This day, 18 years ago, I saw my dad for the last time ever. If you've read the previous posts then you will know this. You will also know just how cut up I have been.
But I've been thinking. My dad always wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to do good things and to live my life in a good way. He wouldn't have wanted me to be moping around (even if for good reason) being sad. He would've wanted me to embrace life and enjoy it. He would've wanted to be proud of me, proud of what I have accomplished and what I still have yet to do.
So today I am going to make a conscious effort to do that. And I'll do that in his memory, and I'll do it for him.
I have spent far too long and wasted far too much time just talking about things that I want to do and never actually doing them. A lot of my life is pretty shit, but I've let it get that way. I'm the only one that can change it.
So that is what I am going to do. Positivity will reign. Things will change. Procrastination will be a thing of the past (except on Sundays) and I will make a proper go of this life.
I do wish I had done more up to now, but I haven't and I can't change the past, all I can have control of is my future, and that future will be good. I want my dad to be proud of me, I want my kids to have someone to look up to, someone they could aspire to be like even. I want them to know that working hard to get where and what you want is a great thing. I want them to want more. I want them to realise the mistakes that I made, and realise that they can learn from mine and be better, do more, BE more.
See, that's what my dad would've taught them too. He'd have made the best grandad in the world, and he would've doted on my kids and my niece and nephew. Sadly that opportunity will never come about, so instead we will do things in his name, in his honour. And I will talk about him with happiness and animation.
They already miss him, even though they never had the chance to actually meet him. I'm glad they miss him, because that means they have an idea of how amazing he was.
But I digress, my point, is that things are going to change. Again.
I'm going to be the girl that my dad would be the most proud of.
Monday 29 October 2012
Friday 26 October 2012
My dad
It's been about 18 weeks since I last posted here. It would've been less but every time I read the last post I made, I ended up in bits and had to go and distract myself.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.
Sunday 17 June 2012
Fathers Day
I have started this post about 6 times. I keep writing a starting line and then deleting it because it just didn't seem like what I wanted to say.
Today is Fathers day. I do not 'celebrate' this day. I would prefer that this day didn't actually exist any more.
I lost my dad to skin cancer on the 30th October 1994. I was 14. He's been gone now, longer than I ever knew him.
I remember the last day that I saw him. He was in a Marie Curie hospice. I didn't really know what one was at the time, but anyways, I didn't actually want to go and see him. I didn't want to see him sick in a hospital bed, but my mum made us.
I remember walking in to the room and seeing him and immediately wanting to turn around and run away. That wasn't my dad, but at the same time it was. I didn't do that though. Instead I smiled and said hello, and then I locked myself in the bathroom for five minutes and cried harder than I ever had in my life. And then I stopped and I unlocked the door, took a deep breath and walked out. I went and sat down on the edge of my dads bed and held his hand. He wasn't strong enough to even speak anymore by this point so I had to do all the talking.
I told him about school, and about my horse-riding. I told him what I;'d been doing with my friends. And I told him I loved him. I spoke to him as if he was fine, as if he would be able to answer me, as if we were having a two-way conversation. I don't know how long we sat with me talking and holding his hand and looking at the incredible sadness in his eyes but too soon, it was time to go.
I had to say goodbye to my dad, to the greatest, most amazing man I had ever known, and I had to say goodbye. Knowing that it was probably for the last time ever. He was so, so ill. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. He mouthed back "I love you too." and I walked out of his room, promising to come back soon.
The next day I woke my mum up to get ready to go to the stables and she told me that my dad had passed away at around 2am that morning. I just said 'Ok. I'm going to go and get ready.' and I did. I went to the stables as usual and I said nothing. Not even to my best friend. Not until later that afternoon when she asked how he was. I think I just said 'He's gone.' I ended up being the one comforting her.
I didn't cry. Not once. Until the funeral. I didn't ride in the relatives car and I didn't sit at the front. I couldn't. I remember the vicar saying to me, as we were leaving, 'Nice to meet you, hope to say you again soon.' and all I could think was 'I bloody hope not, the only time I've met you is when my parent has died so I'd rather that didn't happen again.'.
That was nearly 18 years ago now, and I remember those parts like it was yesterday. Its funny what you remember.
I don't remember his laugh. I sometimes get flashes of what his voice sounded like but I can't just think and remember it. I'm not sure if memories are of things happening, or just what I remember from photos.
When you're 14, you don't think that you're going to need to remember these little details. You don't think that the most important man in your life, that should be there for you for as long as you need him, is going to be slowly ripped away from you, that you're going to see him deteriorate, and turn in to a shell of the man he used to be. When you're 14, you think you're going to have all the time in the world.
You think that amazing man is going to walk you down the aisle one day. He's going to be an awesome grandad. He's going to grow old and tell silly stories about the time he slipped and fell in the river.
You take him for granted.
At that age, nothing bad happening would ever cross your mind.
I wish it had, so I could have appreciated him more. I could have told him more times that I love him.
I miss him so much it physically hurts. I miss him more now than I did then because now I understand that gravitas of what he is missing out on.
Please, please, if you have your dads or even your grandads, and you love them, tell them.
Tell them as often as you can. Don't ever take your parents for granted. You really never know when they may not be there to hear it.
Happy fathers day Dad. Wherever you are, I still, and always will, love you with all of my heart xx
My mind
Its 4:22am and I haven't slept yet. I'm sitting in my bed, listening to The Offspring, drinking tea and eating biscuits. It's getting light outside. I can hear birds singing. But I don't want to sleep and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I kind of hope that I don't wake up. I don't want 'tomorrow' to come. I didn't even want to come to bed, but thought I'd best had, seeing as it was like, 3 o'clock in the morning. I don't know. I just ... I think, I feel like I'm losing things. I'm losing it and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go for help. But I do know I can't do this on my own. And I don't know what to do.
Today is Fathers day. And I've never needed my dad more than I do right now, but he's not here and he never will be. I want someone to hold me, and just tell me that everything's going to be ok. And to help me.
I'm just so lost.
So very lost.
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Am I ready ... ?
Well hello. Its been a while huh? So things have changed since January. There have been many ups and downs, but for the most part, I am achieving what it was that I planned. (Not as quickly as I would have liked but I could've tried harder.)
Things have been difficult. I've been struggling for a couple months, but I am on the up and out of it now. Over the last few weeks, things have been improving and I have been getting back on track. I'm back at the gym, I'm eating better and generally taking back the control that I let go of.
The only thing that is bothering me, and I hate that it is, is my massive lack of love life! Don't get me wrong, there is no part of me that *needs* a bloke (ok, maybe a small part but we won't go there, literally or figuratively!), but it would be nice occasionally have someone that's slightly more interested in more than just a few one-nighters.
This isn't a new thing, its something that's been going on for as long as I can remember. Admittedly my persona and attitude probably gives the impression that that is all I am interested in, but it would be nice to occasionally have the option ya know?
I'm pretty much the only single one out of all of my friends. Not that they ever leave me out or anything, but its hard when you're the gooseberry, even if it is only in my head.
The closest I've ever been to a long-term relationship was 7 years. You would consider that a long-term thing, if it wasn't for about the last 5 years of that, I was more of a carer to an alcoholic than a gf to someone that loved me. He proposed after about 6 months, I accepted because he was ok then. I didn't get a ring until about 6 years later, when he was already sleeping with the woman that he ended up leaving me for. And I didn't even wear it on my finger, I had it on a necklace. So that was nice.
I just always seem to be the girl that guys want to sleep with (which is flattering of course) but they never want anything more. Like I said, maybe its me, maybe my walls are too thick.
It all just makes me feel that I am never going to find someone. That I'm going to end up on my own. That no-one is going to persevere enough with me to get through. I don;t know, I'm rambling now, as usual.
Maybe I'm ready for an actual real life relationship? The very thought of that scares me though. I've never been completely open with anybody ever. I actually don't know if I'm capable! But considering the alternative, maybe I should give it a try. 'Singledom' isn't always all its cracked up to be.
Its just that its a very lonely life when its all you've known.
Things have been difficult. I've been struggling for a couple months, but I am on the up and out of it now. Over the last few weeks, things have been improving and I have been getting back on track. I'm back at the gym, I'm eating better and generally taking back the control that I let go of.
The only thing that is bothering me, and I hate that it is, is my massive lack of love life! Don't get me wrong, there is no part of me that *needs* a bloke (ok, maybe a small part but we won't go there, literally or figuratively!), but it would be nice occasionally have someone that's slightly more interested in more than just a few one-nighters.
This isn't a new thing, its something that's been going on for as long as I can remember. Admittedly my persona and attitude probably gives the impression that that is all I am interested in, but it would be nice to occasionally have the option ya know?
I'm pretty much the only single one out of all of my friends. Not that they ever leave me out or anything, but its hard when you're the gooseberry, even if it is only in my head.
The closest I've ever been to a long-term relationship was 7 years. You would consider that a long-term thing, if it wasn't for about the last 5 years of that, I was more of a carer to an alcoholic than a gf to someone that loved me. He proposed after about 6 months, I accepted because he was ok then. I didn't get a ring until about 6 years later, when he was already sleeping with the woman that he ended up leaving me for. And I didn't even wear it on my finger, I had it on a necklace. So that was nice.
I just always seem to be the girl that guys want to sleep with (which is flattering of course) but they never want anything more. Like I said, maybe its me, maybe my walls are too thick.
It all just makes me feel that I am never going to find someone. That I'm going to end up on my own. That no-one is going to persevere enough with me to get through. I don;t know, I'm rambling now, as usual.
Maybe I'm ready for an actual real life relationship? The very thought of that scares me though. I've never been completely open with anybody ever. I actually don't know if I'm capable! But considering the alternative, maybe I should give it a try. 'Singledom' isn't always all its cracked up to be.
Its just that its a very lonely life when its all you've known.
Thursday 5 January 2012
New Year, New Start?
I say a resounding 'YESSS'. I know, everyone says this every year, and every year nothing changes. "I'll lose weight.", "I'll save more money.", "I'll change my attitude towards x and y." and everything stays the same. I have been guilty of this on way more than one occasion believe me. I've had more resolutions than I care to remember.
Not this year though. This year, 5 days in, and I'm already different. Its not something that I feel I have physically worked at. I haven;t given anything up, or the opposite, taken anything up. I haven't consciously changed my lifestyle. But I feel different. I feel better. I feel happy. Yes, that says happy.
It actually started on New Years eve. I went to town with one of my best mates who was staying with me, and I was ready early. And then, in the evening, I was ready early again. Now I know how tiny and insignificant this must sound, but previously, I seemed to be incapable of being anywhere anything other than late. So being early twice in one day is a massive achievement for me!
I also had one of the best New Years that I've had in a very long time. Just went to my local pub, but it was really quiet (surprisingly). This is a good thing as it meant that we didn't have to wait half an hour at the bar to get a drink! I was surrounded by some of my very favourite people in the whole world, although a few were missed terribly too, and I even knew the bar staff so even going to the bar was fun. (Sadly didn't get any midnight kisses but I plan on making up for that this year!)
New Years day was the most eye-opening for me. I woke up, expecting to be hungover to death, considering the amount of beer and sambuca that I had consumed, but I was in the best mood that I have been in for a long-ass time. I'm talking years. I was Tigger. I was excited and bouncy and chatty and really annoying! But it was so awesome. For the first time in ages, in fact, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was truly happy. I don;t have the easiest life, but I am so lucky. I'm healthy, I have the best friends and family, I have a roof over my head and I am making a start to change my life for the better. On the flipside, I'm skint, I owe bills, my washing machine is broken and my flat looks like Hamleys fought Christmas then threw up but these things are all trivial. These things are all things that I can fix easily. The important things are there.
I've been in a variation of this bouncy mood for the last 5 days. And if you have read any of this blog aside from this post, then you will know how huge this is for me! I was the epitome of a miserable cow, and I'm sure that I will still have my moments, but I've decided that I am not going to be miserable unless I have a damn good reason for it. For one thing, its no fun! And for another, being miserable doesn't change anything. It won't pay bills or fix my washing machine, only actions will do that. I may as well just get on with it and be happy.This has all stemmed from a line from a TV show that I watch (Chase. FYI, they need to uncan this, I loved it!), which was:
I feel stronger already. More confident. More 'me'. And it just gives me more strength. Don't get me wrong, being brave is scary as hell, but its worth it. Its definitely worth it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES!!
Not this year though. This year, 5 days in, and I'm already different. Its not something that I feel I have physically worked at. I haven;t given anything up, or the opposite, taken anything up. I haven't consciously changed my lifestyle. But I feel different. I feel better. I feel happy. Yes, that says happy.
It actually started on New Years eve. I went to town with one of my best mates who was staying with me, and I was ready early. And then, in the evening, I was ready early again. Now I know how tiny and insignificant this must sound, but previously, I seemed to be incapable of being anywhere anything other than late. So being early twice in one day is a massive achievement for me!
I also had one of the best New Years that I've had in a very long time. Just went to my local pub, but it was really quiet (surprisingly). This is a good thing as it meant that we didn't have to wait half an hour at the bar to get a drink! I was surrounded by some of my very favourite people in the whole world, although a few were missed terribly too, and I even knew the bar staff so even going to the bar was fun. (Sadly didn't get any midnight kisses but I plan on making up for that this year!)
New Years day was the most eye-opening for me. I woke up, expecting to be hungover to death, considering the amount of beer and sambuca that I had consumed, but I was in the best mood that I have been in for a long-ass time. I'm talking years. I was Tigger. I was excited and bouncy and chatty and really annoying! But it was so awesome. For the first time in ages, in fact, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was truly happy. I don;t have the easiest life, but I am so lucky. I'm healthy, I have the best friends and family, I have a roof over my head and I am making a start to change my life for the better. On the flipside, I'm skint, I owe bills, my washing machine is broken and my flat looks like Hamleys fought Christmas then threw up but these things are all trivial. These things are all things that I can fix easily. The important things are there.
I've been in a variation of this bouncy mood for the last 5 days. And if you have read any of this blog aside from this post, then you will know how huge this is for me! I was the epitome of a miserable cow, and I'm sure that I will still have my moments, but I've decided that I am not going to be miserable unless I have a damn good reason for it. For one thing, its no fun! And for another, being miserable doesn't change anything. It won't pay bills or fix my washing machine, only actions will do that. I may as well just get on with it and be happy.This has all stemmed from a line from a TV show that I watch (Chase. FYI, they need to uncan this, I loved it!), which was:
"Don't let fear hold you back from something you want. Just close your eyes and make the leap."This 'spoke' to me. I rewound the epi and listened to this about 10 times. Its true. I have missed out on so much because I was too scared. And its ridiculous. That is not going to be me anymore. I mean, whats the worst that can happen? Someone may say no, or someone may laugh. But so what? As long as I know that I have done all that I can to get what I want then I'll get over it.
I feel stronger already. More confident. More 'me'. And it just gives me more strength. Don't get me wrong, being brave is scary as hell, but its worth it. Its definitely worth it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES!!
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