This day, 18 years ago, I saw my dad for the last time ever. If you've read the previous posts then you will know this. You will also know just how cut up I have been.
But I've been thinking. My dad always wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to do good things and to live my life in a good way. He wouldn't have wanted me to be moping around (even if for good reason) being sad. He would've wanted me to embrace life and enjoy it. He would've wanted to be proud of me, proud of what I have accomplished and what I still have yet to do.
So today I am going to make a conscious effort to do that. And I'll do that in his memory, and I'll do it for him.
I have spent far too long and wasted far too much time just talking about things that I want to do and never actually doing them. A lot of my life is pretty shit, but I've let it get that way. I'm the only one that can change it.
So that is what I am going to do. Positivity will reign. Things will change. Procrastination will be a thing of the past (except on Sundays) and I will make a proper go of this life.
I do wish I had done more up to now, but I haven't and I can't change the past, all I can have control of is my future, and that future will be good. I want my dad to be proud of me, I want my kids to have someone to look up to, someone they could aspire to be like even. I want them to know that working hard to get where and what you want is a great thing. I want them to want more. I want them to realise the mistakes that I made, and realise that they can learn from mine and be better, do more, BE more.
See, that's what my dad would've taught them too. He'd have made the best grandad in the world, and he would've doted on my kids and my niece and nephew. Sadly that opportunity will never come about, so instead we will do things in his name, in his honour. And I will talk about him with happiness and animation.
They already miss him, even though they never had the chance to actually meet him. I'm glad they miss him, because that means they have an idea of how amazing he was.
But I digress, my point, is that things are going to change. Again.
I'm going to be the girl that my dad would be the most proud of.
Monday 29 October 2012
Friday 26 October 2012
My dad
It's been about 18 weeks since I last posted here. It would've been less but every time I read the last post I made, I ended up in bits and had to go and distract myself.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.
In 4 days time, it'll be the anniversary of the day that my dad died. It'll be 18 years since I last saw him.
The more I think about it, the more unbelievable it seems. Which of course, sounds ridiculous. But it does. My dad is gone. He's been gone for so long that I don't remember his voice, I don't remember his laugh. And the only reason that I remember his face, is from photos. And I don't have many of those.
I do remember that he is, was, and always will be, the most awesome man I will ever have the honour to know.
I don't really have anything to say, that I haven't said already. But I want to remember him. I want so badly to remember how it felt when he hugged me. I want to remember how it felt when I held his hand as I skipped up the road when I was a little girl. I want to remember how it felt when he tucked me in at night and made me feel safe.
More than that, I want to remember how it would feel when I saw him playing with his grandkids, how it would feel when he walked me up the aisle and gave me away, how it would feel when he told me that everything would be ok. Only I will never, ever remember that as these things will never happen.
Everybody told me that missing him would get easier. Coping with it would hurt less. Well it doesn't. Every single day is harder because every single day means yet another thing that he should've seen but won't. He would have been brilliant at all of these things. So very brilliant. But all I can do is remember things that I'm not even sure are real.
I've said this before, but if you still have your father in your life, remember things. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's appreciated. In fact, tell your mum too, or anyone else that you love.
Fucking tell them. Even if you think you will have them forever. Because you actually never know when the time will come that the memories stop and you can't tell them any more.
I adored my dad, I still do. Moreso every day.
I miss him so much, I can actually feel a physical loss where he should be.
Just tell them you love them. Mean it, and more importantly, show it. Words aren't enough.
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