I was thinking about my confidence levels today, the differences in the type of confidence that I have. Basically my personality vs. my appearance.
I find it a little bit odd that people think I'm confident. I'm not. I'm literally (with the exception of one) the shyest person that I know. I suck incredibly badly at small talk or any type of conversation with new people that I meet. So much so that I end up sitting in silence or checking my phone (for something to do) and they end up thinking I'm a snotty bitch. I'm not, I just literally don't know what to say to them.
This is why I am attracted to confident people, I am drawn towards people that are so very sure of themselves. That are happy in who they are, what they look like, what they do. These people fascinate me.
I thought I used to be one of these people, but my confidence didn't run all the way through me, I relied on my looks a lot. This isn't me bragging, its just fact. When I was younger, pre age 21ish, I had an amazing body. I was pretty and I was confident in that, so I used it. I hid behind it almost. The way some girls use their make-up as a mask, I used my figure. I would flaunt it I guess. And because of this, the need for actual small talk that wasn't shameless flirting was taken away.
I did manage to develop friendships but it was hard. It helped that these people were already friends of my brothers so I could use that to my advantage. Other friendships were made through work so were easier because of the shared interest (I worked at a horse riding school). But meeting people outside my circles was basically impossible.
Jump ahead a few years. My figure went away as I stopped working after having kids, I met my (now ex) bf and we settled. I put on about 3 stone, my confidence plummeted and I didn't even have the body to hide behind. We moved to Ireland and for 7 years, I made not one friend. I never went out with anyone that wasn't my bf or my mum except maybe once or twice.
It didn't help that the bf drained the confidence out of me either. Little things, offhand comments about my weight or appearance or intelligence. I am by no means stupid, but when people that claim to love you, say things often enough, you start to believe it.
Jump ahead another couple years, I am back home. I have amazing friends and the bf is (finally, 3 years after we actually split up) long gone. My confidence has changed considerably. Probably for the better as I am sure of myself as a person. I know that I am loyal, generous, friendly - I still struggle with small talk, but am less bothered of sounding like a twat so will speak instead of ignoring people! - I am a good listener and I like to observe people and their behaviour which gives me more of an idea of how to handle them. I also know that I can be a complete bitch, and I know that I will speak up for my children and my friends when needs be. I also know that I will have something to say TO friends if they do cross a line (as some of them will know).
It amazes me how much has switched up, and how much has happened over the last 15 years.
What I plan for next, is to work on the confidence in my appearance. I'm now 13 stone (as of yesterday). I don't think that I have ever weighed this much in my life, even when pregnant. If I'm completely honest, it disgusts me. I truly disgust myself. Yet that doesn't seem to affect the way I choose to eat.
I was thinking, as I was eating my breakfast, just how damn ridiculous I am being to myself.
I'm the only one (yes, I probably have said this before, but change takes a while for me!) that can make any difference to the foods that I put in my body, and it is solely those foods that will have an effect on my appearance and therefore, my confidence.
I know a lot of people tell me that I should accept myself the way I am, but why should I? If I look at myself in the mirror (which I try to avoid doing), I don't see anything attractive. I am overweight. I am unhealthy. If I carry on, I am going to cause myself problems as I get older. I don't want to accept that. I don't want to be ok with that. The second I even think that this is ok, will be the beginning of the end.
I was talking travel plans earlier, how I want to travel like a gap year student once my kids are grown. At this rate, Ill barely be able to leave my house, never mind travel!
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly there but in all seriousness, I need to sort this, and sort it now.
I genuinely believe that it is now or never.
I choose now.
