I keep wondering when it is that I'm finally going to stop crying over this. When enough is actually going to be enough. When basically, hes going to move on with his own life and leave me to get on with mine.
Once again, all I want to do is cry. I want to go somewhere, all alone, and cry until I cant cry anymore. Until my eyes are dry and sore and I don't feel anything anymore.
I want to run away, to just up and leave, leave everything behind and just go somewhere where no-one knows me. Where he cant find us. Where I can start over, start afresh and pretend that he doesn't exist.
I will never be able to do this, and probably wouldn't be the best idea anyways.
All I want is to be left alone. I don't want to make trouble, I don't want to stop the kids seeing him. I just want him to leave me, and anyone that may be associated with me, alone. I hate him. In fact no, I don't even have enough feeling for him to hate him. I just want him to go away.
I'm at a point now, where I'm numb. And this scares me. The numbness is what causes me to make myself feel. I get to a point where I feel numb for so long that I have to.
I don't want to, and so far I have resisted, I distract myself with other things. But it is always what my thoughts come back to. Its always a last resort but I'm so close to it. So close to feeling that release and that proof that I do still feel. That I am capable of still feeling.
That want for feeling is growing stronger. I hate it but I cant deny it.
I don't want to have to do this anymore.
Wednesday 26 January 2011
Sunday 9 January 2011
Jaded ..
I really want to write this out but I don't even know where to start. Don't even know what to say.
This has been going on for years now. On and on, and I'm not sure that it will ever stop. I'm not sure that I can get out of it. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough.
I want to, I really, really want to. This is killing me. Its destroying any confidence that I was getting back, any resolve that I had. I'm struggling to write this coz I cant see for crying. My face is all swollen coz Ive been in tears all day. I cant stop, but I cant really let go coz then I know that will lead on to something else and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to get that far out of control that I have to take it back that way.
The worst part is, that I don't think you even realise, or if you do, you don't care. I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought I was helping. And although my intentions were that, you clearly took that as a sign to walk all over me. Again. And this is my fault coz I was stupid enough to let you. Again.
I honestly don't know who I hate more, myself or you. You for treating me like you do, or me for letting you.
I'm so tired, so exhausted by all of this, and I want to tell you to leave me alone, to get out of my life, but you just fight back and back until I have no fight left anymore. And you know you can do this and you play on it. And I hate you and I hate me for not being able to stay strong.
Nobody knows any of this either. You know, I tell people that I let you stay again and they're like "Yeah you gotta get rid." and I say that I know. I'm ok, I'm sorting it. They have no idea that I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. Coz I don't want to wake up to this again and again. They have no clue that I hurt myself, coz I cant control how you make me feel, and I have to get control back. They never will, because Ill never tell them. And then I feel stupid because I could ask for help, but I wont.
Because I'm so ashamed that I let you treat me this way. I am so ashamed that the kids see you treating me this way. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know where to get the strength from. That strength I used to have before I met you. I'm never going to get that back am I?
Maybe I should just resign myself to it always being this way. But I don't want to. I don't think I ever could, and that gives me the tiniest sliver of hope for myself.
Only problem is, I don't have the strength any more. Don't tell me I have, because I haven't. And what makes it worse, is that I'm going to have to rely on someone else, I'm going to have to ask someone else to support me. Lord knows who, I couldn't possibly fill my family in on all of this, they don't deserve to know. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean that they don't need to worry about me. There isn't anything they could do from where they are, so they don't need to worry about me on top of that.
So again, stuck at square one. Where do I go from here? (And now I'm singing Buffy show tunes.)
Where the hell does one get strength from?
This has been going on for years now. On and on, and I'm not sure that it will ever stop. I'm not sure that I can get out of it. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough.
I want to, I really, really want to. This is killing me. Its destroying any confidence that I was getting back, any resolve that I had. I'm struggling to write this coz I cant see for crying. My face is all swollen coz Ive been in tears all day. I cant stop, but I cant really let go coz then I know that will lead on to something else and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to get that far out of control that I have to take it back that way.
The worst part is, that I don't think you even realise, or if you do, you don't care. I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought I was helping. And although my intentions were that, you clearly took that as a sign to walk all over me. Again. And this is my fault coz I was stupid enough to let you. Again.
I honestly don't know who I hate more, myself or you. You for treating me like you do, or me for letting you.
I'm so tired, so exhausted by all of this, and I want to tell you to leave me alone, to get out of my life, but you just fight back and back until I have no fight left anymore. And you know you can do this and you play on it. And I hate you and I hate me for not being able to stay strong.
Nobody knows any of this either. You know, I tell people that I let you stay again and they're like "Yeah you gotta get rid." and I say that I know. I'm ok, I'm sorting it. They have no idea that I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. Coz I don't want to wake up to this again and again. They have no clue that I hurt myself, coz I cant control how you make me feel, and I have to get control back. They never will, because Ill never tell them. And then I feel stupid because I could ask for help, but I wont.
Because I'm so ashamed that I let you treat me this way. I am so ashamed that the kids see you treating me this way. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know where to get the strength from. That strength I used to have before I met you. I'm never going to get that back am I?
Maybe I should just resign myself to it always being this way. But I don't want to. I don't think I ever could, and that gives me the tiniest sliver of hope for myself.
Only problem is, I don't have the strength any more. Don't tell me I have, because I haven't. And what makes it worse, is that I'm going to have to rely on someone else, I'm going to have to ask someone else to support me. Lord knows who, I couldn't possibly fill my family in on all of this, they don't deserve to know. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean that they don't need to worry about me. There isn't anything they could do from where they are, so they don't need to worry about me on top of that.
So again, stuck at square one. Where do I go from here? (And now I'm singing Buffy show tunes.)
Where the hell does one get strength from?
Sunday 2 January 2011
Three Words.
So I signed up for this threewords thing. Some of the answers are quite eye-opening for me. The way that people think of me is mostly nice, and also pretty accurate.
One of the words I got was 'judgemental' and while a lot of people would probably take offence to this, I don't. Because I know full well that I am. I always have been, I judge people usually on face value. I will meet you (online, offline, whatever.) and I will make an immediate decision about you, usually my judgement is spot on, but occasionally I will be wide of the mark. If this does happen then I simply change my mind, I am not that set in my ways and sure of myself that I wont give people a second or even third chance.
Another was 'vulnerable'. This one made me think a lot, because I see myself as a tough, independent, strong person. Someone that people can turn to, someone that doesn't buckle under pressure. Vulnerable was never a word that I would think to apply to myself, but the more I think about it, the more I realise how right this probably is. And for someone to see it in me, shows that I'm not coming over as strong as I think I am. I'm ok with that tho, there is someone in my life now that is making me realise that its ok to be me. That I'm allowed to have some downtime, and not be so ... I cant think of the word, but like, its ok to lean on someone else sometimes. That I don't have to be strong all the time. And most importantly, its ok to let people see that I'm not ok. No-one will think badly of me, or think I'm weak.
This in itself is a revelation to me. Weeell, not really, but it is to my personality. I know that sounds daft, I really do. But I have spent the last half of my life, being the strong one. Ive been the one that doesn't cry, that keeps a level head in situations, that helps others, that doesn't fall apart, the one that has earned a name as a cold-hearted bitch coz I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't show strong emotion and I never have.
I'm slightly different now in as much as emotions go, I used films/TV as my catalysts if you like. If I'm getting frustrated or worked up about something and I need to let it out, Ill watch Armageddon. That film never fails to have me in floods of tears, and although the film is my trigger, the film is rarely what I'm actually crying about. As I watch it, I think about all the things that have upset me, all the things that I need to let go, and I do it while watching that. And if anyone sees/knows, I have "This film is soooo sad!" as my excuse, so no-one knows that I am actually capable of being emotional.
I don't know why I have such an issue about being upset in front of people. Ive always been the same for as long as I can remember. When I was in primary school, we were out in the playground and a football accidentally hit me in the back of the head and slammed my face into a wall, it hurt like fuck and actually made my two front teeth ever so slightly crooked, (I'm still bitter about that, my teeth used to be dead straight!) and I didn't cry coz my mate came into the toilets with me to make sure I was ok.
When my dad passed when I was 14, one RE lesson a few days after (typically) was a discussion on death, and I had to leg it from the room to the toilets again coz I refused to cry in front of anyone. My teacher sent a friend down to check on me and I refused to come out until she had gone. Ive always been the same. I still see crying as a weakness in myself. Not in anyone else tho. I'm not sure that will ever change tbh.
My top word is 'sexy' and as flattering as this is, I just don't see it. I'm not one of those 'oh compliment me while I say I look awful', I'm not saying this so I get told otherwise, I'm saying it coz I genuinely think its true. Majority of the time I have unwashed hair, no make-up and dressed in the nearest clothes I have to hand, I'm more than 3 stone overweight (in MY opinion) and I don't get how this can possibly be described as sexy?! But of course I'm not going to complain as such, I say thankyou because its nice to hear, as much as I disagree!
So all in all, I think this 'venture' was a success. It has certainly given me things to think about. I do consider other peoples opinions of me, even though I don't let them affect me as such, if that makes sense.
I knew that I had to do some work on myself, and this gives me something to go on, so thankyou to anyone that has left me words, and if you haven't, go do it now!
One of the words I got was 'judgemental' and while a lot of people would probably take offence to this, I don't. Because I know full well that I am. I always have been, I judge people usually on face value. I will meet you (online, offline, whatever.) and I will make an immediate decision about you, usually my judgement is spot on, but occasionally I will be wide of the mark. If this does happen then I simply change my mind, I am not that set in my ways and sure of myself that I wont give people a second or even third chance.
Another was 'vulnerable'. This one made me think a lot, because I see myself as a tough, independent, strong person. Someone that people can turn to, someone that doesn't buckle under pressure. Vulnerable was never a word that I would think to apply to myself, but the more I think about it, the more I realise how right this probably is. And for someone to see it in me, shows that I'm not coming over as strong as I think I am. I'm ok with that tho, there is someone in my life now that is making me realise that its ok to be me. That I'm allowed to have some downtime, and not be so ... I cant think of the word, but like, its ok to lean on someone else sometimes. That I don't have to be strong all the time. And most importantly, its ok to let people see that I'm not ok. No-one will think badly of me, or think I'm weak.
This in itself is a revelation to me. Weeell, not really, but it is to my personality. I know that sounds daft, I really do. But I have spent the last half of my life, being the strong one. Ive been the one that doesn't cry, that keeps a level head in situations, that helps others, that doesn't fall apart, the one that has earned a name as a cold-hearted bitch coz I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't show strong emotion and I never have.
I'm slightly different now in as much as emotions go, I used films/TV as my catalysts if you like. If I'm getting frustrated or worked up about something and I need to let it out, Ill watch Armageddon. That film never fails to have me in floods of tears, and although the film is my trigger, the film is rarely what I'm actually crying about. As I watch it, I think about all the things that have upset me, all the things that I need to let go, and I do it while watching that. And if anyone sees/knows, I have "This film is soooo sad!" as my excuse, so no-one knows that I am actually capable of being emotional.
I don't know why I have such an issue about being upset in front of people. Ive always been the same for as long as I can remember. When I was in primary school, we were out in the playground and a football accidentally hit me in the back of the head and slammed my face into a wall, it hurt like fuck and actually made my two front teeth ever so slightly crooked, (I'm still bitter about that, my teeth used to be dead straight!) and I didn't cry coz my mate came into the toilets with me to make sure I was ok.
When my dad passed when I was 14, one RE lesson a few days after (typically) was a discussion on death, and I had to leg it from the room to the toilets again coz I refused to cry in front of anyone. My teacher sent a friend down to check on me and I refused to come out until she had gone. Ive always been the same. I still see crying as a weakness in myself. Not in anyone else tho. I'm not sure that will ever change tbh.
My top word is 'sexy' and as flattering as this is, I just don't see it. I'm not one of those 'oh compliment me while I say I look awful', I'm not saying this so I get told otherwise, I'm saying it coz I genuinely think its true. Majority of the time I have unwashed hair, no make-up and dressed in the nearest clothes I have to hand, I'm more than 3 stone overweight (in MY opinion) and I don't get how this can possibly be described as sexy?! But of course I'm not going to complain as such, I say thankyou because its nice to hear, as much as I disagree!
So all in all, I think this 'venture' was a success. It has certainly given me things to think about. I do consider other peoples opinions of me, even though I don't let them affect me as such, if that makes sense.
I knew that I had to do some work on myself, and this gives me something to go on, so thankyou to anyone that has left me words, and if you haven't, go do it now!
Saturday 1 January 2011
...
How do you tell someone that you may be falling for them, without actually telling them that you may be falling for them?
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