I miss ...

I miss so much.
I miss being touched. I miss having someone touch me so gently, it seems they're afraid I might break. I miss having someone whisper in my ear how beautiful they think I am, and how good they think we are together.
I miss being cuddled, like its the most important thing in the world to be in that persons arms, right at that very moment.
I miss being kissed, like its an alternative to breathing, like if they stop, so will life itself.
I miss laughing with someone. Finding the exact same things funny, or just hearing things that people say and giving each other that look that means you both heard something entirely different and you'll share it another time.
I miss the closeness that comes with the realisation that at that time, there is only one person in the world that you want to be with.
I miss the feeling of skin on skin. Touching their body with mine,, becoming like one.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss the texts and messages and phone calls, just to say hello. Or to tell you that they love you. I also miss feeling needed. When they have a bad day and you're the only thing in the world that will make them feel better.
I miss being held, its different to being cuddled, when I'm upset or down. Feeling safe. Feeling protected.
I miss arguments and fights. I miss feeling so passionate about something, with someone, but you're so secure that you know you can say what you need to say without the fear of it breaking what you have.
I miss making up afterwards. The angry but loving togetherness that ultimately leaves you both exhausted but so incredibly satisfied.
I miss the talking. The most random subjects that can have you agreeing so much that you finish each others sentences then in the same breath, having such opposing opinions on a subject that it makes you wonder how you even ended up talking about it.
I miss holding hands. That simple yet so incredibly intimate gesture of you having your fingers entwined in each others. Stroking the back of their hand with your thumb, which makes them know that you're still thinking about them even though they're not your full focus of attention.
I miss so much, but most of all I miss loving, and being loved in return.

That's what I miss the most.

Reflection

I have another blog where I talk about weight loss and becoming more healthy. Since I've started talking about losing weight, people have told me that I'm just fine the way I am. That guys like 'curvy' women, and that I'm not fat.
Truth is, I am fat, and I am unhealthy. I am overweight for my height and my frame, and I eat unhealthy food way more often than I should.
It doesn't matter to me what guys may like, good for them. But just as I don't find every single guy in the world attractive, then it stands to reason, that not every guy in the world likes 'curvy' girls.
I am currently a size 16. I am currently very unhappy with my size and shape.
I have a mirror in my hall that I look away from every time I walk past it to get to the bathroom. Occasionally I will get undressed to my underwear and look at myself from all angles. Not in many years have I ever done that and thought that I looked in the slightest bit attractive.
Adding to that thought, I genuinely cannot see how anyone else could look at me and think that I was beautiful from head to toe. I know that I have a pretty face, but that's not difficult. (Oddly enough I like my wrists and my ankles, because they never get fat.) I never feel beautiful though.
There was once, just over a year ago, with this one guy. He has been the only one that has made me feel truly beautiful. That was for like, two days. I've not really spoken about him here, (I've just skimmed through a load of old posts because I could have sworn I had mentioned him at some point but I cant find anything about him.) he was the guy that I lost a friend over.
He was seeing a mate of mine a while ago, they were at breakup point and we were developing feelings for each other. Something happened and they ended up staying together which of course meant that whatever was between us had to be forgotten.
I still wonder 'what if?', and I guess a part of me misses him because we got on so incredibly well. Talked to him about things that I've never spoken to anyone else about, but then all of a sudden he was gone because we couldn't be ... I don't know, whatever we were going to be. That actually hurt like hell. I was already completely messed up over all sorts of other things and that was just the icing on the cake.
I know if we had have gotten together, it would have been amazing, for a while. And then we would have hit the mutual self destruct button and it would have ended up a complete car crash. That's a perfect analogy, we would have had a total car crash relationship. We were far too alike, personality, sense of humour, so many things were the same. He was like a male version of me. Except he was gorgeous. But yeah, he was the only guy in many years that made me feel good about myself, about the way I looked. But then in essence, he left me too. Like everyone else does.
When I was younger, I was a size 8 - 10. I was fit and I was toned and I had a cracking body. You could easily see my abs and I had arms and shoulders like an American footballer and I loved it. I loved how strong I was. I loved that I was stronger than most of the guys I knew. I didn't work for any of this and my diet was awful. That was when I did eat, which wasn't often! My job at the stables was very physical, lots of heavy lifting and constantly on my feet being busy with various jobs so the body came naturally.
I want that back. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
This is not a post that's looking for people to tell me that I'm not that bad, or that people like me the way I am because like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for approval or acceptance, I know I have that already.

I just want to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.

You ...

I fucking hate you.

I think I always will.

I wish I didn't have to, but it's the way you made me.

And I'm ok with it now.

I hate you.