I dont know ...

I'm having a major crisis of confidence. The things my mum has said to me over the last couple of days, about me not being happy and not being able to cope, have knocked me quite a bit.
I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if I AM coping ok. My daughter is a nightmare of a child at times, but the next second she does the sweetest things.
I'm not a natural parent, Ive never felt maternal, I never even wanted children. I know that sounds bad, but it was never in my grand plans for my life. It just happened. I never, ever thought i would be a single mum of 3 kids at this age.
But I am, and even though Ive been a mum for 9 years, I still don't seem to have totally gotten my head around it. I don't know if what I do is right. I don't know, when they do something they have been told a billion times not to do, if i should shout, put them on the 'naughty step', ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good? And then I have my own childhood experiences to think of, the way my mum and dad treated me. But I was never a bad kid, not really. I'm just so confused.
This is really, really hard. I have to be everything to these kids. I have to be the one that tells one off and comforts the other when they fight. The jealousy they hold for each other is sometimes palpable and I feel like I fuel that by hugging the one that's hurt and telling off the one that's hit.
I'm hoping that things do begin to get sorted this week, if I don't get some semblance of a life back for myself, i am going to literally go crazy and then Ill be of  no use to anyone.
Don't get  me wrong, I adore my children and I would die for them, but I need to have time for me too. I'm don't think of that as selfish. I'm just not one of these women who's life revolves around the 'little angels that can do no wrong'.
I wont take my kids out for food or to a restaurant because of the behaviour of the little one, she gets fed up sitting down so long (and who can blame her really) and gets agitated if i try and force her, then come the screams and then that's no fun for anyone. Hopefully she will grow out of it, but for now, we're limited with places we can go.
Maybe I have a touch of cabin fever, I don't know. I just know that I need some time off. I need to recharge my batteries. I need a break away from everything I know here. I need to go somewhere that I have never been, where no-one knows me and no-one can judge me. Coz they do here, people hear rumours and of course choose to believe what they like. It doesn't matter what the truth is.
I need to get away from that, even if only a short while.
Someone rescue me?

Sunday ...

I hate Sundays. I really do. Sundays are designed for lazy days with the bf and/or a big gang of mates. Having a laugh, watching DVD's, maybe a few drinks. Kids running round without a care in the world. One of those days were you go to bed with aching muscles from laughing so much.
Sundays used to be about competitions for me, before I had the kids. I used to compete show-jumping and helped out with my bosses horses too. So Id be up at the crack of dawn, bathing horses that were so big I had to stand on a stool to wash their backs, and I loved it. I love the camaraderie that came along with the job. You would see the same people every weekend, compete against the same riders. Drink with the same guys and girls after you're time was all over.
That was what I thought I was going to carry on doing with my life. I wanted to run my own yard, then every day would have been filled with something to do. Something to concentrate and work hard at.
I think Ive been lost since I left there, there hasn't really been anything else that I have wanted to do. I tried, Ive been to college a couple of times now, but it hasn't held my interest like the horses did.
I know I have to let this go because it is not something that I would be able to get into again, not with having the kids. Running a yard is more than a full-time job and I just wouldn't be able to split myself between that and my kids.
So I have to figure out what it is that I want to work at, what I want to dedicate some of my spare time (HA! Whats that then?!) to. I have an idea of pursuing this psychology course, I think that its something that I will be interested in. Something that I will be able to go on and do more with afterwards. So yeah, that's where I'm going to start anyways. No harm in trying right?

Aaaanyways, back to my Sunday thing. I know that the only way I can make them any better is to sort it myself, but I just don't know where to start. I don't really have that many friends here, and only 1 of them has kids. Obviously I don't have a bf so cant spend lazy Sundays with them.
Basically, I think Sundays are rubbish if you're alone. Which I essentially am, thanks to events over the last year or so.
I think a change may be starting this week tho, I'm meeting the ex to discuss things. I'm not going to mention moving yet, it'll be a while before I can even think about doing that so no point rocking the boat too soon. Ill be happy with us deciding which parent is having the kids which days. I just want things organised so I can try to make a start organising myself.
I'm not happy and I'm the only person that can change it. I'm not happy with a lot of things and I'm pretty fed up of being depressed about it. I guess its time for action.
As Ive probably said before, wish me luck.

Sundays still suck though.

On hold

The new start is still happening, but right now, its on hold.
My little holiday has been great for a few days but its really hitting home to me, how much I really dont want to be back here.
My mum asked me today, if I was coping ok with the kids on my own. My reply was along the lines of 'I have no choice, do I?' knowing full well what the response was going to be; 'You have, you could always move back here and let me help you. At least until I could get this place sold and we could move.'
She has no idea how much I hate it here, obviously. She still thinks that coming back here, albeit only temporarily, would be a better option than for me to stay put and struggle on. It aint never gonna happen.
I would rather be back home, and go thru all the shit I went thru, than to have stayed here and been bored out of my mind.
You know, the first few days of my time away were great. The relief of not having to check over my shoulder, not having to worry about someone rocking up on my doorstep, making demands was tangible. It has proved to me that I need to get away from my home. As much as I love it, and it will always be where my heart lies, I need to leave.
I NEED to start over. This isnt just a whim, this isnt running away. This will be me, starting my life over for the better, for the kids. No-one else.
I guess a part of me did move back home so the kids were nearer to their dad. Stupid idea on my part, he clearly doesnt and didnt appreciate the effort I made, with him in mind. Dont get me wrong, I didnt move back to be with him or anything like that, but a part of me thought it would be better for them to be around him. And maybe if he hadnt failed at life and let his 'demons' get the better of him, then I may have been right. But I cant live my life for anyone except myself and my children now. Ive been doing that long enough, every decision I have made has had an element of someone elses opinions in it. And now I need to do this for me.
My main problem with this, is that Im not entirely sure how I go about doing this. I know Im a headstrong, stubborn, (mostly) confident but incredibly shy person (yeah, I can be shy AND confident!) so having to do all of this on my own is absolutely terrifying for me.
Moving will take a lot of phone calls, visits to places, I mean who knows, I might hate it down there! Ill have to talk to people, fill in forms and ultimately, at the end of it all, Ill have to meet new people. I think this scares me most. Ill have no friends, no family and I wont know the area. Kids will be in a new school and I will have no-one but them.
Omg, what the fuck am I thinking?! Am I mental? This is coming from someone that hates people, hates meeting new people and doesnt know what to say to them when I do. I think I may have finally lost my mind!
Either that or I have had the most genius idea I have ever had.

In other news, Ive suddenly gone on a downer this afternoon and Im not entirely sure why. I think it must be a combination of boredom, knowing how upset mum will be (even though she knows I have to go at some point) when I tell her what day we're going and going back to a place that I really dont want to be. I wish I could just go straight down South and totally bypass the going home part. Like I said, I love my hometown, I just dont want to be there right now. Ive found out who my true friends are, and the people who pretended. I just dont want to be constantly looking around so as not to bump into people that I have no interest in speaking to.
I know I bitch, but if I have a problem with someone, Ill ask them to their faces. I wont bitch behind their backs with their ex and ex best mate!
Fucking pathetic. Im still bitter about this. I wish I wasnt so good at holding grudges, I think I hold them till karma has been to visit. And then I dont forgive or forget, I just move on.
I need to move on.

New Start.

So Ive made a decision. The last few months have been a total eye opener for me. Its been one thing after another thats gone wrong or just not gotten any better and Im tired of it. Im tired of being taken for granted or taken advantage of. Im tired of people walking all over me becuase they think they can.
I realised the other day, that Ive never actually been happy here since I moved back. Not really.
In fact, I havent been truly happy for a good few years, and that is pathetic tbh.
Sadly it has actually taken me this long to realise this, it has taken me this long to realise that I dont deserve to be miserable all the time.
I know what started me down this road and that particular person is gone out of my life now. Not as much as I would like but the hold that they had over me is now 99% broken. Unfortunately I am always going to have to have some sort of contact because of the children, but that will be where it begins and ends. Im perfectly capable of messing my life up without getting help from them!
Ive been thinking a lot lately, about my circumstances. I absolutely love this area and where I live, and Im more than happy that I did actually move back here, but I think Ive grown out of it now. There are people here that I used to be friends with, used to be the best of friends with (or so I thought) that basically have stabbed me in the back. Ive said this in a previous post, how they heard that I had said some things about them (which I hadnt) but instead of asking me if it was true, decided to believe what they heard. The way I saw it, if they were so quick to believe bad things of me, then they clearly had no respect for me in the first place so I let them go. I read a quote the other day that went something along the lines of:

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will.  So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

I couldnt agree more with this, although this person used to be like my sister, it turns out that either our friendship had just run its course, or we werent that strong in the first place. Maybe I should have fought for it, but I refuse to apologise for something I didnt do, to someone who didnt even have the guts to confront me about it. I think thats where my mind began to change about my attitude. I mean, why the hell should I go running to her? Why should I try and find out what it was I apparently said? Im not a bad friend, yeah I say things about people when they piss me off, who doesnt? But I will say that same thing to their face aswell. In fact it happened to me last week, I was told that a very good friend of mine had been talking about me to someone. So I asked her about it, turns out that my friend hadnt even seen the person that told me it, that night so couldnt possibly have been talking about me.
Now that could have messed up a problem free friendship if I had decided to keep quiet but isnt that the whole point of friends? That you can ask these things and not fall out about it? I mean, we are adults now right? I nearly said mature then, HA! As if. Meh, it just adds to my plans for my future.
Lately Ive been thinking about moving again. I dont mean finding a more suitable place nearby, I mean moving away.
I do have a couple of very good friends here, and I have just got back in touch with my old friends from the stables but I wont be going over any water this time, people could visit, I could visit them. I adore the few friends that I do have, coz they know EVERYthing, they know about the mistakes I made and the things I did that Im not proud of, and they accept me for it. They dont judge me. Coz they know that thats what they were, stupid mistakes. Everyone makes them, but its not the mistake thats important, its what you do about it afterwards. The way you deal with what you did, make the apologies where theyre needed etc.
So yeah, moving away, far away, as in right down South away. Ive been looking at Portsmouth, Bournemouth etc. Down that way. Im not sure if its just running away though, but then I have nothing left up here. I have nothing left to run away from. Not really.
I do know that if this is what I decide to do, then it wont be made easy for me. There is one person that will basically refuse to let me go. Well, refuse to let the girls go anyways. In a way I cant say Id blame him but these feelings only arise when it suits him. I mean, he left us all in the first place right? At least if I was down there, he could get the train, bus or fly even. There are options. It might give him the incentive to actually grow up a bit if he realises that he is going to need to have money to be able travel and see his children.
I dont know, I just know that I need to leave here.
Something else I need to change is looking after myself. Coz basically, I dont. Im at least 2 to 3 stone overweight, I have horrible skin and I couldnt run to the end of the road without dying. Im absolutely no role model to my children right now. I mean, they have me to look up to? Poor kids. Ill have time on my hands when I go away. Im going to set up a plan, I have plenty of iPhone apps to help me out. I have yoga podcasts and  Im not dumb! I know how to lose weight and get fit, without all these diets I keep thinking about. I have NEVER been on a fad diet, or any diet at all, in my life. Im not about to start now.

This is a WHOLE life change. Completely new me. I was 30 recently, when better to start, right? Id say wish me luck, but I dont need luck, just support and I know I will get that xx

Stupid

I did something I didn't think I'd do again. I hate that it made me feel better. Gave me something to concentrate on. I hate me.

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Jinx

I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. Things have been going better for me for about a week or so. So I blogged about it.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
4:30am I get a phone call from the ex. If he wasn't looking after our daughter, I'd have ignored it. So I get greeted with a demand to know if I'd slept with someones bf recently. (Now this refers to something that happened months and months ago so wasn't totally out of the blue).
Of course I haven't, so I ask him why, and he tells me that he had just recieved 3 phone calls from someone, first one saying his gf had slept with someone else, he says he hasn't got one and hangs up. Second call saying his gf is a slapper and apparently third one saying that I (using my name) had slept with her (using her name) boyfriend. So of course he has to phone me straight away, wake me up and proceed to rant and rave about how awful this is, that the phone had just woken the daughter up.
It took me about half an hour to try and calm him down, and try and get him to put it in perspective coz he wanted to go out and cause a fight.
He kept hanging up on me so I kept having to phone him back and make sure he wasn't being an idiot. That's how he handles shit, fight first (or threaten to at least) ask questions later.
It's so pathetic, the fact that this person called HIM, when none of this has anything to do with him. And the fact they even called in the first place, over something that I thought was over and done with months ago.
There is part of me wondering if he is even telling the truth though. He was involved with a married woman, and I'm wondering if this was to do with that and the caller didn't mention my name at all.
That's if there even *was* any phone calls. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Apparently he was out the other week and a lot of people were talking about me. Not nice stuff, so I asked for names. He named my ex and my ex best mate (both of whom I know are bitter and neither of which bother me in the slightest), he also named a very good current friend. So I asked her about it, coz she's not the type to talk behind my back, and surprise surprise, she didn't even see him that night. So he just made that bit up purely to try and hurt me. I'm so done.
Oh, and apparently he still loves me. The very thought of that makes me feel sick.
So much for things looking up.
Maybe next year.

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Looking up?

Now, Im not entirely sure whether I even want to say anything about this, in case I jinx it! But then I decided that I complain quite a lot here about how depressing everything is, so its only fair I share the good stuff.

First of all, my 'houseguest' has gone! I couldnt be happier about it. Towards the end it was just getting ridiculously awful for both of us, he couldnt speak to me without me flipping out for no reason at all, and he just pissed me off coz he was still breathing! ... But its sorted now anyways. I have my place back to myself. Now I can try and get it sorted and probably then move!

Speaking of moving, why are there no houses for me?! Its soooo annoying, Ive been looking for ages and ages. Someone want to buy me a 3 bed to live in? Id be very appreciative.

Hmmm, I totally felt like making one of my usual massively long, rambling posts but now I cant think of what to say.

I think Ill have to leave it at this and go audioboo instead!

Sorry for the crapness.