Bad day

I cant wait for today to be over. Its only 2:30pm but Ive had enough. Kids are doing my head in coz they wont give me 5 minutes to relax with a cuppa. The place is a tip but half the radiators don't work so I don't want to go and clean those rooms.
I may just about have enough money to cover my rent but that's pretty much it. I'm going to have to be SO frugal with the food that I have. It doesn't matter about me, but I have make sure that the kids are fed plenty.
Its so hard to make the little ones understand that I simply cant afford to buy more than one tin of beans at a time, or get them 5 different flavours of juice. They just don't get it, and I feel awful that I cant get them what they want.
I know its not exactly my fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better.
I had the boy on my own over the weekend and it would have been a perfect chance to take him to the skatepark, but with entrance fees and train fare, I simply couldn't. Hes so good about he it, so understanding but I know he gets disappointed.
I have no idea how I'm going to manage at Xmas. I'm just glad that I got the Kinect for him when I did. My mum tries to make me feel guilty about that, says that it shouldn't be that way, that he shouldn't have it early coz then he'll have nothing big on Xmas day but I don't see why it should be about one massive present anyways. Just coz that was how she did it, why should I have to be the same? The boy and I talked about it, and he understood the deal. I keep mentioning it to him so he keeps getting it, that hes already had a large part of his Xmas present, and hes ok with it. I hate the way she always thinks I'm doing it wrong.
Anyways, this isn't a mum-bashing post.
I know that all this is going to get sorted. I'm going to get  back on my feet, I'm going to fight back as I always do and we're going to be ok. We always are.
Maybe this will do us a bit of good? Ill be forced to cook proper foods and be more prepared.
Anyone who knows me knows that preparation isn't usually in my vocabulary. I DON'T plan ahead. Never have. Maybe now is the time to start doing that?
I dunno, I'm so bad at it (everyone knows that too!), I need a PA. I need someone to organise my life.
Ha, and here's me wanting to be a counsellor.
I have no idea how much sense this post makes, but I feel a little better for getting it out there.
Roll on 2011.

Mess

The title says it all. I am and I'm in such a mess right now. I can't afford to pay my rent on time. I owe Virgin. Money is missing from my bank and Ive just had the last few years thrown in my face.
He was talking again, saying how he doesn't like being the way he is, how he hates himself blah blah. So I told him, again, that if he hates it so much, he needs to get help. Instead of moaning to me, again, he needs to see someone. His response? "Stop shouting at me, I'm trying to talk to you. Youve only ever shouted at me about this." Talk about a slap in the face.
I've lost count of the amount of times I told him I would support him as long as he was getting help, the times (before) when I held him as he cried about how difficult it was. The times I went with him, to the doctors and hospitals to try and sort him out. I've let him stay under my roof. Lent him money when he's been in a bind. I've been a fucking mug for him and what thanks do I get? What appreciation? Fuck all.
He's scum. He doesn't deserve people like me in his life.
I honestly wish I'd never met him. I know if that was the case then I wouldn't have the kids, but maybe they would be better off without a father like him anyways. I say sorry to them every day, sorry that I saddled them with him. They deserve so much better.
They deserve better than him AND better than me.
I complain, a lot, about those kids but I adore them. I would do anything for them and I don't show it enough.
I can't do this anymore. I can't go through any more crap. It'd finish me off.
I'm just not strong enough.

- Posted from TB.

Whats wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong and Ill be fine. Isn't that how it works? I'm always fine right? I'm the strong one, I'm the one that everyone comes to when they have problems. I can usually sympathise or empathise. Ive been through a hell of a lot in my relatively short life. And that's ok, I don't mind talking to people about their problems. In fact i enjoy it in a way, I don't mean I enjoy that they have problems, but I enjoy helping them fix theirs. It also gives me time to pretend mine don't exist.
I can tell you now, no-one knows or has ever known, how much I have actually been through. The issues I have had to face and the obstacles that I have had to drag myself over. Ive done so with a carefree, nothing-phases-me attitude. I could go through the most difficult thing and still pretend that I'm handling it just fine.
Newsflash: I don't. Ive never handled things well. I have the scars to prove it. Not just physical ones but mental ones too.
I may be 30 years old, with 3 beautiful children, but I don't have anyone, and never have had anyone close enough to me that KNOWS me. A few people think they have, but they have only known the person that i have let them know. I'm incapable of letting anyone get that near to me that they have the power to hurt me.
One person has come close, and the pain I feel now because of that is sometimes unbearable. Its like I'm still going thru these things coz it wont just leave me alone.
They frustrate me and anger me so much that I only have one way to release it. Even now, when they talk to me, or argue with me, I get so wound up that i sit and scratch my arm raw and I don't even realise that I'm doing it until I'm on my own again and I notice that my arm hurts.
And then I hate myself for giving them that power even though they don't know it.
And this is why I can't let anyone get close to me again.
Problem is, I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight this. There comes a point where I want to just say 'Fine, fuck it. Take what you want. Don't worry about me, Ill be fine ... ', except that this time I wouldn't be. How many times can I get knocked down before I eventually stay there? I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to it now.
I think I only have one final push left.
This probably doesn't make much sense I know. But I never know how to word these things without giving things away.
Coz no-one will ever know the amount of things that I have gone thru and am still going thru that have made me the person that I am today. And believe me, you never will. Its too hard.
You don't deserve to.

Mistaken

I thought we were over this. I thought we had moved on.
Why do you hate me so much, that you're not actually done ruining my life?
What was it that I did, to make you fight so hard to destroy me?
Just, leave me alone.
Please.

- Posted from TB.