Thoughts

Ive wanted to blog for a few days now. I haven't know where to start, what to say. Ive had an idea of what it is that I want to write about but I didn't know how to get it going.
I guess one of the main things that Ive been thinking about lately, is being a single mum. With it being my birthday recently, I always sort of, take stock of where I'm at in my life. I'm not happy with where I am to be honest.
I've probably said this before, but when I was younger, the last position I saw myself in, at the age of 31, was a jobless, overweight, single mum. I envisaged me running my own breaking yard. A stables where people brought young, unridden horses in for me to back. To get used to having the saddles on their back and ultimately get used to being ridden well, handled gently and turn out into good, safe horses. That was my plan.
My plan was scuppered when I failed to pass my driving test, although I only got told of this after I had left the yard. I think I was 18 when I failed first time. I was actually quite shocked and dismayed when they examiner said "I'm sorry ... ", because I was convinced that I had passed with flying colours, and if you took out that one eager pulling out at the roundabout, right at the beginning, then my test was basically perfect. I say eager, because if it had been an experienced driver then no-one would have batted an eyelid, but because I was still in 'Learner' status, the examiner said I should have been more hesitant.
But my driving tests are another story. Me failing my test, denied me the chance to manage the side of the riding school that I wanted. The side that worked the private horses. The side that had the youngsters come in, that had the older, more experienced jumping horses that I would have had the chance to school and exercise. Because I couldn't be relied upon to get to the stables as easily, I had to get a lift over from the riding school. I got told after I had left, that that yard would've been mine. I would've been in charge of the whole thing. That that was what I was being trained for. And Ive just realised that it still hurts that I missed out on that opportunity as my eyes are currently filling up with tears as I write this.
Being a mum has never been natural for me. I don't have a maternal bone in my body, for humans anyways. Bring me a sick, injured, abandoned animal, of pretty much any type, and Ill look after it. Ill nurture it back to health and then not want to let it go. Bring me a baby and I'm like, 'What do you want me to do with that then?'
I remember when I found out that I was having my son, I was 30 weeks gone, I had planned on never having kids, ever. I didn't want them, I didn't like them, I didn't have the patience for them. But there he was, on the scan.
He was born 2 weeks later, so I was effectively pregnant for 2 weeks. He was 8 weeks early so was taken straight into the Special Care Baby Unit, where he was put in an incubator. Luckily his breathing was pretty strong so he didn't have to go on oxygen. He had a tube going up his nose down into his stomach for feeding because he wasn't capable of suckling from a  bottle being born that early. He was in there for around 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks, I just didn't know what to do. I went to see him every day, I fed him, i looked at him, but I wasn't allowed to touch him at first. He wasn't quite strong enough. When the nurses told me that he was ok to come out of his incubator, I didn't want to hold him. I didn't know how to.
We managed tho. The first 6 months or so were some of the hardest times of my life. There were times when I wasn't interested. I was 20, I didn't want to grow up. The only responsibilities I wanted were within my job. But I had no choice. That little boy was there, and he needed me. It took me a while, but we got there. Eventually.
Hes 10 now, starting his last year in primary school in September. Hes grown up so quickly and so well. His teachers say that hes a pleasure to teach, that hes polite and helpful. He tries his best etc. I really couldn't be prouder of that little dude.
I guess the point of this post is, that although I'm a million miles away from where I expected to be, and there is a hell of a lot more to add to that story that I wont here, I think I might be doing ok.
This wasn't what I planned, this wasn't what I wanted. But its where I am.
And I think I'm ok.

Number 51.

So this is my 51st post here. In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure what the content of most of my posts are. I tend to just write and in a way, let my fingers do the talking. Its like I get in a zone and I just keep going.
Saying that, this one is is going to, at least to start of with, be a little more light hearted.
So Ive noticed, quite often, that when I stick my music on my iPod and turn it on 'shuffle', it more often than not plays songs relevant to what I'm feeling at the time. Whether it be happy, or sad. Or somewhere in between. I'm going to list 10 songs here that played this morning when I was doing some chores, there was major eye-rolling going on coz they are all so relevant (in different ways) to how Ive been feeling lately. List is;

1. Adele - Set Fire to the Rain
2. Will Young - Love
3. Jamelia (Live Lounge) - Numb
4. Staind - Tangled Up in You
5. Pink - Stop Falling
6. Tinie Tempah (Live Lounge) - Frisky
7. Avril Lavigne - I Love You
8. Ministry of Sound - Lost Without You
9. The Bangles - In a Different Light
10. Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone

I'm assuming you can all guess whats been going thru my mind a lot lately by that list of tracks? 

Yup, love. Or rather, thinking about wanting to be in love. Ive felt so lonely lately. And I hate it, coz I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone else. I'm good alone, ya know? But I'm surrounded by couples. In real life, on TV, on twitter/FB. Id just like to have what they have for a while, or forever, I'm  not going to rule that out, coz that would be silly. 

I bought the Twilight DVDs recently, and I found myself sitting there crying. Which in itself is nothing unusual, but I realised I was crying because of the relationship that I was watching (and shut up, I fricking love Twilight!), crying because Ive never had a relationship like that. That's so open and so free. I'm always hiding something, even in friendships, I can never be 100% open and honest. 

I'm not saying I'm a liar, but I don't give my all. Coz if I did, and Ive probably said this before, then that gives someone else power and control, and I'm not sure I can give that up. I almost did once, and that power and control was very much abused. I'm not going to get into that now tho, as I'm pretty much out the other side of that.

But yeah, it seems my iPod shuffle is pretty tuned in to my thoughts and emotions. How bizarre.