Right now I feel empty but full of emotion. I feel strong but ever so weak. I feel stupid but I know that I'm not. I don't know why I let this happen. I don't know why I cant be stronger.
I don't know why he wont leave me alone. Well, I do. I always cave. I always give him what he asks for but I don't know how to stop that.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for letting him win every damn time.
Hes full of promises that I don't believe. Hes full of apologies that mean nothing. He throws words around like he knows what they mean, yet he has no idea.
I don't know if he has any clue about how he makes me feel. If he has an idea, I know for a fact that he doesn't care. He says he does. What he means is, he will use the words until he gets exactly what he wants, then he will continue to treat everyone around him like dirt.
Right now, I want to break down. I want to sit in a corner and wail and sob. I want to punch the wall and I want to take it out on myself.
Because I'm the only one that can stop this happening.
I want to get completely shitfaced and dance my cares away, pretend nothing is real and my life is perfect.
I want to run away.
I cant do any of these things. I don't have the time for a breakdown. I have a family to look after. I have friends to be there for. I don't get the luxury of being able to collapse and give up.
I honestly don't know where to turn. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I know its been going on for far too long and as the old cliche goes, I want to get off.
But I cant find the stop button.
I don't think there is one for me.
Friday 21 October 2011
Saturday 8 October 2011
Dictation
So last night I was chatting away to myself, as I do (its not as weird as it sounds .. ), and I decided that my chats would make good blog posts. So decided to dictate to myself, using the voice recorder on the phone. Here it is!
Ive just watched Educating Essex, and at the moment I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, because I have absolutely no idea. I mean, Id love to something to do with photography but I know that if that even happens, that it would take a while. I'm not going to be able to just buy a camera and suddenly jump into being a successful photographer so I'm going to have to look at something more realistic. Obviously if I do end up in that sort of thing then brilliant, but very unlikely to happen. I think my best bet with that would be to join a camera club. Ive found one that meets nearby in our local library so will look into that. They meet of an evening though, 8-10pm so would obviously need a regular sitter so we'll see.
Like I said, I have just watched Educating Essex, and the thought of being a teaching assistant has just flashed through my mind. This is very scary, as I don't like children. Really kinda hate kids. I just genuinely don't know what I want to do.
Ive been thinking of doing a degree, possibly thinking of doing an open degree with the Open University but it kinda depends on how long its would take me. I mean, if its going to take like, 6 years then there's no point, its too long. I have more time now, with the kids being in school/nursery, but once Molly turns 5 in 18 months, I am required by law to get, or at least look for, a job. I don't know if I would be still allowed to study. Its all pretty confusing. Don't get me wrong, I will want to work, but I want to be able to get a better job than an 'entry level' one, or at least have some quals. and skills behind me to have the option to.
I feel that what I'm doing now, is what I 'should' have been doing at 18. But because I didn't go to 6th form, because I left after my GCSEs and went to work in the stables, and did qualifications towards teaching, that I haven't decided what it is I want to do. Thing is, the stables/teaching really isn't an option right now. Because I didn't get the full teaching qualifications, I would have to go back and train, and that's just not possible. It wouldn't be easy to work out around the kids. And they would end up missing out on a lot of stuff, and I would end up missing out on them and if that was ever going to be an option, Id have gone back to the stables a long time ago. But I want to see them grow up and help them do that as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Otherwise things would be different and they're not. They are the way they are.
I need to try and work it out. The counselling is still an option. I'm not sure how it all works though, I need to sit down for an hour or two and work it out. Id love to study, Id love to have the vocation, Id love to have somewhere to go in my life. I don't just want to work in a supermarket, not that there is anything wrong with that job of course, but I don't just want a 'job'. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I love doing, that I can put all my effort into. Maybe that just wont happen, maybe I will be sat behind a till for the rest of my life and if that's the case then Ill have to find other ways to find fulfillment in my life.
If I actually do want to travel when the kids have grown up, like I have said I am going to do for years, then I'm going to have to make enough money to put some aside to save for that purpose. I want the kids to have everything they want. And if Ive just got some crappy job then its highly unlikely that Ill be able to do that for them, and that's not fair, its not their fault.
So this is where I am right now I'm trying to work out what it is I'm good at, what I enjoy and what I want to do. I keep coming back to the OU, I think that might just be my best bet. But I think I need to speak to someone about it, because I just don't have a bloody clue.
I just don't know, I really don't know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I enjoy doing, I cant remember! I love biology but where would I go with that?
At the OU, they offer a degree in counselling, but I need to sit down, probably for a couple hours, and figure out what I'm going to do and then make a start, because sitting here talking about is just well, its not getting me anywhere. I should never have taken that counselling course that I completely bailed on. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't ready for it. It shouldn't have been done, but it was and I have to sort it.
I need to sit down, concentrate and I need to read up. Then I need to get the ball rolling.
So yeah, my plan for now is to read, and figure out how I can do this counselling. I think that's what I want to do. I'm fairly sure that's what I want.
So wish me luck kids. Because I am amazing at procrastinating, as you all know. Today is a new day blah blah. You know how it goes.
Ive just watched Educating Essex, and at the moment I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, because I have absolutely no idea. I mean, Id love to something to do with photography but I know that if that even happens, that it would take a while. I'm not going to be able to just buy a camera and suddenly jump into being a successful photographer so I'm going to have to look at something more realistic. Obviously if I do end up in that sort of thing then brilliant, but very unlikely to happen. I think my best bet with that would be to join a camera club. Ive found one that meets nearby in our local library so will look into that. They meet of an evening though, 8-10pm so would obviously need a regular sitter so we'll see.
Like I said, I have just watched Educating Essex, and the thought of being a teaching assistant has just flashed through my mind. This is very scary, as I don't like children. Really kinda hate kids. I just genuinely don't know what I want to do.
Ive been thinking of doing a degree, possibly thinking of doing an open degree with the Open University but it kinda depends on how long its would take me. I mean, if its going to take like, 6 years then there's no point, its too long. I have more time now, with the kids being in school/nursery, but once Molly turns 5 in 18 months, I am required by law to get, or at least look for, a job. I don't know if I would be still allowed to study. Its all pretty confusing. Don't get me wrong, I will want to work, but I want to be able to get a better job than an 'entry level' one, or at least have some quals. and skills behind me to have the option to.
I feel that what I'm doing now, is what I 'should' have been doing at 18. But because I didn't go to 6th form, because I left after my GCSEs and went to work in the stables, and did qualifications towards teaching, that I haven't decided what it is I want to do. Thing is, the stables/teaching really isn't an option right now. Because I didn't get the full teaching qualifications, I would have to go back and train, and that's just not possible. It wouldn't be easy to work out around the kids. And they would end up missing out on a lot of stuff, and I would end up missing out on them and if that was ever going to be an option, Id have gone back to the stables a long time ago. But I want to see them grow up and help them do that as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Otherwise things would be different and they're not. They are the way they are.
I need to try and work it out. The counselling is still an option. I'm not sure how it all works though, I need to sit down for an hour or two and work it out. Id love to study, Id love to have the vocation, Id love to have somewhere to go in my life. I don't just want to work in a supermarket, not that there is anything wrong with that job of course, but I don't just want a 'job'. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I love doing, that I can put all my effort into. Maybe that just wont happen, maybe I will be sat behind a till for the rest of my life and if that's the case then Ill have to find other ways to find fulfillment in my life.
If I actually do want to travel when the kids have grown up, like I have said I am going to do for years, then I'm going to have to make enough money to put some aside to save for that purpose. I want the kids to have everything they want. And if Ive just got some crappy job then its highly unlikely that Ill be able to do that for them, and that's not fair, its not their fault.
So this is where I am right now I'm trying to work out what it is I'm good at, what I enjoy and what I want to do. I keep coming back to the OU, I think that might just be my best bet. But I think I need to speak to someone about it, because I just don't have a bloody clue.
I just don't know, I really don't know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I enjoy doing, I cant remember! I love biology but where would I go with that?
At the OU, they offer a degree in counselling, but I need to sit down, probably for a couple hours, and figure out what I'm going to do and then make a start, because sitting here talking about is just well, its not getting me anywhere. I should never have taken that counselling course that I completely bailed on. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't ready for it. It shouldn't have been done, but it was and I have to sort it.
I need to sit down, concentrate and I need to read up. Then I need to get the ball rolling.
So yeah, my plan for now is to read, and figure out how I can do this counselling. I think that's what I want to do. I'm fairly sure that's what I want.
So wish me luck kids. Because I am amazing at procrastinating, as you all know. Today is a new day blah blah. You know how it goes.
Saturday 1 October 2011
Crashing
This morning I woke up groggy. I went to sleep finally around 2am, kept waking up, had very odd dreams and was woken up at 7:11am by a small child needing me to help her downstairs.
Despite that, my mood wasn't terrible. I went back to bed and dozed for a while, but again kept getting woken up by the kids. Which of course I cant blame them as they're younger and cant get they're own cereal etc.
I got up, sorted my coffee and stuff, had breakfast, did some housework and listened/read about Liverpool beating Everton 2-0. And I was tired, but fine.
Then all of a sudden, around an hour or so ago, I just suddenly felt really down. (I don't want to use the word depressed, because I think that should be used in its correct context.) I have no reason for this mood crash that I can think of. I didn't have an argument, nothing happened to cause this. I was just, all of a sudden, wanting to go and lie on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry. Maybe if I did that I would feel better. But I cant.
Those small people that woke me up this morning are still around playing. I cant just go have a little breakdown because it would upset them terribly. I simply don't have the time.
I'm trying to think of what might be making me feel this way. What it is that's not letting me be happy. These mood crashes come so regularly to me now but then I seem to lighten up just as quickly. This does worry me a little but I know that I'm not happy with my life the way it is.
I'm not happy with where I live, although I am grateful that I actually have somewhere to live. I'm not happy about being alone, except I would rather be alone and unhappy, than be with unhappy with someone. I'm not happy with myself, the way I look and the way I feel about that. There are other things that I have to work on to change about myself, my attitude and my outlook, I know that. But would my emotions not give me a bit of a break in the meantime?
There is one thing that keeps popping into my mind but that's only from today, it wouldn't really explain previous mood crashes. October 30th will be the 17th anniversary of my dad dying. Hes been gone 3 years longer than I got to be with him, and even this much later, it hurts more than anything ever has. I miss him more now than ever and I wish he was still here. I need him.
But I cant blame this on that, it was so long ago. Yeah I miss him, but I cant let that affect me so much. I don't know, maybe I never really got over it.
I don't know about much of this right now to be honest.
All I want to do now is to find some really sad film and cry the mood out.
I hope it helps because this is exhausting me.
Despite that, my mood wasn't terrible. I went back to bed and dozed for a while, but again kept getting woken up by the kids. Which of course I cant blame them as they're younger and cant get they're own cereal etc.
I got up, sorted my coffee and stuff, had breakfast, did some housework and listened/read about Liverpool beating Everton 2-0. And I was tired, but fine.
Then all of a sudden, around an hour or so ago, I just suddenly felt really down. (I don't want to use the word depressed, because I think that should be used in its correct context.) I have no reason for this mood crash that I can think of. I didn't have an argument, nothing happened to cause this. I was just, all of a sudden, wanting to go and lie on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry. Maybe if I did that I would feel better. But I cant.
Those small people that woke me up this morning are still around playing. I cant just go have a little breakdown because it would upset them terribly. I simply don't have the time.
I'm trying to think of what might be making me feel this way. What it is that's not letting me be happy. These mood crashes come so regularly to me now but then I seem to lighten up just as quickly. This does worry me a little but I know that I'm not happy with my life the way it is.
I'm not happy with where I live, although I am grateful that I actually have somewhere to live. I'm not happy about being alone, except I would rather be alone and unhappy, than be with unhappy with someone. I'm not happy with myself, the way I look and the way I feel about that. There are other things that I have to work on to change about myself, my attitude and my outlook, I know that. But would my emotions not give me a bit of a break in the meantime?
There is one thing that keeps popping into my mind but that's only from today, it wouldn't really explain previous mood crashes. October 30th will be the 17th anniversary of my dad dying. Hes been gone 3 years longer than I got to be with him, and even this much later, it hurts more than anything ever has. I miss him more now than ever and I wish he was still here. I need him.
But I cant blame this on that, it was so long ago. Yeah I miss him, but I cant let that affect me so much. I don't know, maybe I never really got over it.
I don't know about much of this right now to be honest.
All I want to do now is to find some really sad film and cry the mood out.
I hope it helps because this is exhausting me.
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