Well hello. Its been a while huh? So things have changed since January. There have been many ups and downs, but for the most part, I am achieving what it was that I planned. (Not as quickly as I would have liked but I could've tried harder.)
Things have been difficult. I've been struggling for a couple months, but I am on the up and out of it now. Over the last few weeks, things have been improving and I have been getting back on track. I'm back at the gym, I'm eating better and generally taking back the control that I let go of.
The only thing that is bothering me, and I hate that it is, is my massive lack of love life! Don't get me wrong, there is no part of me that *needs* a bloke (ok, maybe a small part but we won't go there, literally or figuratively!), but it would be nice occasionally have someone that's slightly more interested in more than just a few one-nighters.
This isn't a new thing, its something that's been going on for as long as I can remember. Admittedly my persona and attitude probably gives the impression that that is all I am interested in, but it would be nice to occasionally have the option ya know?
I'm pretty much the only single one out of all of my friends. Not that they ever leave me out or anything, but its hard when you're the gooseberry, even if it is only in my head.
The closest I've ever been to a long-term relationship was 7 years. You would consider that a long-term thing, if it wasn't for about the last 5 years of that, I was more of a carer to an alcoholic than a gf to someone that loved me. He proposed after about 6 months, I accepted because he was ok then. I didn't get a ring until about 6 years later, when he was already sleeping with the woman that he ended up leaving me for. And I didn't even wear it on my finger, I had it on a necklace. So that was nice.
I just always seem to be the girl that guys want to sleep with (which is flattering of course) but they never want anything more. Like I said, maybe its me, maybe my walls are too thick.
It all just makes me feel that I am never going to find someone. That I'm going to end up on my own. That no-one is going to persevere enough with me to get through. I don;t know, I'm rambling now, as usual.
Maybe I'm ready for an actual real life relationship? The very thought of that scares me though. I've never been completely open with anybody ever. I actually don't know if I'm capable! But considering the alternative, maybe I should give it a try. 'Singledom' isn't always all its cracked up to be.
Its just that its a very lonely life when its all you've known.
