Today is Fathers day. I do not 'celebrate' this day. I would prefer that this day didn't actually exist any more.
I lost my dad to skin cancer on the 30th October 1994. I was 14. He's been gone now, longer than I ever knew him.
I remember the last day that I saw him. He was in a Marie Curie hospice. I didn't really know what one was at the time, but anyways, I didn't actually want to go and see him. I didn't want to see him sick in a hospital bed, but my mum made us.
I remember walking in to the room and seeing him and immediately wanting to turn around and run away. That wasn't my dad, but at the same time it was. I didn't do that though. Instead I smiled and said hello, and then I locked myself in the bathroom for five minutes and cried harder than I ever had in my life. And then I stopped and I unlocked the door, took a deep breath and walked out. I went and sat down on the edge of my dads bed and held his hand. He wasn't strong enough to even speak anymore by this point so I had to do all the talking.
I told him about school, and about my horse-riding. I told him what I;'d been doing with my friends. And I told him I loved him. I spoke to him as if he was fine, as if he would be able to answer me, as if we were having a two-way conversation. I don't know how long we sat with me talking and holding his hand and looking at the incredible sadness in his eyes but too soon, it was time to go.
I had to say goodbye to my dad, to the greatest, most amazing man I had ever known, and I had to say goodbye. Knowing that it was probably for the last time ever. He was so, so ill. I gave him a hug and told him that I loved him. He mouthed back "I love you too." and I walked out of his room, promising to come back soon.
The next day I woke my mum up to get ready to go to the stables and she told me that my dad had passed away at around 2am that morning. I just said 'Ok. I'm going to go and get ready.' and I did. I went to the stables as usual and I said nothing. Not even to my best friend. Not until later that afternoon when she asked how he was. I think I just said 'He's gone.' I ended up being the one comforting her.
I didn't cry. Not once. Until the funeral. I didn't ride in the relatives car and I didn't sit at the front. I couldn't. I remember the vicar saying to me, as we were leaving, 'Nice to meet you, hope to say you again soon.' and all I could think was 'I bloody hope not, the only time I've met you is when my parent has died so I'd rather that didn't happen again.'.
That was nearly 18 years ago now, and I remember those parts like it was yesterday. Its funny what you remember.
I don't remember his laugh. I sometimes get flashes of what his voice sounded like but I can't just think and remember it. I'm not sure if memories are of things happening, or just what I remember from photos.
When you're 14, you don't think that you're going to need to remember these little details. You don't think that the most important man in your life, that should be there for you for as long as you need him, is going to be slowly ripped away from you, that you're going to see him deteriorate, and turn in to a shell of the man he used to be. When you're 14, you think you're going to have all the time in the world.
You think that amazing man is going to walk you down the aisle one day. He's going to be an awesome grandad. He's going to grow old and tell silly stories about the time he slipped and fell in the river.
You take him for granted.
At that age, nothing bad happening would ever cross your mind.
I wish it had, so I could have appreciated him more. I could have told him more times that I love him.
I miss him so much it physically hurts. I miss him more now than I did then because now I understand that gravitas of what he is missing out on.
Please, please, if you have your dads or even your grandads, and you love them, tell them.
Tell them as often as you can. Don't ever take your parents for granted. You really never know when they may not be there to hear it.
Happy fathers day Dad. Wherever you are, I still, and always will, love you with all of my heart xx
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