if I want to see this guy then I have to tell the ex that Im doing something else because I cant be bothered with the hassle. Its ridiculous.

Hes made no effort to try and find somewhere else to live and Im being treated like the mug that Im acting like. I need to be strong and make him leave coz the more I say he can stay, the less he is going to try and find somewhere else.

I have to remember that he is not my responsibility anymore, hes a grown man and he needs to be able to look after himself. He can look after himself.

Im getting there though, twice hes asked me to go somewhere with him, to hold his hand in a way, and twice I have said no. Before I would have just gone, to keep the peace.

I just need to build on that strength.

My motto, sort of ...

I know this usually starts with 'God' but I prefer to leave that bit silent. Ya know, what with not being a believer an all. So here it is :~

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

I try to remind myself that I believe this. Although I still wish certain people would FOAD.


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Quote.

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't let them be reckless with yours.


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Who needs enemies?

Wow. I actually had no idea just how incredibly selfish and disgusting some people really are.

Ive recently fallen out with someone I thought was a really good friend. Wait, no, scratch that, we didnt fall out at all. There was no argument, no cross words, nothing. It just so happened that we didnt see each other for a little while, she asked if there was anything wrong, if she had done anything to which she got a negative response coz it was just one of those things. I was busy, she was busy etc. But that obviously went on a little longer than she was happy with, we stopped speaking pretty much altogether, and then I find out from two different sources, that she has been speaking about me. And after being asked what had happened (not by me), she replied with 'Things have been said, we will never be friends again'. And after the last few days, she will be lucky if I dont ruin her life for her.

We had sort of, kind of, got back on to online speaking terms, the odd comment on facebook or informative mini chats on MSN. Then she was told something that she didnt like. A decision I had made about someone who has previously been a rather large burden in my life. Basically, they had nowhere to live, no roof over their head, so I said that I would put him up for a few days. Im a grown up, I can make these informative decisions all by myself. Just because it pisses her off, or she has some sort of issue with it, she removes me from facebook. I think she blocked me too.

Then that evening, a fb message appears, not for me, but for the kids dad. She has taken it upon herself to inform him of a situation that happened a little while ago. I made a stupid decision and did something I shouldnt have. And 'out of concern' (read:out of being pissed off with me) she felt that she had to tell him. So of course, he flips out on me, I get called all sorts etc. etc. I explain my side, we get over it, its done. And that clearly wasnt the reaction that she had hoped for. So she has gone out of her way to try and make it worse for everyone. She chose last night to inform anybody that would listen in the pub about what happened. She called me names via the ex, calling me a slag, she left nasty little comments on facebook for all to see, ulimately, she threatened to do something, that if she carried it out, could seriously ruin lives.

This was never done out of concern, this was done purely because I was out of her control, I had taken my life back and I was doing ok. She didnt like that. This is nothing to do with concern, this is purely to do with narcissism.

She has fucked with the wrong person this time. I hope she really does believe in karma. Then she will understand why her life is about to go totally downhill.

Blame.

Wow. It really doesn't stop does it? It's always my fault one way or another. And if I prove that it is t my fault, you will find something else to blame me for.
I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad mum. I'm not a bad girlfriend. But you make out Im the worst in the world until you realise what you have said and then you come and apologise, you say you're sorry and you want us to be friends. Then you expect me to just accept it and give you a hug. Tell you it's fine.
But it's not. It's not fine. None of this is fine. I'm not fine, you're not fine, this situation is far from fine. But it suits you coz you're getting exactly what you want from it whereas I get left feeling uncomfortable and disgusted and tbh, most of the time, you make my skin crawl. You brush past me down be corridor and I feel the need to wipe 'it' off, even though nothing is there. Then when you askfor a hug and I try and do it quickly, you wrap your arms around me like we're still together and t makes me feel
physically sick. You say things like 'If I hadn't been for the drinking, we would still be together'. Well NEWSFLASH! We wouldn't be. I don't like you as a person. I don't want to as a friend and I certaiy dot want you as a confidante.
I want you to go fix yourself up. Get a life. Find someone else to complain to coz Ive had enough.
I'm stronger now. I refuse for you to bring me down anymore.
The only person you're going to bring down is yourself.

Maybe its me?

So guess who has recently lost another friend? Theyre dropping like flies. Not dead like, just cant be my mate anymore.

I received a text last night, saying that we just couldnt be mates anymore. This is entirely due to this persons paranoia. Me and their partner met at New Year, we have a hell of a lot in common so we get on really well. We exchanged numbers after a facebook chat and have regularly texted each other pretty much since then. He is a friend, nothing more. But of course, because he is the opposite sex, it must mean that there is something more to the texts than just being friends.

She went thru his texts the other day, and there were a couple of texts, that, if read out of context, could have been taken as him coming on to me. But they were a joke, and if he had been a girl, nothing would have bee thought of. What she did then, was to get in touch with my ex and tell him that this guy had been coming on to me for weeks and that when we were out last week, we were texting each other across teh table. Each of these things are simply not true! I am in shock at the blatant lies that have been told. Actually, thats not true. The girl is a pathological liar.

Hes been set straight though, and to be fair to him, he asked me for the truth and as far as I can tell, he believes me.

Ick. I hate people.

Past ...

You still have the power to hurt me in ways you will never know. I hate that you can do that and I wonder if it will ever stop.
Please, just leave me alone.


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Can I?

In all honesty, whats the likelihood of me having a temporary boyfriend?

Friends ...

When I was at school, I had loads of friends. I wasnt the popular girl, or the unpopular girl for that matter. I was friends with everyone, took people at face value. I have never been one to judge people based on what others say about them.

The older I get, the more I feel that was the right way to be, even now in a world where most people just seem to want to fit in. I try to teach my children the same thing. I am trying to teach them to make their own decisions about things. Not to follow the crowd. To be individuals.

I dont have a lot of truly close friends anymore, but thinking back, I dont suppose I ever really did. I knew a lot of people, I guess I had, and have, a wide network of friends and aquintances. And you know what? Im ok with this. I dont want people to know me, I dont want people to be close enough to me to have the power to use that information to hurt me. Intentionally or otherwise.

I have recently 'lost' a person that I thought was my best friend. I dont mean they have died, just that we're not friends anymore. Havent spoken for a good few weeks now. The reason that this hurts, is because there was no argument. No falling out. Nothing. We didnt see each other for a little bit, and questions were asked. "What had they done to piss me off?" (Nothing, was just not in the mood for company), "What have they said thats caused me to not want to see them?" (Nothing, I never NOT wanted to see them), and so on and so forth. I dont know how many times I said that there were no issues (except my own) or problems, it wasnt accepted. So I stopped trying to explain, I figured that if this person chose not to believe me then it was their issue not mine and I waited for them to get over it and let me know when they had.

So I waited ... and waited ... then I found out that this person had been talking about me behind my back. Which in itself doesnt bother me, what bothers me is the person that they chose to speak to and what Ive been told has been said about me afterwards.

Apparently, I have said things that will cause us to never be friends again. Apparently this is my fault. Even though I have said nothing apart from the fact that I was bored with it. I was bored with the whole situation. Just wanted it to blow over and us get back to normal.

Guess that just isnt going to happen now. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that though. I dont really know if Im all that bothered that Im no longer friends with someone who will judge me, clearly, by what other people have said about me.

I thought they were better than that.

Relationships ...

I have always said that relationships were over-rated. As I was growing up, I could never get my head around the idea of staying with just one person forever and not wanting anyone else. And if Im honest, I still cant. When all my friends at school were hooking up with cute guys, I wasnt interested. I never understood why they wanted to waste their time with these stupid boys.

Im pretty sure youre all expecting me to now say, that now I get it, now I understand the idea of monogamy. But I dont. I still dont get it. I dont understand how there can only be one person for one person. I think some of us arent designed to just stick with a single person. And I think Im one of those people.

I have been in a relationship for about 7 months now, That, to me, is like a lifetime. Admittedly, my previous relationship spanned a number of years but that was due to circumstances. Before him, my longest was about 9 months.

I get bored you see, Im so very easily bored. So after the excitement of new relationships wears off, my eye begins to wander. My mind starts to imagine a different life. A single life. A life where I have no responsibilities, where I wouldnt have to consider others feelings before I decided to do something. A life where I could kiss whoever I wanted and not have to deal with the repercussions that came with that!

I think ideally, I want the best of both worlds. I want to have my cake and eat it too. But ironically, I dont believe in cheating. I wish it was acceptable, but I wouldnt do it. Perfect relationship for me, would be for me to be able to go out, see who I wanted to, but have someone waiting for me when I got home. Only if I felt like it though.

Its the most selfish thing ever of course and I know that its just not possible, and I would never really expect it off anyone but ya know, in an ideal world ...