I want ...

And now I want so much.
I hate feeling like this. I'm strong. I'm independent. I'm good with my own company. I like being alone.
But not any more. Well, not all the time anyways. Not any more.
I want someone. I want some to want me. I want someone to be there on these cold nights, to watch TV with, to play games with, to go to bed early with. Not every night. Just occasionally.
I want someone to wake up with. I want someone to bring me coffee in the morning. To snuggle up with for a while, then have the dishes done when I do get up!
I don't want to be the odd one out on nights out. The only one that doesn't have a bf.
I know I'm hard work, I know I can be an incredibly rubbish girlfriend (by normal standards). But that's the way I am. I'm moody. I'm stroppy. I change my mind, a lot. I'm not easy to deal with and I rarely make things simple. I don't trust, not 100%. I don't get jealous, but I do get suspicious.
But, despite all that, I can also be a very awesome girlfriend an all. I'm loyal, generous, helpful. I can be affectionate. And I'm a damn good cook (as long as you don't bother me in the kitchen!).
I don't really know what it is I'm trying to say to be honest.
I guess I'm lonely. Well, I know I'm lonely.
Jeez, you know I'm lonely.
It makes my head confused. I've been thinking lately, those women that settle, I can understand why they do it. I could never see why before but I think I get it now. I still very much doubt that I could do that. I would make life hell for them and for myself because of the boredom factor.
I need someone that's going to keep me on my toes. Someone with a mind of their own. An opinion of their own. Someone that will argue with me if they feel passionate about something. I don't want a 'yes-man', it would wind me up no end.
This doesn't mean that I want to be messed around. I hate it when people lie to me. An old relationship of mine ended, not because the person cheated, but because they lied to me about it even though I knew 100%. If they had been honest, maybe things could have been salvaged.
But I digress, actually I don't. Considering I'm not even sure what my point was.
Ugh, I don't even know. I guess I just want a nice, (hot) guy that's going look after me a little bit but not crowd me. Someone that has their own life as well as the one that they want to share with me. Someone that is going to be honest and not tell me what they think I want to hear - they're usually wrong anyways. Someone that I can love, and trust 100% and that loves me back just as much.
I think this may actually be too much to ask.

Right now

Right now I feel empty but full of emotion. I feel strong but ever so weak. I feel stupid but I know that I'm not. I don't know why I let this happen. I don't know why I cant be stronger.
I don't know why he wont leave me alone. Well, I do. I always cave. I always give him what he asks for but I don't know how to stop that.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for letting him win every damn time.
Hes full of promises that I don't believe. Hes full of apologies that mean nothing. He throws words around like he knows what they mean, yet he has no idea.
I don't know if he has any clue about how he makes me feel. If he has an idea, I know for a fact that he doesn't care. He says he does. What he means is, he will use the words until he gets exactly what he wants, then he will continue to treat everyone around him like dirt.
Right now, I want to break down. I want to sit in a corner and wail and sob. I want to punch the wall and I want to take it out on myself.
Because I'm the only one that can stop this happening.
I want to get completely shitfaced and dance my cares away, pretend nothing is real and my life is perfect.
I want to run away.
I cant do any of these things. I don't have the time for a breakdown. I have a family to look after. I have friends to be there for. I don't get the luxury of being able to collapse and give up.
I honestly don't know where to turn. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I know its been going on for far too long and as the old cliche goes, I want to get off.
But I cant find the stop button.
I don't think there is one for me.

Dictation

So last night I  was chatting away to myself, as I do (its not as weird as it sounds .. ), and I decided that my chats would make good blog posts. So decided to dictate to myself, using the voice recorder on the phone. Here it is!
Ive just watched Educating Essex, and at the moment I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, because I have absolutely no idea. I mean, Id love to something to do with photography but I know that if that even happens, that it would take a while. I'm not going to be able to just buy a camera and suddenly jump into being a successful photographer so I'm going to have to look at something more realistic. Obviously if I do end up in that sort of thing then brilliant, but very unlikely to happen. I think my best bet with that would be to join a camera club. Ive found one that meets nearby in our local library so will look into that. They meet of an evening though, 8-10pm so would obviously need a regular sitter so we'll see.
Like I said, I have just watched Educating Essex, and the thought of being a teaching assistant has just flashed through my mind. This is very scary, as I don't like children. Really kinda hate kids. I just genuinely don't know what I want to do.
Ive been thinking of doing a degree, possibly thinking of doing an open degree with the Open University but it kinda depends on how long its would take me. I mean, if its going to take like, 6 years then there's no point, its too long. I have more time now, with the kids being in school/nursery, but once Molly turns 5 in 18 months, I am required by law to get, or at least look for, a job. I don't know if I would be still allowed to study. Its all pretty confusing. Don't get me wrong, I will want to work, but I want to be able to get a better job than an 'entry level' one, or at least have some quals. and skills behind me to have the option to.
I feel that what I'm doing now, is what I 'should' have been doing at 18. But because I didn't go to 6th form, because I left after my GCSEs and went to work in the stables, and did qualifications towards teaching, that I haven't decided what it is I want to do. Thing is, the stables/teaching really isn't an option right now. Because I didn't get the full teaching qualifications, I would have to go back and train, and that's just not possible. It wouldn't be easy to work out around the kids. And they would end up missing out on a lot of stuff, and I would end up missing out on them and if that was ever going to be an option, Id have gone back to the stables a long time ago. But I want to see them grow up and help them do that as much as I can, and for as long as I can. Otherwise things would be different and they're not. They are the way they are.
I need to try and work it out. The counselling is still an option. I'm not sure how it all works though, I need to sit down for an hour or two and work it out. Id love to study, Id love to have the vocation, Id love to have somewhere to go in my life. I don't just want to work in a supermarket, not that there is anything wrong with that job of course, but I don't just want a 'job'. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I love doing, that I can put all my effort into. Maybe that just wont happen, maybe I will be sat behind a till for the rest of my life and if that's the case then Ill have to find other ways to find fulfillment in my life.
If I actually do want to travel when the kids have grown up, like I have said I am going to do for years, then I'm going to have to make enough money to put some aside to save for that purpose. I want the kids to have everything they want. And if Ive just got some crappy job then its highly unlikely that Ill be able to do that for them, and that's not fair, its not their fault.
So this is where I am right now I'm trying to work out what it is I'm good at, what I enjoy and what I want to do. I keep coming back to the OU, I think that might just be my best bet. But I think I need to speak to someone about it, because I just don't have a bloody clue.
I just don't know, I really don't know. I don't know what I like. I don't know what I enjoy doing, I cant remember! I love biology but where would I go with that?
At the OU, they offer a degree in counselling, but I need to sit down, probably for a couple hours, and figure out what I'm going to do and then make a start, because sitting here talking about is just well, its not getting me anywhere. I should never have taken that counselling course that I completely bailed on. I got nothing out of it, I wasn't ready for it. It shouldn't have been done, but it was and I have to sort it.
I need to sit down, concentrate and I need to read up. Then I need to get the ball rolling.

So yeah, my plan for now is to read, and figure out how I can do this counselling. I think that's what I want to do. I'm fairly sure that's what I want.
So wish me luck kids. Because I am amazing at procrastinating, as you all know. Today is a new day blah blah. You know how it goes.

Crashing

This morning I woke up groggy. I went to sleep finally around 2am, kept waking up, had very odd dreams and was woken up at 7:11am by a small child needing me to help her downstairs.
Despite that, my mood wasn't terrible. I went back to bed and dozed for a while, but again kept getting woken up by the kids. Which of course I cant blame them as they're younger and cant get they're own cereal etc.
I got up, sorted my coffee and stuff, had breakfast, did some housework and listened/read about Liverpool beating Everton 2-0. And I was tired, but fine.
Then all of a sudden, around an hour or so ago, I just suddenly felt really down. (I don't want to use the word depressed, because I think that should be used in its correct context.) I have no reason for this mood crash that I can think of. I didn't have an argument, nothing happened to cause this. I was just, all of a sudden, wanting to go and lie on my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry. Maybe if I did that I would feel better. But I cant.
Those small people that woke me up this morning are still around playing. I cant just go have a little breakdown because it would upset them terribly. I simply don't have the time.
I'm trying to think of what might be making me feel this way. What it is that's not letting me be happy. These mood crashes come so regularly to me now but then I seem to lighten up just as quickly. This does worry me a little but I know that I'm not happy with my life the way it is.
I'm not happy with where I live, although I am grateful that I actually have somewhere to live. I'm not happy about being alone, except I would rather be alone and unhappy, than be with unhappy with someone. I'm not happy with myself, the way I look and the way I feel about that. There are other things that I have to work on to change about myself, my attitude and my outlook, I know that. But would my emotions not give me a bit of a break in the meantime?
There is one thing that keeps popping into my mind but that's only from today, it wouldn't really explain previous mood crashes. October 30th will be the 17th anniversary of my dad dying. Hes been gone 3 years longer than I got to be with him, and even this much later, it hurts more than anything ever has. I miss him more now than ever and I wish he was still here. I need him.
But I cant blame this on that, it was so long ago. Yeah I miss him, but I cant let that affect me so much. I don't know, maybe I never really got over it.
I don't know about much of this right now to be honest.
All I want to do now is to find some really sad film and cry the mood out.
I hope it helps because this is exhausting me.

Confidence ...

I was thinking about my confidence levels today, the differences in the type of confidence that I have. Basically my personality vs. my appearance.
I find it a little bit odd that people think I'm confident. I'm not. I'm literally (with the exception of one) the shyest person that I know. I suck incredibly badly at small talk or any type of conversation with new people that I meet. So much so that I end up sitting in silence or checking my phone (for something to do) and they end up thinking I'm a snotty bitch. I'm not, I just literally don't know what to say to them.
This is why I am attracted to confident people, I am drawn towards people that are so very sure of themselves. That are happy in who they are, what they look like, what they do. These people fascinate me.
I thought I used to be one of these people, but my confidence didn't run all the way through me, I relied on my looks a lot. This isn't me bragging, its just fact. When I was younger, pre age 21ish, I had an amazing body. I was pretty and I was confident in that, so I used it. I hid behind it almost. The way some girls use their make-up as a mask, I used my figure. I would flaunt it I guess. And because of this, the need for actual small talk that wasn't shameless flirting was taken away.
I did manage to develop friendships but it was hard. It helped that these people were already friends of my brothers so I could use that to my advantage. Other friendships were made through work so were easier because of the shared interest (I worked at a horse riding school). But meeting people outside my circles was basically impossible.
Jump ahead a few years. My figure went away as I stopped working after having kids, I met my (now ex) bf and we settled. I put on about 3 stone, my confidence plummeted and I didn't even have the body to hide behind. We moved to Ireland and for 7 years, I made not one friend. I never went out with anyone that wasn't my bf or my mum except maybe once or twice.
It didn't help that the bf drained the confidence out of me either. Little things, offhand comments about my weight or appearance or intelligence. I am by no means stupid, but when people that claim to love you, say things often enough, you start to believe it.
Jump ahead another couple years, I am back home. I have amazing friends and the bf is (finally, 3 years after we actually split up) long gone. My confidence has changed considerably. Probably for the better as I am sure of myself as a person. I know that I am loyal, generous, friendly - I still struggle with small talk, but am less bothered of sounding like a twat so will speak instead of ignoring people! - I am a good listener and I like to observe people and their behaviour which gives me more of an idea of how to handle them. I also know that I can be a complete bitch, and I know that I will speak up for my children and my friends when needs be. I also know that I will have something to say TO friends if they do cross a line (as some of them will know).
It amazes me how much has switched up, and how much has happened over the last 15 years.
What I plan for next, is to work on the confidence in my appearance. I'm now 13 stone (as of yesterday). I don't think that I have ever weighed this much in my life, even when pregnant. If I'm completely honest, it disgusts me. I truly disgust myself. Yet that doesn't seem to affect the way I choose to eat.
I was thinking, as I was eating my breakfast, just how damn ridiculous I am being to myself.
I'm the only one (yes, I probably have said this before, but change takes a while for me!) that can make any difference to the foods that I put in my body, and it is solely those foods that will have an effect on my appearance and therefore, my confidence.
I know a lot of people tell me that I should accept myself the way I am, but why should I? If I look at myself in the mirror (which I try to avoid doing), I don't see anything attractive. I am overweight. I am unhealthy. If I carry on, I am going to cause myself problems as I get older. I don't want to accept that. I don't want to be ok with that. The second I even think that this is ok, will be the beginning of the end.
I was talking travel plans earlier, how I want to travel like a gap year student once my kids are grown. At this rate, Ill barely be able to leave my house, never mind travel!
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly there but in all seriousness, I need to sort this, and sort it now.
I genuinely believe that it is now or never.
I choose now.

I miss ...

I miss so much.
I miss being touched. I miss having someone touch me so gently, it seems they're afraid I might break. I miss having someone whisper in my ear how beautiful they think I am, and how good they think we are together.
I miss being cuddled, like its the most important thing in the world to be in that persons arms, right at that very moment.
I miss being kissed, like its an alternative to breathing, like if they stop, so will life itself.
I miss laughing with someone. Finding the exact same things funny, or just hearing things that people say and giving each other that look that means you both heard something entirely different and you'll share it another time.
I miss the closeness that comes with the realisation that at that time, there is only one person in the world that you want to be with.
I miss the feeling of skin on skin. Touching their body with mine,, becoming like one.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss the texts and messages and phone calls, just to say hello. Or to tell you that they love you. I also miss feeling needed. When they have a bad day and you're the only thing in the world that will make them feel better.
I miss being held, its different to being cuddled, when I'm upset or down. Feeling safe. Feeling protected.
I miss arguments and fights. I miss feeling so passionate about something, with someone, but you're so secure that you know you can say what you need to say without the fear of it breaking what you have.
I miss making up afterwards. The angry but loving togetherness that ultimately leaves you both exhausted but so incredibly satisfied.
I miss the talking. The most random subjects that can have you agreeing so much that you finish each others sentences then in the same breath, having such opposing opinions on a subject that it makes you wonder how you even ended up talking about it.
I miss holding hands. That simple yet so incredibly intimate gesture of you having your fingers entwined in each others. Stroking the back of their hand with your thumb, which makes them know that you're still thinking about them even though they're not your full focus of attention.
I miss so much, but most of all I miss loving, and being loved in return.

That's what I miss the most.

Reflection

I have another blog where I talk about weight loss and becoming more healthy. Since I've started talking about losing weight, people have told me that I'm just fine the way I am. That guys like 'curvy' women, and that I'm not fat.
Truth is, I am fat, and I am unhealthy. I am overweight for my height and my frame, and I eat unhealthy food way more often than I should.
It doesn't matter to me what guys may like, good for them. But just as I don't find every single guy in the world attractive, then it stands to reason, that not every guy in the world likes 'curvy' girls.
I am currently a size 16. I am currently very unhappy with my size and shape.
I have a mirror in my hall that I look away from every time I walk past it to get to the bathroom. Occasionally I will get undressed to my underwear and look at myself from all angles. Not in many years have I ever done that and thought that I looked in the slightest bit attractive.
Adding to that thought, I genuinely cannot see how anyone else could look at me and think that I was beautiful from head to toe. I know that I have a pretty face, but that's not difficult. (Oddly enough I like my wrists and my ankles, because they never get fat.) I never feel beautiful though.
There was once, just over a year ago, with this one guy. He has been the only one that has made me feel truly beautiful. That was for like, two days. I've not really spoken about him here, (I've just skimmed through a load of old posts because I could have sworn I had mentioned him at some point but I cant find anything about him.) he was the guy that I lost a friend over.
He was seeing a mate of mine a while ago, they were at breakup point and we were developing feelings for each other. Something happened and they ended up staying together which of course meant that whatever was between us had to be forgotten.
I still wonder 'what if?', and I guess a part of me misses him because we got on so incredibly well. Talked to him about things that I've never spoken to anyone else about, but then all of a sudden he was gone because we couldn't be ... I don't know, whatever we were going to be. That actually hurt like hell. I was already completely messed up over all sorts of other things and that was just the icing on the cake.
I know if we had have gotten together, it would have been amazing, for a while. And then we would have hit the mutual self destruct button and it would have ended up a complete car crash. That's a perfect analogy, we would have had a total car crash relationship. We were far too alike, personality, sense of humour, so many things were the same. He was like a male version of me. Except he was gorgeous. But yeah, he was the only guy in many years that made me feel good about myself, about the way I looked. But then in essence, he left me too. Like everyone else does.
When I was younger, I was a size 8 - 10. I was fit and I was toned and I had a cracking body. You could easily see my abs and I had arms and shoulders like an American footballer and I loved it. I loved how strong I was. I loved that I was stronger than most of the guys I knew. I didn't work for any of this and my diet was awful. That was when I did eat, which wasn't often! My job at the stables was very physical, lots of heavy lifting and constantly on my feet being busy with various jobs so the body came naturally.
I want that back. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
This is not a post that's looking for people to tell me that I'm not that bad, or that people like me the way I am because like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for approval or acceptance, I know I have that already.

I just want to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.

You ...

I fucking hate you.

I think I always will.

I wish I didn't have to, but it's the way you made me.

And I'm ok with it now.

I hate you.

Thoughts

Ive wanted to blog for a few days now. I haven't know where to start, what to say. Ive had an idea of what it is that I want to write about but I didn't know how to get it going.
I guess one of the main things that Ive been thinking about lately, is being a single mum. With it being my birthday recently, I always sort of, take stock of where I'm at in my life. I'm not happy with where I am to be honest.
I've probably said this before, but when I was younger, the last position I saw myself in, at the age of 31, was a jobless, overweight, single mum. I envisaged me running my own breaking yard. A stables where people brought young, unridden horses in for me to back. To get used to having the saddles on their back and ultimately get used to being ridden well, handled gently and turn out into good, safe horses. That was my plan.
My plan was scuppered when I failed to pass my driving test, although I only got told of this after I had left the yard. I think I was 18 when I failed first time. I was actually quite shocked and dismayed when they examiner said "I'm sorry ... ", because I was convinced that I had passed with flying colours, and if you took out that one eager pulling out at the roundabout, right at the beginning, then my test was basically perfect. I say eager, because if it had been an experienced driver then no-one would have batted an eyelid, but because I was still in 'Learner' status, the examiner said I should have been more hesitant.
But my driving tests are another story. Me failing my test, denied me the chance to manage the side of the riding school that I wanted. The side that worked the private horses. The side that had the youngsters come in, that had the older, more experienced jumping horses that I would have had the chance to school and exercise. Because I couldn't be relied upon to get to the stables as easily, I had to get a lift over from the riding school. I got told after I had left, that that yard would've been mine. I would've been in charge of the whole thing. That that was what I was being trained for. And Ive just realised that it still hurts that I missed out on that opportunity as my eyes are currently filling up with tears as I write this.
Being a mum has never been natural for me. I don't have a maternal bone in my body, for humans anyways. Bring me a sick, injured, abandoned animal, of pretty much any type, and Ill look after it. Ill nurture it back to health and then not want to let it go. Bring me a baby and I'm like, 'What do you want me to do with that then?'
I remember when I found out that I was having my son, I was 30 weeks gone, I had planned on never having kids, ever. I didn't want them, I didn't like them, I didn't have the patience for them. But there he was, on the scan.
He was born 2 weeks later, so I was effectively pregnant for 2 weeks. He was 8 weeks early so was taken straight into the Special Care Baby Unit, where he was put in an incubator. Luckily his breathing was pretty strong so he didn't have to go on oxygen. He had a tube going up his nose down into his stomach for feeding because he wasn't capable of suckling from a  bottle being born that early. He was in there for around 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks, I just didn't know what to do. I went to see him every day, I fed him, i looked at him, but I wasn't allowed to touch him at first. He wasn't quite strong enough. When the nurses told me that he was ok to come out of his incubator, I didn't want to hold him. I didn't know how to.
We managed tho. The first 6 months or so were some of the hardest times of my life. There were times when I wasn't interested. I was 20, I didn't want to grow up. The only responsibilities I wanted were within my job. But I had no choice. That little boy was there, and he needed me. It took me a while, but we got there. Eventually.
Hes 10 now, starting his last year in primary school in September. Hes grown up so quickly and so well. His teachers say that hes a pleasure to teach, that hes polite and helpful. He tries his best etc. I really couldn't be prouder of that little dude.
I guess the point of this post is, that although I'm a million miles away from where I expected to be, and there is a hell of a lot more to add to that story that I wont here, I think I might be doing ok.
This wasn't what I planned, this wasn't what I wanted. But its where I am.
And I think I'm ok.

Number 51.

So this is my 51st post here. In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure what the content of most of my posts are. I tend to just write and in a way, let my fingers do the talking. Its like I get in a zone and I just keep going.
Saying that, this one is is going to, at least to start of with, be a little more light hearted.
So Ive noticed, quite often, that when I stick my music on my iPod and turn it on 'shuffle', it more often than not plays songs relevant to what I'm feeling at the time. Whether it be happy, or sad. Or somewhere in between. I'm going to list 10 songs here that played this morning when I was doing some chores, there was major eye-rolling going on coz they are all so relevant (in different ways) to how Ive been feeling lately. List is;

1. Adele - Set Fire to the Rain
2. Will Young - Love
3. Jamelia (Live Lounge) - Numb
4. Staind - Tangled Up in You
5. Pink - Stop Falling
6. Tinie Tempah (Live Lounge) - Frisky
7. Avril Lavigne - I Love You
8. Ministry of Sound - Lost Without You
9. The Bangles - In a Different Light
10. Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone

I'm assuming you can all guess whats been going thru my mind a lot lately by that list of tracks? 

Yup, love. Or rather, thinking about wanting to be in love. Ive felt so lonely lately. And I hate it, coz I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone else. I'm good alone, ya know? But I'm surrounded by couples. In real life, on TV, on twitter/FB. Id just like to have what they have for a while, or forever, I'm  not going to rule that out, coz that would be silly. 

I bought the Twilight DVDs recently, and I found myself sitting there crying. Which in itself is nothing unusual, but I realised I was crying because of the relationship that I was watching (and shut up, I fricking love Twilight!), crying because Ive never had a relationship like that. That's so open and so free. I'm always hiding something, even in friendships, I can never be 100% open and honest. 

I'm not saying I'm a liar, but I don't give my all. Coz if I did, and Ive probably said this before, then that gives someone else power and control, and I'm not sure I can give that up. I almost did once, and that power and control was very much abused. I'm not going to get into that now tho, as I'm pretty much out the other side of that.

But yeah, it seems my iPod shuffle is pretty tuned in to my thoughts and emotions. How bizarre.

...

Its been a long time since I have felt loved. And I have never felt loved for who I am, just for who people think that I am.

That's my fault, because I have never given myself to anyone fully. I'm far too afraid of being hurt. If I opened myself up to someone, like I see people doing all the time, then I would give them control. I would give them the power to hurt me, and if they did, then it would essentially be my fault.

I don't know if I'm capable of doing that.

Seriously.

I just want to be loved, and be told I'm loved, and know I am. But I don't know if I can let that happen.

Ugh.

In such a low mood today.
Wish I could be different.
In more ways than one.

Falling.

Jem - Falling for you 

Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

I want you so much
I need you so much

Pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. It amazes me how songs put my feelings into words so much better than I could ever do myself.

Unsure ...

Ive had this 'New Post' page open for a couple days now. Pops up, almost taunting me, every time I open my browser.
I say taunting, because its like I've had some sort of writers block. I have so much going on in my head but haven't known where to start. I haven't blogged in ages but its not thru lack of things to say. I just seemed to have lost the ability to get things down.
I have a billion and one things running through my head. I'm feeling so much, so many different things.
I'm confused and happy and insecure and optimistic all at the same time.
I want to be positive about the future but something is holding me back. I still have that fear of letting go, of being  confident about choices that I make/have made. I want to be hopeful, but reality and past experience wont let me.
Its like, the walls that I always have, were being taken down but lately Ive put them right back up again. And I'm really not sure why. Things have been going well for me for a change. Ive been getting my life back on track. Moving on and sorting myself and my issues out.
Maybe that's what it is, things are going too well, and I'm getting ready for something to go wrong. I don't know. It just feels like something has changed.
Its probably just me being paranoid. A throwback to how things have been, of what I'm used to.
I feel like I'm turning into one of those needy, insecure women that always needs telling of their worth.
I really need to snap out of this. This isn't me.
Just feels like one step forward, two steps back sometimes.
Ill probably be alright tomorrow, this is what makes it so annoying.

...

All I want is for someone to hold me, to love me, to tell me that everything is going to be ok again.

I hate feeling like this.

...

How can someone say so little, yet make it mean so much more?

21 random facts

1. My middle name is Jane.
2. I am always, and I mean always, late.
3. Ive had probably over 100 pets in my life, including a snake, chinchillas, rats & a Shetland pony.
4. I'm fiercely loyal.
5. I like Bran Flakes.
6. I have more cookery books than I can count, and I want more.
7. My favourite author is Jilly Cooper.
8. I'm pretty damn good at DIY.
9. I very rarely get hangovers. Ive had less than ten in my lifetime.
10. I have a penchant for notebooks. Any size, shape, colour or brand.
11. I hide my emotions.
12. I have very eclectic tastes in music and like a few songs from most genres.
13. I will skydive at some point in my life.
14. I never want to bungee jump, ever.
15. I miss 'Lost'.
16. I have a pair of Miss Sixty jeans that are at least 12 years old, that will never be thrown away.
17. I have never wanted to get married, but am not averse to having my mind changed.
18. I used to throw javelin (I was good!) and run 100m sprint for my school team.
19. I love milk. I mean really love it.
20. I have plans of travelling the world when my kids have grown up.
21. I love shoes, and have an ambition to one day own a pair of Louboutins.

Don't know why I chose 21. But there ya go.

...

I feel like I need somewhere to turn. But I don't know where to go.

Confused

So I just had call from the kids dad. He was going to take them overnight, but my youngest apparently got upset and didn't want to go. Hes bringing her back, which in itself is fine, but it upsets me that she didn't want to go.
I'm not sure why it upsets me though.
She was a little off-colour for the last few days but nothing major. Hopefully shes just tired and wants home comforts but I'm worrying that this is going to be a long term thing.
She always gets upset when she has to leave me, except for when she goes to nursery. I don't know. Maybe its her age. Maybe she'll grow out of it.
I'm not sure what to think. I guess Ill see how it goes once everything is settled and into more of a routine. Hopefully she'll settle too.
Sorry for the randomness, just needed to get that out there.

My new New Year

Basically, for me, January has been awful. So much has gone on, and so much has been going on in the last few months/years. What I have decided to do, is to draw a line under it and start over. Much like traditionally, we do on the 1st January. Except like I say, January was a complete waste of a month, so I'm starting over with the Chinese New Year instead.
Now I know that I'm not Chinese and have no Chinese relatives (that I know of!) but I'm just using the date, because its a New Year for some people, it can be for me too.
And this year, I have decided that I am going to make a short list of things that I would like to achieve.
Some big and major, some not so much but just as important to me. I will possibly add to this list but I don't want it to become too long and become unachievable. Now, for a change, this post is not going to be a depressing, complaint about how awful my life is, but its going to be positive. Ive said all I am going to say about January (in this post, not necessarily forever!) as I want to keep the positivity. At the moment I only have a few things in my head that I would like to get in motion, so I will list them. I may come back and edit and re-edit, but for now, here goes (in no particular order):

• Take and pass the OU Introduction to Counselling course
• Learn (or at least begin to) Spanish
• Take and pass my driving test
• Go to the Download Festival
• Write more (blog/diary/short stories)
• Read up more about wicca
• Get fit, and healthy
• Take my kids out more, and become a better mum
• Take charge, and keep in control of, my own life

These are pretty self-explanatory. The last one is going to be an ongoing thing of course but I kind of feel that if its out there, I can remind myself that its ok to do that. I'm sure you've figured out, reading over previous posts, that I haven't always been in full control of what goes on. But I have to get that back.
As for the getting fit and healthy thing, a future (next few days) post is going to be about me, my diet (as in general diet, not a special weight loss one), my weight and what I plan to do to change that.
The one about being a better mum, I know I do ok, I'm not looking for reassurance, but I could be better. I could do more with/for them. They're all that bit older now that it would become easier to do stuff with them. Still wont be taking them out to eat on my own mind, the Tasmanian Devil isn't ready for that just yet! The driving test part will help with this bit too.
So yeah, that's my plan for this year. And my new year starts tomorrow. So tonight, there will be a few drinks and possibly some unhealthy foods.
Tomorrow, get ready to meet the new me. (Which is like the old me, but better, so its all good!)
Bring it on.

Tears

I keep wondering when it is that I'm finally going to stop crying over this. When enough is actually going to be enough. When basically, hes going to move on with his own life and leave me to get on with mine.
Once again, all I want to do is cry. I want to go somewhere, all alone, and cry until I cant cry anymore. Until my eyes are dry and sore and I don't feel anything anymore.
I want to run away, to just up and leave, leave everything behind and just go somewhere where no-one knows me. Where he cant find us. Where I can start over, start afresh and pretend that he doesn't exist.
I will never be able to do this, and probably wouldn't be the best idea anyways.
All I want is to be left alone. I don't want to make trouble, I don't want to stop the kids seeing him. I just want him to leave me, and anyone that may be associated with me, alone. I hate him. In fact no, I don't even have enough feeling for him to hate him. I just want him to go away.
I'm at a point now, where I'm numb. And this scares me. The numbness is what causes me to make myself feel. I get to a point where I feel numb for so long that I have to.
I don't want to, and so far I have resisted, I distract myself with other things. But it is always what my thoughts come back to. Its always a last resort but I'm so close to it. So close to feeling that release and that proof that I do still feel. That I am capable of still feeling.
That want for feeling is growing stronger. I hate it but I cant deny it.
I don't want to have to do this anymore.

Jaded ..

I really want to write this out but I don't even know where to start. Don't even know what to say.
This has been going on for years now. On and on, and I'm not sure that it will ever stop. I'm not sure that I can get out of it. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough.
I want to, I really, really want to. This is killing me. Its destroying any confidence that I was getting back, any resolve that I had. I'm struggling to write this coz I cant see for crying. My face is all swollen coz Ive been in tears all day. I cant stop, but I cant really let go coz then I know that will lead on to something else and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to get that far out of control that I have to take it back that way.
The worst part is, that I don't think you even realise, or if you do, you don't care. I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought I was helping. And although my intentions were that, you clearly took that as a sign to walk all over me. Again. And this is my fault coz I was stupid enough to let you. Again.
I honestly don't know who I hate more, myself or you. You for treating me like you do, or me for letting you.
I'm so tired, so exhausted by all of this, and I want to tell you to leave me alone, to get out of my life, but you just fight back and back until I have no fight left anymore. And you know you can do this and you play on it. And I hate you and I hate me for not being able to stay strong.
Nobody knows any of this either. You know, I tell people that I let you stay again and they're like "Yeah you gotta get rid." and I say that I know. I'm ok, I'm sorting it. They have no idea that I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. Coz I don't want to wake up to this again and again. They have no clue that I hurt myself, coz I cant control how you make me feel, and I have to get control back. They never will, because Ill never tell them. And then I feel stupid because I could ask for help, but I wont.
Because I'm so ashamed that I let you treat me this way. I am so ashamed that the kids see you treating me this way. But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know where to get the strength from. That strength I used to have before I met you. I'm never going to get that back am I?
Maybe I should just resign myself to it always being this way. But I don't want to. I don't think I ever could, and that gives me the tiniest sliver of hope for myself.
Only problem is, I don't have the strength any more. Don't tell me I have, because I haven't. And what makes it worse, is that I'm going to have to rely on someone else, I'm going to have to ask someone else to support me. Lord knows who, I couldn't possibly fill my family in on all of this, they don't deserve to know. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean that they don't need to worry about me. There isn't anything they could do from where they are, so they don't need to worry about me on top of that.
So again, stuck at square one. Where do I go from here? (And now I'm singing Buffy show tunes.)
Where the hell does one get strength from?

Three Words.

So I signed up for this threewords thing. Some of the answers are quite eye-opening for me. The way that people think of me is mostly nice, and also pretty accurate.
One of the words I got was 'judgemental' and while a lot of people would probably take offence to this, I don't. Because I know full well that I am. I always have been, I judge people usually on face value. I will meet you (online, offline, whatever.) and I will make an immediate decision about you, usually my judgement is spot on, but occasionally I will be wide of the mark. If this does happen then I simply change my mind, I am not that set in my ways and sure of myself that I wont give people a second or even third chance.
Another was 'vulnerable'. This one made me think a lot, because I see myself as a tough, independent, strong person. Someone that people can turn to, someone that doesn't buckle under pressure. Vulnerable was never a word that I would think to apply to myself, but the more I think about it, the more I realise how right this probably is. And for someone to see it in me, shows that I'm not coming over as strong as I think I am. I'm ok with that tho, there is someone in my life now that is making me realise that its ok to be me. That I'm allowed to have some downtime, and not be so ... I cant think of the word, but like, its ok to lean on someone else sometimes. That I don't have to be strong all the time. And most importantly, its ok to let people see that I'm not ok. No-one will think badly of me, or think I'm weak.
This in itself is a revelation to me. Weeell, not really, but it is to my personality. I know that sounds daft, I really do. But I have spent the last half of my life, being the strong one. Ive been the one that doesn't cry, that keeps a level head in situations, that helps others, that doesn't fall apart, the one that has earned a name as a cold-hearted bitch coz I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't show strong emotion and I never have.
I'm slightly different now in as much as emotions go, I used films/TV as my catalysts if you like. If I'm getting frustrated or worked up about something and I need to let it out, Ill watch Armageddon. That film never fails to have me in floods of tears, and although the film is my trigger, the film is rarely what I'm actually crying about. As I watch it, I think about all the things that have upset me, all the things that I need to let go, and I do it while watching that. And if anyone sees/knows, I have "This film is soooo sad!" as my excuse, so no-one knows that I am actually capable of being emotional.
I don't know why I have such an issue about being upset in front of people. Ive always been the same for as long as I can remember. When I was in primary school, we were out in the playground and a football accidentally hit me in the back of the head and slammed my face into a wall, it hurt like fuck and actually made my two front teeth ever so slightly crooked, (I'm still bitter about that, my teeth used to be dead straight!) and I didn't cry coz my mate came into the toilets with me to make sure I was ok.
When my dad passed when I was 14, one RE lesson a few days after (typically) was a discussion on death, and I had to leg it from the room to the toilets again coz I refused to cry in front of anyone. My teacher sent a friend down to check on me and I refused to come out until she had gone. Ive always been the same. I still see crying as a weakness in myself. Not in anyone else tho.  I'm not sure that will ever change tbh.
My top word is 'sexy' and as flattering as this is, I just don't see it. I'm not one of those 'oh compliment me while I say I look awful', I'm not saying this so I get told otherwise, I'm saying it coz I genuinely think its true. Majority of the time I have unwashed hair, no make-up and dressed in the nearest clothes I have to hand, I'm more than 3 stone overweight (in MY opinion) and I don't get how this can possibly be described as sexy?! But of course I'm not going to complain as such, I say thankyou because its nice to hear, as much as I disagree!
So all in all, I think this 'venture' was a success. It has certainly given me things to think about. I do consider other peoples opinions of me, even though I don't let them affect me as such, if that makes sense.
I knew that I had to do some work on myself, and this gives me something to go on, so thankyou to anyone that has left me words, and if you haven't, go do it now!

...

How do you tell someone that you may be falling for them, without actually telling them that you may be falling for them?