Confidence ...

I was thinking about my confidence levels today, the differences in the type of confidence that I have. Basically my personality vs. my appearance.
I find it a little bit odd that people think I'm confident. I'm not. I'm literally (with the exception of one) the shyest person that I know. I suck incredibly badly at small talk or any type of conversation with new people that I meet. So much so that I end up sitting in silence or checking my phone (for something to do) and they end up thinking I'm a snotty bitch. I'm not, I just literally don't know what to say to them.
This is why I am attracted to confident people, I am drawn towards people that are so very sure of themselves. That are happy in who they are, what they look like, what they do. These people fascinate me.
I thought I used to be one of these people, but my confidence didn't run all the way through me, I relied on my looks a lot. This isn't me bragging, its just fact. When I was younger, pre age 21ish, I had an amazing body. I was pretty and I was confident in that, so I used it. I hid behind it almost. The way some girls use their make-up as a mask, I used my figure. I would flaunt it I guess. And because of this, the need for actual small talk that wasn't shameless flirting was taken away.
I did manage to develop friendships but it was hard. It helped that these people were already friends of my brothers so I could use that to my advantage. Other friendships were made through work so were easier because of the shared interest (I worked at a horse riding school). But meeting people outside my circles was basically impossible.
Jump ahead a few years. My figure went away as I stopped working after having kids, I met my (now ex) bf and we settled. I put on about 3 stone, my confidence plummeted and I didn't even have the body to hide behind. We moved to Ireland and for 7 years, I made not one friend. I never went out with anyone that wasn't my bf or my mum except maybe once or twice.
It didn't help that the bf drained the confidence out of me either. Little things, offhand comments about my weight or appearance or intelligence. I am by no means stupid, but when people that claim to love you, say things often enough, you start to believe it.
Jump ahead another couple years, I am back home. I have amazing friends and the bf is (finally, 3 years after we actually split up) long gone. My confidence has changed considerably. Probably for the better as I am sure of myself as a person. I know that I am loyal, generous, friendly - I still struggle with small talk, but am less bothered of sounding like a twat so will speak instead of ignoring people! - I am a good listener and I like to observe people and their behaviour which gives me more of an idea of how to handle them. I also know that I can be a complete bitch, and I know that I will speak up for my children and my friends when needs be. I also know that I will have something to say TO friends if they do cross a line (as some of them will know).
It amazes me how much has switched up, and how much has happened over the last 15 years.
What I plan for next, is to work on the confidence in my appearance. I'm now 13 stone (as of yesterday). I don't think that I have ever weighed this much in my life, even when pregnant. If I'm completely honest, it disgusts me. I truly disgust myself. Yet that doesn't seem to affect the way I choose to eat.
I was thinking, as I was eating my breakfast, just how damn ridiculous I am being to myself.
I'm the only one (yes, I probably have said this before, but change takes a while for me!) that can make any difference to the foods that I put in my body, and it is solely those foods that will have an effect on my appearance and therefore, my confidence.
I know a lot of people tell me that I should accept myself the way I am, but why should I? If I look at myself in the mirror (which I try to avoid doing), I don't see anything attractive. I am overweight. I am unhealthy. If I carry on, I am going to cause myself problems as I get older. I don't want to accept that. I don't want to be ok with that. The second I even think that this is ok, will be the beginning of the end.
I was talking travel plans earlier, how I want to travel like a gap year student once my kids are grown. At this rate, Ill barely be able to leave my house, never mind travel!
Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly there but in all seriousness, I need to sort this, and sort it now.
I genuinely believe that it is now or never.
I choose now.

I miss ...

I miss so much.
I miss being touched. I miss having someone touch me so gently, it seems they're afraid I might break. I miss having someone whisper in my ear how beautiful they think I am, and how good they think we are together.
I miss being cuddled, like its the most important thing in the world to be in that persons arms, right at that very moment.
I miss being kissed, like its an alternative to breathing, like if they stop, so will life itself.
I miss laughing with someone. Finding the exact same things funny, or just hearing things that people say and giving each other that look that means you both heard something entirely different and you'll share it another time.
I miss the closeness that comes with the realisation that at that time, there is only one person in the world that you want to be with.
I miss the feeling of skin on skin. Touching their body with mine,, becoming like one.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss the texts and messages and phone calls, just to say hello. Or to tell you that they love you. I also miss feeling needed. When they have a bad day and you're the only thing in the world that will make them feel better.
I miss being held, its different to being cuddled, when I'm upset or down. Feeling safe. Feeling protected.
I miss arguments and fights. I miss feeling so passionate about something, with someone, but you're so secure that you know you can say what you need to say without the fear of it breaking what you have.
I miss making up afterwards. The angry but loving togetherness that ultimately leaves you both exhausted but so incredibly satisfied.
I miss the talking. The most random subjects that can have you agreeing so much that you finish each others sentences then in the same breath, having such opposing opinions on a subject that it makes you wonder how you even ended up talking about it.
I miss holding hands. That simple yet so incredibly intimate gesture of you having your fingers entwined in each others. Stroking the back of their hand with your thumb, which makes them know that you're still thinking about them even though they're not your full focus of attention.
I miss so much, but most of all I miss loving, and being loved in return.

That's what I miss the most.

Reflection

I have another blog where I talk about weight loss and becoming more healthy. Since I've started talking about losing weight, people have told me that I'm just fine the way I am. That guys like 'curvy' women, and that I'm not fat.
Truth is, I am fat, and I am unhealthy. I am overweight for my height and my frame, and I eat unhealthy food way more often than I should.
It doesn't matter to me what guys may like, good for them. But just as I don't find every single guy in the world attractive, then it stands to reason, that not every guy in the world likes 'curvy' girls.
I am currently a size 16. I am currently very unhappy with my size and shape.
I have a mirror in my hall that I look away from every time I walk past it to get to the bathroom. Occasionally I will get undressed to my underwear and look at myself from all angles. Not in many years have I ever done that and thought that I looked in the slightest bit attractive.
Adding to that thought, I genuinely cannot see how anyone else could look at me and think that I was beautiful from head to toe. I know that I have a pretty face, but that's not difficult. (Oddly enough I like my wrists and my ankles, because they never get fat.) I never feel beautiful though.
There was once, just over a year ago, with this one guy. He has been the only one that has made me feel truly beautiful. That was for like, two days. I've not really spoken about him here, (I've just skimmed through a load of old posts because I could have sworn I had mentioned him at some point but I cant find anything about him.) he was the guy that I lost a friend over.
He was seeing a mate of mine a while ago, they were at breakup point and we were developing feelings for each other. Something happened and they ended up staying together which of course meant that whatever was between us had to be forgotten.
I still wonder 'what if?', and I guess a part of me misses him because we got on so incredibly well. Talked to him about things that I've never spoken to anyone else about, but then all of a sudden he was gone because we couldn't be ... I don't know, whatever we were going to be. That actually hurt like hell. I was already completely messed up over all sorts of other things and that was just the icing on the cake.
I know if we had have gotten together, it would have been amazing, for a while. And then we would have hit the mutual self destruct button and it would have ended up a complete car crash. That's a perfect analogy, we would have had a total car crash relationship. We were far too alike, personality, sense of humour, so many things were the same. He was like a male version of me. Except he was gorgeous. But yeah, he was the only guy in many years that made me feel good about myself, about the way I looked. But then in essence, he left me too. Like everyone else does.
When I was younger, I was a size 8 - 10. I was fit and I was toned and I had a cracking body. You could easily see my abs and I had arms and shoulders like an American footballer and I loved it. I loved how strong I was. I loved that I was stronger than most of the guys I knew. I didn't work for any of this and my diet was awful. That was when I did eat, which wasn't often! My job at the stables was very physical, lots of heavy lifting and constantly on my feet being busy with various jobs so the body came naturally.
I want that back. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
This is not a post that's looking for people to tell me that I'm not that bad, or that people like me the way I am because like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm not looking for approval or acceptance, I know I have that already.

I just want to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.

You ...

I fucking hate you.

I think I always will.

I wish I didn't have to, but it's the way you made me.

And I'm ok with it now.

I hate you.

Thoughts

Ive wanted to blog for a few days now. I haven't know where to start, what to say. Ive had an idea of what it is that I want to write about but I didn't know how to get it going.
I guess one of the main things that Ive been thinking about lately, is being a single mum. With it being my birthday recently, I always sort of, take stock of where I'm at in my life. I'm not happy with where I am to be honest.
I've probably said this before, but when I was younger, the last position I saw myself in, at the age of 31, was a jobless, overweight, single mum. I envisaged me running my own breaking yard. A stables where people brought young, unridden horses in for me to back. To get used to having the saddles on their back and ultimately get used to being ridden well, handled gently and turn out into good, safe horses. That was my plan.
My plan was scuppered when I failed to pass my driving test, although I only got told of this after I had left the yard. I think I was 18 when I failed first time. I was actually quite shocked and dismayed when they examiner said "I'm sorry ... ", because I was convinced that I had passed with flying colours, and if you took out that one eager pulling out at the roundabout, right at the beginning, then my test was basically perfect. I say eager, because if it had been an experienced driver then no-one would have batted an eyelid, but because I was still in 'Learner' status, the examiner said I should have been more hesitant.
But my driving tests are another story. Me failing my test, denied me the chance to manage the side of the riding school that I wanted. The side that worked the private horses. The side that had the youngsters come in, that had the older, more experienced jumping horses that I would have had the chance to school and exercise. Because I couldn't be relied upon to get to the stables as easily, I had to get a lift over from the riding school. I got told after I had left, that that yard would've been mine. I would've been in charge of the whole thing. That that was what I was being trained for. And Ive just realised that it still hurts that I missed out on that opportunity as my eyes are currently filling up with tears as I write this.
Being a mum has never been natural for me. I don't have a maternal bone in my body, for humans anyways. Bring me a sick, injured, abandoned animal, of pretty much any type, and Ill look after it. Ill nurture it back to health and then not want to let it go. Bring me a baby and I'm like, 'What do you want me to do with that then?'
I remember when I found out that I was having my son, I was 30 weeks gone, I had planned on never having kids, ever. I didn't want them, I didn't like them, I didn't have the patience for them. But there he was, on the scan.
He was born 2 weeks later, so I was effectively pregnant for 2 weeks. He was 8 weeks early so was taken straight into the Special Care Baby Unit, where he was put in an incubator. Luckily his breathing was pretty strong so he didn't have to go on oxygen. He had a tube going up his nose down into his stomach for feeding because he wasn't capable of suckling from a  bottle being born that early. He was in there for around 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks, I just didn't know what to do. I went to see him every day, I fed him, i looked at him, but I wasn't allowed to touch him at first. He wasn't quite strong enough. When the nurses told me that he was ok to come out of his incubator, I didn't want to hold him. I didn't know how to.
We managed tho. The first 6 months or so were some of the hardest times of my life. There were times when I wasn't interested. I was 20, I didn't want to grow up. The only responsibilities I wanted were within my job. But I had no choice. That little boy was there, and he needed me. It took me a while, but we got there. Eventually.
Hes 10 now, starting his last year in primary school in September. Hes grown up so quickly and so well. His teachers say that hes a pleasure to teach, that hes polite and helpful. He tries his best etc. I really couldn't be prouder of that little dude.
I guess the point of this post is, that although I'm a million miles away from where I expected to be, and there is a hell of a lot more to add to that story that I wont here, I think I might be doing ok.
This wasn't what I planned, this wasn't what I wanted. But its where I am.
And I think I'm ok.

Number 51.

So this is my 51st post here. In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure what the content of most of my posts are. I tend to just write and in a way, let my fingers do the talking. Its like I get in a zone and I just keep going.
Saying that, this one is is going to, at least to start of with, be a little more light hearted.
So Ive noticed, quite often, that when I stick my music on my iPod and turn it on 'shuffle', it more often than not plays songs relevant to what I'm feeling at the time. Whether it be happy, or sad. Or somewhere in between. I'm going to list 10 songs here that played this morning when I was doing some chores, there was major eye-rolling going on coz they are all so relevant (in different ways) to how Ive been feeling lately. List is;

1. Adele - Set Fire to the Rain
2. Will Young - Love
3. Jamelia (Live Lounge) - Numb
4. Staind - Tangled Up in You
5. Pink - Stop Falling
6. Tinie Tempah (Live Lounge) - Frisky
7. Avril Lavigne - I Love You
8. Ministry of Sound - Lost Without You
9. The Bangles - In a Different Light
10. Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone

I'm assuming you can all guess whats been going thru my mind a lot lately by that list of tracks? 

Yup, love. Or rather, thinking about wanting to be in love. Ive felt so lonely lately. And I hate it, coz I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone else. I'm good alone, ya know? But I'm surrounded by couples. In real life, on TV, on twitter/FB. Id just like to have what they have for a while, or forever, I'm  not going to rule that out, coz that would be silly. 

I bought the Twilight DVDs recently, and I found myself sitting there crying. Which in itself is nothing unusual, but I realised I was crying because of the relationship that I was watching (and shut up, I fricking love Twilight!), crying because Ive never had a relationship like that. That's so open and so free. I'm always hiding something, even in friendships, I can never be 100% open and honest. 

I'm not saying I'm a liar, but I don't give my all. Coz if I did, and Ive probably said this before, then that gives someone else power and control, and I'm not sure I can give that up. I almost did once, and that power and control was very much abused. I'm not going to get into that now tho, as I'm pretty much out the other side of that.

But yeah, it seems my iPod shuffle is pretty tuned in to my thoughts and emotions. How bizarre.

...

Its been a long time since I have felt loved. And I have never felt loved for who I am, just for who people think that I am.

That's my fault, because I have never given myself to anyone fully. I'm far too afraid of being hurt. If I opened myself up to someone, like I see people doing all the time, then I would give them control. I would give them the power to hurt me, and if they did, then it would essentially be my fault.

I don't know if I'm capable of doing that.

Seriously.

I just want to be loved, and be told I'm loved, and know I am. But I don't know if I can let that happen.