I thought 2010 was gonna be 'my year'. I thought I had put the past in the past and I was moving on. How wrong could I be? This last year had its share of ups and downs but the downs totally outweighed the ups. And it always boils down to the same two reasons. The common themes running throughout the majority of my posts. Its either money, or the ex.
I have plans to sort both of these things out over the next few months. I'm not going to limit myself to a strict time frame but for my own peace of mind I have to at least try and have a vague deadline.
In fact, I have plans to overhaul my whole life.
I think Ive managed to work out my budget and will be sorting out any debts I have asap, they're first priority. And once they're sorted I can hopefully actually manage to save up so I can move out of this flat and into a house with a garden, or a yard at the very least! Somewhere where the kids have space outside but they're fenced in!
I have considered moving away from my home but I'm not sure if I can actually do that yet. There are a few factors that would keep me around here but I have to weigh up a lot of things before that decision would be made.
Next on the list is a counselling course. Ive said it a load of times before but I really think that I could do this. Not to sound big-headed but I do seem to have a knack/skill for advising people well. I am a good listener, I know that, I do genuinely listen, and most of the time, I genuinely care and want to help. (Yes, I say most of the time coz there are some people that think they have issues/problems when they really don't.) But I have to work out if I can afford to do it before I can get stuck in to that.
Another new thing on the list is to get a job. I saw an ad a few weeks back for a cleaner a few mornings a week. No, don't laugh, I know at suck at my own housework but doing it somewhere/for someone else has never been a problem for me. Probably weird but who cares. Anyways, if the hours were suitable and I could work the kids nursery around work times then that'd be a few extra quid in my pocket which would be nice.
I need to learn to drive again. I still know the basics from all the lessons I had like 10 years ago, but was unable to pass my test - well, my 4 tests but we wont talk about those. I couldn't believe the price of a provisional licence tho! Yeah so that wont be sorted until the finances are.
And there's that recurring money theme back again.
There is something else that I really hope works out well over the next few months, and of course hopefully longer. But I don't want to say too much about that until I know what it is myself. I'm enjoying it immensely though, I know that much.
I actually think that my absolute main priority is to sort out my situation with the ex once and for all. Other things will be held back because of that and I'm fed up of that happening. Not entirely sure how I'm going to go about that, all I know is that I have to get out and maybe away, once and for all. Its been just over 3 years since we broke up and we've gone through just as much in those 3 years as if we were together but made it worse coz we weren't and I am so done with it now. I think Ive done enough for him now. Hes a grown up ffs, well, in age anyways.
And I want my life back.
Thursday 30 December 2010
Sunday 5 December 2010
Peek in to my past
I already know how this post is going to end. I know the exact words I am going to use and actually already have them typed out underneath this.
I was thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about how I have turned out the way that I have. A lot of the time I think I should be a complete and utter screw up, then I remember that I kind of am. I cant hold down a relationship, yet a one night stand (in the right circumstances) wouldn't be an issue for me.
I can talk the hind leg off a donkey online, yet face to face with an actual person and I am lost for words. I mean completely. You think you're shy? You haven't seen nothing. My mouth goes dry, I suddenly lose the ability to talk, I start shaking like I have the major DTs, I feel sick to my stomach and my mind goes totally blank. Its like language has never been invented coz I have nothing in my head.
I don't appear to have the ability to say no to certain people that ask favours of me. People I don't even like.
I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared of living properly coz every time I do, things just blow up in my face. Every time things go right, something else goes incredibly wrong. So I prefer to not try.
This is the complete opposite to how I was as a teenager. I was the most confident person you could meet. Confident to the point of arrogance. I was hot, and I knew it. Yeah, I'm fully aware how big headed that sounds but that's how I was. I did exactly what and who I pleased. Yeah, I mean it exactly how it sounds there. I went out and I got any guy, or girl that I set my eye on. And I'm perfectly fine with how I was too. I had the best time of my life in those years, I enjoyed every single minute of it.
I lost my dad to cancer at a very young age. I was 14. Hes actually been gone now, more years than I was alive. I remember that I didn't cry for ages. Not even at his funeral, not really. I thought I took it pretty well but thinking back now, I probably didn't.
I wasn't interested in relationships. I didn't want the whole wining and dining and dating crap. It wasn't my thing.
Some people would say that I was some sort of slapper because I slept with a lot of guys, and that's fine if that's what they want to think, but I didn't just sleep with any guy that asked. There's the difference for me. I was careful and I had a good time. There were never feelings involved (on my part anyways) until I met this guy that Ill call Tom. He was the first guy that I actually wanted to see more than once. We only dated for a few months, (he used to wake me up by kissing my belly (the BEST way to wake me up EVER!)) and he was just generally sweet and lovely. I actually think I fell in love with him a little bit. Thing is with me, that Ive since realised, is that I fall in and out of love really quickly. So a little while after we started dating, just as it was getting serious, I ended it. I told him that I was too busy to give the relationship the proper attention that it deserved. I had no regrets afterwards. The next time I saw him, we were out at the same club. It was so funny the way I was. Every time I spotted him, I literally did a 180 and went in the other direction. He spotted me every time and caught up to me, I totally fobbed him off with the 'too upset to talk' thing that seemed to work.
Aaanyways, after that night, I didn't see him again. I did see his best mate tho. Asked after Tom coz I hadn't seen him out, he informed me that Tom had moved to Kent. And it was because of me. I was like "Whaaaaat?!" Apparently the guy was crazy about me, he couldn't stand to see me all the time so he left. This is how his best mate made it sound anyways, personally I'm convinced that there was way more to it than that but hey ho. It wasn't the last time dramatics happened when I broke up with a guy.
Another guy actually threatened to 'go hang himself', to which my reply was something along the lines of 'Ok, good luck with that'. Which sounds incredibly heartless I know, but I knew he was so full of it. (I actually regret breaking up with that guy, he was SO beautiful!)
This all went towards my ego of course. I don't think I was a complete bitch like, not all the time anyways. It just fuelled my want, if you like.
I was basically like a guy in the way I acted. Well, the stereotypical guy anyways, love em an leave em type.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this now. I want the teenage me back tho, the attitude anyways. Not necessarily the one night stands although I wouldn't be averse!
I'm so not like that anymore, but considering what happened in my earlier teenage years I'm guessing,
That was my rebellion.
I was thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about how I have turned out the way that I have. A lot of the time I think I should be a complete and utter screw up, then I remember that I kind of am. I cant hold down a relationship, yet a one night stand (in the right circumstances) wouldn't be an issue for me.
I can talk the hind leg off a donkey online, yet face to face with an actual person and I am lost for words. I mean completely. You think you're shy? You haven't seen nothing. My mouth goes dry, I suddenly lose the ability to talk, I start shaking like I have the major DTs, I feel sick to my stomach and my mind goes totally blank. Its like language has never been invented coz I have nothing in my head.
I don't appear to have the ability to say no to certain people that ask favours of me. People I don't even like.
I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared of living properly coz every time I do, things just blow up in my face. Every time things go right, something else goes incredibly wrong. So I prefer to not try.
This is the complete opposite to how I was as a teenager. I was the most confident person you could meet. Confident to the point of arrogance. I was hot, and I knew it. Yeah, I'm fully aware how big headed that sounds but that's how I was. I did exactly what and who I pleased. Yeah, I mean it exactly how it sounds there. I went out and I got any guy, or girl that I set my eye on. And I'm perfectly fine with how I was too. I had the best time of my life in those years, I enjoyed every single minute of it.
I lost my dad to cancer at a very young age. I was 14. Hes actually been gone now, more years than I was alive. I remember that I didn't cry for ages. Not even at his funeral, not really. I thought I took it pretty well but thinking back now, I probably didn't.
I wasn't interested in relationships. I didn't want the whole wining and dining and dating crap. It wasn't my thing.
Some people would say that I was some sort of slapper because I slept with a lot of guys, and that's fine if that's what they want to think, but I didn't just sleep with any guy that asked. There's the difference for me. I was careful and I had a good time. There were never feelings involved (on my part anyways) until I met this guy that Ill call Tom. He was the first guy that I actually wanted to see more than once. We only dated for a few months, (he used to wake me up by kissing my belly (the BEST way to wake me up EVER!)) and he was just generally sweet and lovely. I actually think I fell in love with him a little bit. Thing is with me, that Ive since realised, is that I fall in and out of love really quickly. So a little while after we started dating, just as it was getting serious, I ended it. I told him that I was too busy to give the relationship the proper attention that it deserved. I had no regrets afterwards. The next time I saw him, we were out at the same club. It was so funny the way I was. Every time I spotted him, I literally did a 180 and went in the other direction. He spotted me every time and caught up to me, I totally fobbed him off with the 'too upset to talk' thing that seemed to work.
Aaanyways, after that night, I didn't see him again. I did see his best mate tho. Asked after Tom coz I hadn't seen him out, he informed me that Tom had moved to Kent. And it was because of me. I was like "Whaaaaat?!" Apparently the guy was crazy about me, he couldn't stand to see me all the time so he left. This is how his best mate made it sound anyways, personally I'm convinced that there was way more to it than that but hey ho. It wasn't the last time dramatics happened when I broke up with a guy.
Another guy actually threatened to 'go hang himself', to which my reply was something along the lines of 'Ok, good luck with that'. Which sounds incredibly heartless I know, but I knew he was so full of it. (I actually regret breaking up with that guy, he was SO beautiful!)
This all went towards my ego of course. I don't think I was a complete bitch like, not all the time anyways. It just fuelled my want, if you like.
I was basically like a guy in the way I acted. Well, the stereotypical guy anyways, love em an leave em type.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this now. I want the teenage me back tho, the attitude anyways. Not necessarily the one night stands although I wouldn't be averse!
I'm so not like that anymore, but considering what happened in my earlier teenage years I'm guessing,
That was my rebellion.
Saturday 4 December 2010
Drama vs. Happiness
You know, sometimes I wonder if I do actually want to be happy.
I am fully aware of how weird that sounds, but its like I deliberately let things happen that I know are going to make me miserable. I justify it by saying that I'm helping out other people (re: unwelcome house guest) or sparing their feelings (re: not moving home for ages) and maybe that's genuinely what it is. I hope that's genuinely it of course. But sometimes I wonder if I secretly enjoy the drama so much that I deliberately sabotage myself. Or maybe I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, coz it damn well sure looks like I never will be.
This totally isn't coming out how I mean it in my head. I'm not being some sort of emo with this, not looking for attention or sympathy, I'm trying to work out why I find it so difficult to say no sometimes.
Ive said before that I'm always the person that people come to with problems, and like Ive also said, I'm absolutely fine with that, I do love helping people if I can. I want them to come to me, I want to be able to help them work out what it is they want or need, and I do so love giving them advice ;o) but I also love it as it takes my mind of mine.
I'm the kind of person that doesn't worry. My mum always said that if I was any more laid back, I'd fall over. When I had Lily, people would comment on how calm I was with her (oh how one more baby changes that!), but I don't see the point of getting worked up over things which you have no control.
When Ethan was a baby, he got really sick with bronchiolitis, yes, its a real disease, an inflammation of the bronchioles, and nearly died. He spent a couple weeks in a little oxygen tent (I have pictures somewhere, kept a little diary to try and keep my mind off things) and has since made a full recovery. But the reason I'm bringing this up is that when we took him to the doctors, my mum was practically hysterical, crying and stuff, demanding to know why I wasn't the same way. Saying things like "Why aren't you upset? Why aren't you worried?" Thing was, I was worried as hell, I was dying inside hoping that he was gonna be ok. But me getting all worked up and panicky wouldn't make him better. It wouldn't change his condition so I didn't. I comforted her and I looked after him. I did what the doctors said and he got better.
My point is, why waste time getting all stressed and worked up when that's not going to change anything?
Hmmm, this totally isn't where this post was headed when i wrote the title. I do actually wonder about myself sometimes. Why I do find it so difficult to say no.
I guess that's more of a confidence thing. Coz I actually managed it last week when I asked the HG to leave. Finally plucked up the courage to actually tell him Id had enough instead of waiting for him to be done and then pretending it was my idea.
That's a step in the right direction I guess. I just hope it continues to build this time. I was doing so well for a good while then I stupidly agreed for HG to stay again.
Hopefully Ill learn my lesson this time and say no if the situation comes up again. Its not my responsibility and I have my own life to lead.
Remind that its ok to put myself first sometimes please?
I am fully aware of how weird that sounds, but its like I deliberately let things happen that I know are going to make me miserable. I justify it by saying that I'm helping out other people (re: unwelcome house guest) or sparing their feelings (re: not moving home for ages) and maybe that's genuinely what it is. I hope that's genuinely it of course. But sometimes I wonder if I secretly enjoy the drama so much that I deliberately sabotage myself. Or maybe I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, coz it damn well sure looks like I never will be.
This totally isn't coming out how I mean it in my head. I'm not being some sort of emo with this, not looking for attention or sympathy, I'm trying to work out why I find it so difficult to say no sometimes.
Ive said before that I'm always the person that people come to with problems, and like Ive also said, I'm absolutely fine with that, I do love helping people if I can. I want them to come to me, I want to be able to help them work out what it is they want or need, and I do so love giving them advice ;o) but I also love it as it takes my mind of mine.
I'm the kind of person that doesn't worry. My mum always said that if I was any more laid back, I'd fall over. When I had Lily, people would comment on how calm I was with her (oh how one more baby changes that!), but I don't see the point of getting worked up over things which you have no control.
When Ethan was a baby, he got really sick with bronchiolitis, yes, its a real disease, an inflammation of the bronchioles, and nearly died. He spent a couple weeks in a little oxygen tent (I have pictures somewhere, kept a little diary to try and keep my mind off things) and has since made a full recovery. But the reason I'm bringing this up is that when we took him to the doctors, my mum was practically hysterical, crying and stuff, demanding to know why I wasn't the same way. Saying things like "Why aren't you upset? Why aren't you worried?" Thing was, I was worried as hell, I was dying inside hoping that he was gonna be ok. But me getting all worked up and panicky wouldn't make him better. It wouldn't change his condition so I didn't. I comforted her and I looked after him. I did what the doctors said and he got better.
My point is, why waste time getting all stressed and worked up when that's not going to change anything?
Hmmm, this totally isn't where this post was headed when i wrote the title. I do actually wonder about myself sometimes. Why I do find it so difficult to say no.
I guess that's more of a confidence thing. Coz I actually managed it last week when I asked the HG to leave. Finally plucked up the courage to actually tell him Id had enough instead of waiting for him to be done and then pretending it was my idea.
That's a step in the right direction I guess. I just hope it continues to build this time. I was doing so well for a good while then I stupidly agreed for HG to stay again.
Hopefully Ill learn my lesson this time and say no if the situation comes up again. Its not my responsibility and I have my own life to lead.
Remind that its ok to put myself first sometimes please?
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