Ok, I admit it. I'm lonely as fuck. I play the strong, independent ‘I don’t need a man’ type and it’s true, I don’t *need* a man. But I want one.
I want someone that I can call when
I'm feeling lonely or happy or scared to watch a horror film. Someone that I can cook for and take care of. But not all the time. Because I want to be taken care of too. But again, not all the time.
I want someone to be silly with. To have play fights and play board games. To go and do new things together like archery or pottery.
I want someone that cares enough to fight for what they believe in, even if that means fighting with me. And then I want someone that I can make up with afterwards. I want passion and romance and giggles. I want someone that I can make memories with.
I want someone that can hold me when I'm sad and not try and cheer me up, because sometimes I just need to be sad. Someone that understands that I sometimes need to be alone, or that I need my girlfriends.
Most of all I want someone that wants all those things too. Someone that wants me for me. Not someone who wants me-but-slightly-different. Don’t try to change me.
The only problem that I have with all of this, is that I just can’t help but think that I probably want too much.
Monday 4 February 2013
Sunday 13 January 2013
10 years
I hate being this weak. For 10 years you have abused me. You never hit me, not once. What you did was worse. Little by little you undermined me. You made me feel stupid and unimportant. Your needs came first, always.
For 10 years you have treated me like I was beneath you, like I didn't matter. You used me.
Yes we had some good times, but they were always on your terms.
In 2001, I made the worst decision of my life, I called you. After two months, you moved in because your mum had kicked you out of the house. That should've been my first clue.
Stupidly I thought I could fix you. I always was a sucker for a lost cause.
In 2002 came the next stupid decision, when I agreed to move to another country with you. That was when the destruction really started. It was fun at first, a release from the normal mundanity. But then it became a way of life. When the rest of us realised we had responsibilities, you carried on like you had none.
You walked away from your child. That should've been my next clue.
Oh you had all of the excuses, and I believed them. I was stupid and naive.
I should've spoken up. But you made sure that I couldn't, that I didn't have the confidence to think that anyone would believe me. Or that they would have had a 'you made your bed' mentality.
I thought I could handle it all by myself, that I could fix it all.
I know now that I never even had a chance.
You said you loved me. You don't know what the word means. I don't think you ever will.
Now, 10 years later, you still had me under your control all this time. You belittled me and harassed me that much, that I was still scared of you. Still scared of what you could do to hurt me. I knew that I was in the right, that there was nothing you could do, yet I was still scared.
Until you have been in the position that I have been in, people don't understand. They think its a case of 'Just say no', or 'Don't let him get to you'. Do you not think that if it was/is that simple, that that is exactly what I would have done?
It's not that easy to stand up to someone that has basically controlled you for so many years.
But I feel different now. I feel stronger. You are inferior. You're an inferior human and I will not let you bring me down, bring my children down, anymore.
We deserve better than you. We always have, but I feel able to back that up now.
I don't know what's changed, I don't know what's different. Maybe it's just a case of enough is enough, but I am done crying. I'm done damaging myself emotionally because of your failures.
You are a failure. You've failed your children, your parents and you've failed at your life. I don't know if you'll ever get that back. I no longer care.
Stay away from me. You're no longer important, not even as the father of my daughters. I have no respect for you and I never will again.
You are dead to me.
For 10 years you have treated me like I was beneath you, like I didn't matter. You used me.
Yes we had some good times, but they were always on your terms.
In 2001, I made the worst decision of my life, I called you. After two months, you moved in because your mum had kicked you out of the house. That should've been my first clue.
Stupidly I thought I could fix you. I always was a sucker for a lost cause.
In 2002 came the next stupid decision, when I agreed to move to another country with you. That was when the destruction really started. It was fun at first, a release from the normal mundanity. But then it became a way of life. When the rest of us realised we had responsibilities, you carried on like you had none.
You walked away from your child. That should've been my next clue.
Oh you had all of the excuses, and I believed them. I was stupid and naive.
I should've spoken up. But you made sure that I couldn't, that I didn't have the confidence to think that anyone would believe me. Or that they would have had a 'you made your bed' mentality.
I thought I could handle it all by myself, that I could fix it all.
I know now that I never even had a chance.
You said you loved me. You don't know what the word means. I don't think you ever will.
Now, 10 years later, you still had me under your control all this time. You belittled me and harassed me that much, that I was still scared of you. Still scared of what you could do to hurt me. I knew that I was in the right, that there was nothing you could do, yet I was still scared.
Until you have been in the position that I have been in, people don't understand. They think its a case of 'Just say no', or 'Don't let him get to you'. Do you not think that if it was/is that simple, that that is exactly what I would have done?
It's not that easy to stand up to someone that has basically controlled you for so many years.
But I feel different now. I feel stronger. You are inferior. You're an inferior human and I will not let you bring me down, bring my children down, anymore.
We deserve better than you. We always have, but I feel able to back that up now.
I don't know what's changed, I don't know what's different. Maybe it's just a case of enough is enough, but I am done crying. I'm done damaging myself emotionally because of your failures.
You are a failure. You've failed your children, your parents and you've failed at your life. I don't know if you'll ever get that back. I no longer care.
Stay away from me. You're no longer important, not even as the father of my daughters. I have no respect for you and I never will again.
You are dead to me.
Tuesday 8 January 2013
Needs
I want, no ... I *need* a relationship that doesn't take itself too seriously.
No pressure. No expectations. Just take each day as it comes and see how things go.
I don't want to make plans, not for a while anyways. I don't want to talk about the future.
Is that wrong? Should I wanting to settle down and get all serious? Do I have to do that? Because I don't think that I am ever going to want to do that.
I just want to have fun, and date, and enjoy things.
I just want to have fun.
No pressure. No expectations. Just take each day as it comes and see how things go.
I don't want to make plans, not for a while anyways. I don't want to talk about the future.
Is that wrong? Should I wanting to settle down and get all serious? Do I have to do that? Because I don't think that I am ever going to want to do that.
I just want to have fun, and date, and enjoy things.
I just want to have fun.
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